Saturday, January 30, 2010

long time no post

well hey everyone! it feels like i haven't blogged in months. between a band trip in the middle of the week and just no access to the net in general, i just haven't had the chance. i missed it!

i have a lot to catch up on. wednesday we left for our trip. i brought a whole bag of snacks, everything measured and calculated and baggied to be 100 cals. all i ate was 45 cals worth of diet popcorn. when we stopped for lunch, we went to burger king. after a veggie burger, onion rings, a vault, and a trip to an empty bathroom, no one noticed my bright red knuckle or my bloodshot eyes. i ended up telling my friend about it, and, surprisingly, she didn't force me to eat the whole trip. i got by eating a max of 10 bites at every meal, and it definately paid of. why? because i am at my lowest weight ever. 148. i hit my goal, and i'm the skinniest i've been since i stopped getting taller. i must say it really is the best feeling in the world.

the dull hunger in my stomach and the confidence from the feeling of loose clothing are the only things keeping me sane. me and molly have been having some problems lately, she's been under a lot of stress for various reasons and we haven't been seeing eachother as much since she switched schools and while i was on the trip we ended up having a couple spats. she ended up telling me that she feels like we're drifting apart. i wasn't aware of this. i thought we were doing fine, that it was all going to be okay. i'm trying to just let it roll off, convince myself that she'll come around, this will blow over, and focus all my energy on losing weight. if i keep my mind busy with that, there's nothing else to worry about.

in other news, zacks been talking to mrs. w lately and trying to get me to talk to her. my deal with him is that i will only talk to her if there is a 100% guarantee my parents will not find anything out. i do want to leave mia, i had another impulsive binge-purge episode last night, but there's no way i'm leaving ana. until the episode last night, i had not eaten a regular meal, had not eaten more than 200 calories in a day, since last saturday. that is the longest i've gone successfully restricting. and look how well it's paid me off :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Friday, January 22, 2010

"Swept Away" by Flyleaf

Help help help

Out out out out out out out now now now now now

The evil fell from your pretty mouth wrapped in your classic voice
Angelic in your syntax, demonic in your motive your pretty eyes don't know
That the water flowing from this well isn't fresh
Demolish all that sets you up against your rising up
Confessing all that's broken and watch the healing come
Spread out your open hands
Admit you've held them shut
Turn all the way around
Be swept away by this.
Time for surrender
Spread out your open hands
And He will raise you up
Confessing all that's broken
And watch the healing come
Spread out your open hands
Admit you've held them shut
Be swept away by this
Your clothes are smooth and spotless
The air is putrid sewage downwind of your pressed church clothes
Your eyes are black and empty
Your deeds are just for showing how big and bright your fake smile glows
I see you moving and their getting scared
Their eyes are focusing on something else
Your staring at me and I stare at you
I rage against everything that you do.
See them surrender
Spread out your open hands
And he will raise you up
Confessing all that's broken
Look at the healing come
Spread out your open hands
Admit you've held them shut
Be swept away by this

I see you moving and their getting scared
Their eyes are focusing on something else
Your staring at me and I stare at you
I rage against everything that you do
Get this hell out out of my way
There's nothing more that you can say so
Get this hell out get this hell out out out of my way

We spread our open hands
And he is rising up
Repairing all that broken
Look at the healing come
We spread our open hands
Forgiveness holds them up
We're swept away by this.

Out out out out out out
Now now now now now now

* * *

I know this is a christian rock song, but right now its the only thing keeping me from falling off of the edge of my sanity. if you replace "he" with "she" and think of ana, the song applies perfectly to our world. i have not eaten since monday, lying my way out of meals and chewing and spitting into ziplock bags when i just can't take it anymore. every day i feel more alone and more fragile. last night i wanted to pop prozac again, just to take the edge off all the pain. the only time i feel good is when my stomach growls, when i see the scale down another few pounds, when i lay down and feel my bones, crying to be let out for air. as i run my fingers over them i sooth their cries, assure them that they will soon surface.

not even zack knows that i haven't eaten. under normal circumstances, i would have told him about this morning, how i made it three steps from my bed before the edges of my world began to turn black, closing in as fast as the ash explosion from a volcano. only a small field of vision was left before i closed my eyes and braced for impact, only to be brought back just before the walls closed in. i would have told him that i lost three pounds in one day. i would have told him that last night i ran laps around my basement until my knees shook. i would have saught attention.

but these are not normal circumstances. i do not want to be told to stop. i do not want to be pitied. i want to be envied. i want to be admired. i want to be worth something to people. i want people to want to talk to me. i want friends. i want friends. i need friends...

i have wants. i have needs. i am human.

why does it seem that no one sees this?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

i'm alive

if anyone cares.

probably not.

i've been so depressed. i completely broke down last night. completely.

3 pounds down in a day. at least i'm good for something.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

impulse

yesterday a stomach bug granted me the loss of another pound and a comment from a girl i barely know: "you look like you've lost a lot of weight!"

as soon as she said that, a light went on in my head. BAM.

i want to hear it again.
and again.
again.
again.

for the first time in years, i felt like maybe, maybe, i was doing something right. getting closer to a goal.

maybe this comment, playing on repeat in my head like a skipping record throughout the entire day, is what motivated my impulse after lunch.

after having nothing but gatorade yesterday when i was sick, i found myself deserving of one meal. my grandma and i always go out for lunch when my school has early release once a month, and i gave myself permission to enjoy it, no purging, no worrying, just get some salad and pasta and bread and be happy. be normal for one meal, just this once.

we stopped by my house before going back to hers after we left the restaurant. she stayed outside in the car. i stopped just after passing the bathroom door. backtracked. went inside. without even thinking, i took of my ring, held back my hair, and pressed the magic button. i didn't get it all, but i got enough to feel hungry five minutes later. i wasn't feeling anything before or after. it was completely by impulse.

that is what indicates a problem.

zack talked to mrs. w, and basically she wants me to talk to her, so she can tell mr. k, the school social worker, who would probably tell my parents and probably reference me to a psych ward (from my interpretation of the role "social worker," anyways.).

so much for that. looks like i'm still on my own.

at least i have ana, and all of you. i'm starting to realize that the pro-ana world really is the only place i feel like i have friends, like i'm not alone.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, January 11, 2010

thinspo tunes

a quick note, check out "the fantasy" and "eyesore" over in Ana's Playlist on my sidebar. they're really great thinspiration, a good pace to run to, and just overall amazing music. enjoy

success!

as i said, my goal this weekend was to do as best as i could. and aside from a miniscule plate of spaghetti noodles and parmesan saturday night, i did just that. aside from the noodles, i ate only when i absolutely had to. i pulled every excuse and lie out of the book of ana classics and i made it. i did not gain an ounce. in fact, i think i may have even lost some weight, because this morning i was feeling really full and nauseous (i think i drank too much fluid yesterday and it hurt my stomach or something.. i have no idea) and was bloated and feeling really full. so by tomorrow, when my system is all flushed out, i'm hoping to be down at least another pound.

tomorrow zack is going to talk to mrs. w. i don't know what my chances are of her taking on my case, not turning me in, just trying to help me. i do not intend to start eating normally, to stop fasting, to leave ana. i just want to lose this constant binge-purge cycle that has taken control of me. that was probably the hardest part of the weekend, not binging and purging. mrs. w is really nice, a psychology minor, and really good with students. she's friends with her students, if they let her be, and i do let her be. by the time i get underweight, i will no longer be in her class, and she'll have no proof that i'm not losing weight by "healthy" means. right now, i just want help leaving mia. i want to only purge when i'm forced to eat, like when my parents decide to go out to dinner, or on saturdays when we go to my parents' friends' house and eat takeout or pizza or fatty italian food. i want to control myself, not be controlled.

i've been depressed today, not sure why. i feel so alone at school now. i talk to people in class but there's no one i'd ask to hang out on the weekends, no one i wait and meet up with in the halls, no one i'd even text on a regular basis. the only people i could really call my friends are a guy who goes to college, my gf, an ana buddy who obviously i only ever talk to through text, and zack, who i only ever talk to through texting now that marching band is over. i've had slight thoughts about changing schools next year, but unfortunately the school i go to is the best public school around. so i guess i'm stuck.

have you ever felt completely alone, even though you're in the middle of a suffocating crowd?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Friday, January 8, 2010

back on track!

my mood swings were erratic yesterday. really depressed in the morning, okay by the afternoon, sunk back into a low at night. but despite the roller coaster, i remained in control. 45 cals total yesterday, from coffee and popcorn. i must say, i am rather proud of myself. i also worked out on the wii fit for an hour, burning nearly 300 calories. ana blessed me by taking away two pounds for all my hard work. if i lost two pounds yesterday, surely i can lose two more today, and be back to 151 by tomorrow morning. i'm very cheerful this morning :)

i am going to try something i've never tried before: a weekend fast. i've always found it harder to fast on weekends because of social engagements and always being home. but here's my plan: tomorrow, i'll just bring lunch into my room and throw it away. we always go to my parent's friends' house on saturday nights and eat dinner there, but i'm just going to fake eating before we go so i don't have to eat there. sunday i'll be with molly, but for lunch i can pull the "i ate before" trick, and at dinner i'll say my stomach hurts. simple as that. i think i can do it. but i'm not setting myself up for disappointment. i'm going to try my hardest, but a weekend fast is very difficult to do in my situation. so as long as i eat as little as possible, i can still be proud of myself. i just need to figure out a way to stop gaining weight every weekend.

wish me luck ladies, and join me if you want! remember, it's about the effort. if you get in a situation where you absolutely HAVE to eat, don't beat yourself up, just eat as little as you can get away with. it's about boosting confidence, and avoiding the weekend weight gain.

stay strong, think thin, live ana!
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Breaking Benjamin and Taylor Momsen

"I will not bow, I will not break

I will shut the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid
I have lost the will to change
And I am not proud, cold blooded, fake
I will shut the world away"


my new thinspiration theme song: "i will not bow" by breaking benjamin (it's now in "Ana's Playlist" on my sidebar). the music itself just puts you in an ass-kicking mood, and the lyrics are also thinspo when you think about it. it really relates to my view of my eating disorder. it's all about determination, refusal to give in, but at the same time you can't say you're proud of what you're doing. still, the main theme: determination. which is exactly what i need. running on 35 cals from a cup of popcorn, i feel invincible.

here's some pix of my new thinspo obsession, taylor momsen, who i discovered in this month's issue of seventeen:


<-- love this one!



my fave -->

me & mia

goal today: DO NOT EAT.
reason for goal today: DO NOT THROW UP.

my knuckle is scabbed. my teeth hurt. the inside of my lips feel corroded. my lips are chapped. i can't get the taste of bile out of my mouth no matter how much coffee i drink or how much gum i chew. any time i take a single bite i get horrible heartburn, as if my stomach knows that food almost never stays long nowadays. i want to waste away, not be eaten alive by stomach acid. this week all i've been trying to do is eat without throwing up. i keep telling myself, don't do it. you don't want this. don't throw up. DON'T THROW UP.

i am pro-anorexia. why would i desire to be absorbed in bulimia. it has gotten to the point where i do not feel in control because of purging, i feel as if mia is controlling me. i have been so depressed this week, caught between the desire to starve and the desperation to stop throwing up. i used to just throw up meals. now, i still do that, but i also have binge-purge episodes. the last one was so bad. friday night, i came home late from molly's and my mother exploded at me. screaming, cursing, searching through my stuff, just absolutely went crazy. i snapped a rubber band on my wrist so violently it left welts, still fairly visible today. after my mom went to bed a few hours later, i went in the kitchen and got some chips and dip leftover from new years. i ate. by the time i was done with the massive plate, i went back. everyone asleep at this point, i made a sandwich. then another. then four more. i grabbed a chocolate milk and brought the feast to my bedroom. by the time i was on the last sandwich, i was crying, forcing it down even though i was half scared my stomach would rupture. i threw up into a gallon sized ziplock bag, tasting only chocolate milk. by the time i was done, i had filled half the bag. half a gallon of puke.

i texted zack last night, not knowing where else to turn. he is going to ask my psychology teacher, we'll call her mrs. w, if she'd be willing to talk to me without turning me in to the counselor or my parents. she talked to a friend of my gf when she was really addicted to weed without turning her in, and i'm hoping she'll be willing to do the same for me. i won't tell her about ana, or the blog, or anything. i still want to be ana. i just don't want to be controlled by mia. if she gets suspicious from weight loss, i'll assure her i'm doing it the healthy way. i'm a master at deception.

even though i haven't thrown up since sunday, i still have the binge impulse. when faced with food, i cannot resist. the ana in me keeps it to a minimum, but all the snacking has put be back up to 155. i need to fast today, just to prove to myself i still can. it's a snow day, so i'm at home all day. right now i'm sipping some black coffee, and i brought some sandwich baggies to chew and spit lunch and dinner into, if need be. hopefully, i'll just trash the food untouched.

this week has just been so hard. molly doesn't go to school with me anymore, she moved into the neighboring district. this week back at school i have felt so lonely. without her to see and talk to, it's made me realize how few friends i really have at school. at lunch i sit with people i barely know, just to have the security of a familiar face. needless to say, my social anxiety has been at an all time high this week. i hate loneliness. but at the same time, it's thinspiring. because maybe when i'm thin, when i'm beautiful, everyone will want to be my friend.

i've been listening to the song "breaking the habit" by linkin park. it really relates to how i feel about mia. just on a loop, over and over, as if i'm half thinking that if the message sinks into my head enough, it'll be some magic cure to send mia away for good.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, January 4, 2010

Ana as Religion

This is going to cause a lot of controversy…

i don't know how many of you readers are religious. i have to say, i'm atheist. we'll get into that perhaps at another time, but just making the point, i'm not a believer in deities.

but have any of you noticed, sometimes we treat our eating disordered lifestyles like religions, and that omnipresent Ana (or Mia, for some of you) like a god?

religion is defined as "a set of strongly-held beliefs, values, and attitudes that somebody lives by." and isn't that exactly what ana is? in the pro-ana community we have our shared beliefs, values and attitudes that we all live by, devoutly.

if you think about it, we have religious texts (a lot of people call the book "Stick Figure" the "Ana-Bible"). we have "hymns" (see my sidebar, "Ana's Playlist"). we may not go to a church every sunday, but don't we sure as hell pray sometimes, "ana, give me strength..."? i know i have. lately, the term ana for me has become more and more personified. i know she isn't a real person, and i am not that schizophrenic (once again, a topic for later discussion), but i almost feel that when i am fasting, there is ana watching, and i must prove to her that i am strong, that i can make it, that i am deserving to be thin. when i found out the a few months ago that i'd lost 6.5 lbs during my intense 5-day fast, i honestly whispered, "thank you, ana" without even thinking about it. an automatic reaction. as if my weight loss were a blessing from the ana deity.

i know there is a commandment in the bible saying you must not worship other gods. i'm not asking you all to sin, i'm simply telling you my opinion, and what has worked for me. normally, i make it three or four days on a fast and quit. because i was fasting only for myself, and half the time i'm too lacking in the self-confidence department to feel that i deserve to be thin. a day or two into my fast, i made the connection, and i made it five. whole. days. i had never fasted that long before. i'd tried, and i'd failed. this time, i'd succeeded.

some people define ana as a disease, and some as a lifestyle. a disease means that it controls you. a lifestyle means that it is just the casual norm for you, a choice. but think about it: if you see ana as a religion, how much more determined would you be to be devout to your fasting, to your diet plans, exercising, restrictions? how much stronger would you be if you saw Ana as a sort-of person, as more real, and by staying true to her path you are being faithful to her?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, January 3, 2010

i'm back!!

school starts back up tomorrow, meaning i'll be able to post after school at my grandma's again. woot woot! i've missed blogging so much, and all my readers. i wanna give a shout out to all my new followers too, i've noticed a lot of people have joined the club :)

so you guys have been wondering what the "incident" was. i typed up a long entry about it explaining all the details the day after it happened, but considering it was all a stupid joke it's kind of irrelevant now. basically my girlfriend used a website to send me texts, pretended to be this creepy guy that i know, and sexually harassed me. she was kidding the whole time of course, but she fell asleep before she could tell me it was really her. i was so freaked out thinking it was really him that i didn't tell her until thursday, and she laughed and told me it was her. i was pissed, needless to say. i guilt tripped her though, told her i was really fucked up over it all week and had cried a lot over it. she doesn't need to know that i had a violent mia episode and popped 3 prozac because of it...

in other news, i have more hatred for my mother right now than ever before. i was four minutes late coming home from molly's friday night and she absolutely exploded on me. screaming, cussing, searching my stuff, saying i can't go over to molly's house anymore... it was ridiculous. i snapped a rubber band so hard on my wrist it left welts. i barely ate all day at mollys, which wasn't hard because she was hung over and didn't have much of an appetite anyway, so i was starving when i got home. what started as some chips and dip to satisfy my tummy turned into a massive glob of dip, half a bag of chips, an orange soda, six sandwiches and a chocolate milk. when i was on the last sandwich i was forcing it down, half scared my stomach was going to rupture. it wasn't hard to get it all up. all i could taste was chocolate. but then i was crying. even when i'm in such an ana mode, mia always returns and takes over. i don't want mia anymore. i want to give myself completely to ana. its just so hard to give up, because it's so damn easy. hungry? don't want to gain weight? throw it up. sad? throw up. angry? throw up. any emotion you just don't want to feel? throw up.

but i digress. my mother has been absolutely psychotic lately. she's pretty much telling me that if she goes into early labor or anything goes wrong with the baby it's MY FAULT for stressing her out. on top of that she's constantly making her little comments to dig under my skin. last night she told me that she wants me to have premarital sex with a guy in college so i can "be sure" i'm into girls, but if i got knocked up because of said sex i shouldn't get an abortion because that's wrong. oh, and i'm going to get diabetes at age 30 because i'm fat. thanks, mom.

what my mother doesn't understand is that when she treats me like this, tries to control me, she only thinks she's winning the game, because it only pushes me to rebel. when she pushes food in my face, it only takes away my appetite. when she forces me to eat, it only encourages me to stick my hand in my mouth and push the magic button. when she tells me i can't do something, like go to my girlfriend's house, it only sparks some creative thinking to sneak over. she thinks she has me all figured out. she thinks she knows everything i do. ha. she even thinks she's going to have control of me when i go to college. i can't wait to see the look on her face when the tuition bill comes in and i tell her, "sorry, i don't need your money, and i don't need you. peace out."

i needed this fire. when i'm angry at something, i'm at my strongest. that fire gives me power. control. if i keep up at this rate, i just might be skinny by the valentine's dance. :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox