Wednesday, January 13, 2010

impulse

yesterday a stomach bug granted me the loss of another pound and a comment from a girl i barely know: "you look like you've lost a lot of weight!"

as soon as she said that, a light went on in my head. BAM.

i want to hear it again.
and again.
again.
again.

for the first time in years, i felt like maybe, maybe, i was doing something right. getting closer to a goal.

maybe this comment, playing on repeat in my head like a skipping record throughout the entire day, is what motivated my impulse after lunch.

after having nothing but gatorade yesterday when i was sick, i found myself deserving of one meal. my grandma and i always go out for lunch when my school has early release once a month, and i gave myself permission to enjoy it, no purging, no worrying, just get some salad and pasta and bread and be happy. be normal for one meal, just this once.

we stopped by my house before going back to hers after we left the restaurant. she stayed outside in the car. i stopped just after passing the bathroom door. backtracked. went inside. without even thinking, i took of my ring, held back my hair, and pressed the magic button. i didn't get it all, but i got enough to feel hungry five minutes later. i wasn't feeling anything before or after. it was completely by impulse.

that is what indicates a problem.

zack talked to mrs. w, and basically she wants me to talk to her, so she can tell mr. k, the school social worker, who would probably tell my parents and probably reference me to a psych ward (from my interpretation of the role "social worker," anyways.).

so much for that. looks like i'm still on my own.

at least i have ana, and all of you. i'm starting to realize that the pro-ana world really is the only place i feel like i have friends, like i'm not alone.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

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