Sunday, January 3, 2010

i'm back!!

school starts back up tomorrow, meaning i'll be able to post after school at my grandma's again. woot woot! i've missed blogging so much, and all my readers. i wanna give a shout out to all my new followers too, i've noticed a lot of people have joined the club :)

so you guys have been wondering what the "incident" was. i typed up a long entry about it explaining all the details the day after it happened, but considering it was all a stupid joke it's kind of irrelevant now. basically my girlfriend used a website to send me texts, pretended to be this creepy guy that i know, and sexually harassed me. she was kidding the whole time of course, but she fell asleep before she could tell me it was really her. i was so freaked out thinking it was really him that i didn't tell her until thursday, and she laughed and told me it was her. i was pissed, needless to say. i guilt tripped her though, told her i was really fucked up over it all week and had cried a lot over it. she doesn't need to know that i had a violent mia episode and popped 3 prozac because of it...

in other news, i have more hatred for my mother right now than ever before. i was four minutes late coming home from molly's friday night and she absolutely exploded on me. screaming, cussing, searching my stuff, saying i can't go over to molly's house anymore... it was ridiculous. i snapped a rubber band so hard on my wrist it left welts. i barely ate all day at mollys, which wasn't hard because she was hung over and didn't have much of an appetite anyway, so i was starving when i got home. what started as some chips and dip to satisfy my tummy turned into a massive glob of dip, half a bag of chips, an orange soda, six sandwiches and a chocolate milk. when i was on the last sandwich i was forcing it down, half scared my stomach was going to rupture. it wasn't hard to get it all up. all i could taste was chocolate. but then i was crying. even when i'm in such an ana mode, mia always returns and takes over. i don't want mia anymore. i want to give myself completely to ana. its just so hard to give up, because it's so damn easy. hungry? don't want to gain weight? throw it up. sad? throw up. angry? throw up. any emotion you just don't want to feel? throw up.

but i digress. my mother has been absolutely psychotic lately. she's pretty much telling me that if she goes into early labor or anything goes wrong with the baby it's MY FAULT for stressing her out. on top of that she's constantly making her little comments to dig under my skin. last night she told me that she wants me to have premarital sex with a guy in college so i can "be sure" i'm into girls, but if i got knocked up because of said sex i shouldn't get an abortion because that's wrong. oh, and i'm going to get diabetes at age 30 because i'm fat. thanks, mom.

what my mother doesn't understand is that when she treats me like this, tries to control me, she only thinks she's winning the game, because it only pushes me to rebel. when she pushes food in my face, it only takes away my appetite. when she forces me to eat, it only encourages me to stick my hand in my mouth and push the magic button. when she tells me i can't do something, like go to my girlfriend's house, it only sparks some creative thinking to sneak over. she thinks she has me all figured out. she thinks she knows everything i do. ha. she even thinks she's going to have control of me when i go to college. i can't wait to see the look on her face when the tuition bill comes in and i tell her, "sorry, i don't need your money, and i don't need you. peace out."

i needed this fire. when i'm angry at something, i'm at my strongest. that fire gives me power. control. if i keep up at this rate, i just might be skinny by the valentine's dance. :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

3 comments:

  1. my mothers exactly the same, even if i'm like a minute late then she has a full blown shout at me and normally ends up hitting me or somthing.

    sometimes i get away with it by saying my phone clock it slow or i need a wee or some shit... i find the best one is that i say i was eating. that shuts her up straight away!


    i wish i had mia, i can't seem to do it. i tried once and failed miserably, ana's my best friend but its easy to binge and then only be able to exercise /:

    anyways enough of my ramblings,
    take care and stay strong.

    LOTTIEE <33

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  2. My mom blows up to. She freaks out over little things. I guess it's probibly a cause of eatin g disorders to. I know what you meen about using it as fuel. I seem to have a hard time doinmg that though, usualy my mom does make me want to use it as fuel but it just ends up making me feel like i've lost a compation against her. You know "she wins". Fuck that though. I win. I deserve to win. I think my mom has an ed to anyways. This could be the reason why she doesn't say any thing when i don't eat. Why she doesn't suspect me. But some how for me having an ed makes me suspect every one. 10 times as much as I would have used to. When I used to not even know ana existed.
    Also your right about mia. She was a mild phase for me. A light but long year of my life. Mild. And she comes back to me mildly. Only sometimes though. Thank you for this post. It was good inspiration.

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  3. Your mom is such a tipical mom...

    ANd your girlfriend is a bitch for doing this. I hope she apologized!!!!

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