Sunday, December 26, 2010

california girl, cassie, and ♥

well, my flight leaves for california in approximately 12 hours. as excited as i am for the trip, i'm dreading the food. i'm rooming with lizzy, who knows i "used to" have an eating disorder, so she'll be keeping an eye on me. zack will be there, but hopefully his new girlfriend will distract him enough not to notice me picking at my plate?


or maybe i can learn a trick or two from cassie. you've gotta watch this video. it's a clip from season 1 of skins. cassie's character is anorexic, and in this clip she explains to sid, her new crush, how she gets away with not eating. it's brilliant. i'm going to try her tricks while i'm in cali.

***

drew came over today. as it turns out, taking things slow is more difficult than i anticipated. to be blunt, i'm too much of a horndog. we were making out in my room for 3 1/2 hours of the 4 hours he was here, if not more.

i trust him so much. i really do. i have instincts with people, and i just know that he's good. i really don't think he's going to hurt me. and alex and her boyfriend confirm this. to quote her boyfriend: "there's absolutely nothing wrong with him."

isn't he adorable? :) i lovvvvvvvveeeee this picture of us!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox


Saturday, December 25, 2010

tis the season

the only words i said to my mother the whole time i was there were, "i'm not hungry." i sat there drinking coffee and watched my sisters open their presents. at one point, she randomly came up behind me and put her arm around me, and said "you made my christmas by coming this morning" with a cough-syrup sweetness in her voice. i got out my phone and started texting, shrugged her arm away. "i didn't come here for you," i thought. "i'm here for lauren." i drank seven cups of coffee and was speeding balls the rest of the time i was there. typical me. any kind of high is the solution to any problem. when i left with my dad and sisters to go home, she was crying. no one acknowledged her tears.

once i finally got home, i thought there would be a sense of normalcy, or at least a sense of relief once my mother was no longer an issue. but then i got a phonecall from an unknown number. "hey," she said. "it's me."

molly.

she wanted to stop by to drop "my shit" off. i told her fine. she showed up during dinner, texting me to let me know, and gave me attitude because i wouldn't leave christmas dinner to go outside. i don't know what she planned on doing once we were face to face, but frankly, i didn't care. and thirty minutes later when christmas dinner was somewhere in the sewage system and i was fixing my eyeliner, i felt an empowering sense of "fuck you."

fuck you, food.
fuck you, holiday gain.
fuck you, molly.
fuck you, "mother."
fuck you.

turns out "my shit" included not just my shirts that had ended up in her possession, but everything i've ever given her. every picture i drew, crumpled in a heap and shoved in a shoebox, a taped up mess. all the notes i wrote her. pictures we had taken together. the necklace i bought her. a ring i gave her, smashed flat. did she think i'd want all this back? what was the point of that? just to hurt me.

how do i know for sure? she kept my favorite shirt, and the first jacket i ever gave her, and the notebooks we used to pass back and forth. she hasn't let go. maybe somewhere deep down, she still cares. but on the surface, she's only trying to cause me pain.

surprise! i don't care enough anymore for you to hurt me. merry fucking christmas.

it really just didn't feel like christmas today. it felt like just another day, honestly.

hopefully seeing drew tomorrow. until then, framing hanley and slipknot will be blasting through my ears. today put me officially off the "happy music" kick.

not as horrible as i expected, but not how anyone would want their christmas to be either.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Friday, December 24, 2010

"you're amazing"

after a lot of thinking, and an ultimatum from my dad, i've decided to go over there tomorrow morning... i'm really not looking forward to it, but i'm going to take my grandma's advice and just repeat to myself over and over: "this is for lauren, and you're getting free stuff."

i managed to avoid eating at andrew's rather easily last night. he didn't pressure me at all. basically the party was 4 couples piled on the couch in his basement talking and making out, with a couple breaks for food and smokes. it felt so right in his arms, a perfect fit. we didn't make out, but we were kissing all night. and honestly, after molly and dan, i'm totally content with that. i'm not sure i want to get very physical for a while. i actually told him this today (without mentioning names or details), and he said he was glad i felt that way, because he wanted to take it slow. it blows my mind. he gets more amazing with every day that goes by. i expected dating a guy to be way different than it is with him. but he has such a sweet side. for one of his xmas presents, i burnt him a cd. the last track was me playing and singing our song, "all i want" by staind. later that night when he listened to it, he said it brought him to tears. he's the best guy in the world. and i love how innocent we are.

my favorite thing he's done so far: last night, a big group of us (3 couples) went for a walk to smoke cigarettes. on the way back, he randomly stopped, pulled me in close and said, "did you know you're amazing?" and kissed me. it knocked me off my feet. all i could think to myself was, "how did i stumble upon someone as incredible as you?"

i just hope he doesn't change his mind as he gets to know me. once he sees my past, the scars i bear inside and out, what will he think? i want to believe it won't change how much he cares. he seems like the kind of guy who wouldn't cut and run, but i know he'll see me differently. but maybe he's the kind of guy who could be my hero.

anyways, i've made it through the liquid fast so far. i'll probably make a mug of hot tea to get me through the rest of tonight (i'm going to be up until i finish my latest musical project, a cover of "airplanes" by b.o.b. and haley williams). i'm going to try my best to just eat dinner tomorrow (like i'm going to have an appetite in the morning at "christmas breakfast."), then penance fasting sunday before i leave for my trip. sounds like a plan? i think so.

i hope you all have good christmases (unless you're jewish, in which case i'm sorry i forgot to wish you happy hanukah/chanuka/howeveryouliketospellit). here's some holiday thinspo to wrap up this attention defecit post:

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, December 23, 2010

pause.

let's just hit pause. right here. right at this very moment. so i can think. fast-forward to tonight, when i get to see drew. skip the pizza scene. pause. stay with him for a while. fast-forward to christmas eve.

stop.

eject disc.

i don't want christmas morning to come.

am i the only person on the planet who's dreading christmas? i absolutely just don't want christmas morning to exist this year. it's supposed to be great this time around, right? it's my last christmas at home, i have a boyfriend, we're supposed to get snow...

rewind. here's the story: while cuntmuffin was gone for a job interview, i went over to my old house to grab my swimsuit for california and some other things. my dad was over there with lauren (the 9 year old, in case you forgot) and daisy (have i mentioned she's walking??? it's adorable!!). lauren gave me a huge hug when i walked in the door. when i went to hold daisy, she cried and squirmed away from me. my own sister doesn't recognize me anymore. it's been eating at me ever since... i feel like i'm the worst sister in the world... before i left, lauren told me, "you're invited to christmas breakfast. please come!" and i told her i'd think about it.

every year, we've done the same thing on christmas. as long as i can remember. me and lauren would wake up early. we were allowed to open only our stockings until everyone got there. my grandparents would come over and bring donuts to eat while we waited to open presents. then we'd dig into the gifts. around 10 or 11 cuntmuffin's aunt and uncle (and her dad, before he died) would come over for a big breakfast. we even had the same foods every year: bacon-potato-egg casserole, sausage, biscuits, gravy, and toast. then after everyone left we'd mess around with our new presents until we went to my grandparents' for dinner, opened presents again and played cards and this present-trading game.

play. this year, everything's going to be different. EVERYTHING. it's not like i want to go back to the same tradition, but that unknown kinda scares me. i've never even been the biggest fan of christmas. i remember in 8th grade i cut myself right after opening presents, no idea why. my parents always fight on christmas, like any other day. but i don't know what's to come this year. at least all the years before i knew what to expect. but i don't this year. i don't even know what to do about christmas morning.

i feel like a horrible sister. and i know that if i don't go, it's just going to support that statement. but if i do go, i'll have to deal with HER. she got me a birthday present (a hideous shirt and a gift card), so i know she got me christmas presents. what the hell are you supposed to do when someone who's dead to you buys you a truckload of presents (she always buys a truckload... she makes up for her rough childhood of foodstamps and hand-me-downs by spoiling her own kids)? i suspect she'll try to hug me again, like last time we saw eachother. i know i'll recoil. she's definately going to try to talk to me, considering she's written me a note and sent text messages, and even sent over a box of 9-month-old chocolates with a note written on the box. but i have nothing to say to her. every time she "reaches out" to me, i just want to send a fat "FUCK YOU" back. i know i'm going to be holding in rage from the second i walk through the door. and what if i blow? what if i blow up at her right in front of lauren? i can't, but shit, a person can only hold it in for so long...

i'm sick of playing nice. i'm sick of pretending. the best thing about moving here has been that i haven't had to. but now everyone's pushing me to go over there for lauren's sake. i know that's probably the right thing to do as a sister... but what about my dignity? and why feed my "mother's" delusions that everything is going to go back to normal if she pulls the Nice Mom act for long enough?

godfuckingdammitidon'tknowwhatthefucktodo.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

P.S.: liquid fasting til xmas with my closest ana buddy, and after i get back from california me and alex are going to do one together to kick off the new year. anyone wanna join? we gotta beat this holiday-gain bullshit.

Monday, December 20, 2010



this is iridessa. me at katerina's pipe. isn't she purdy? she changes colors while you smoke.

today's been a good day.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, December 19, 2010

"you're starving yourself."

so today, my school's marching band performed at the football game downtown. while we were in the stands, a big group of my friends left to get food, and i went with them. when i didn't get anything, i said i wasn't hungry, and didn't have any money anyways. out of nowhere, one of my friends (who knows a bit about my disorder) said "you're not dieting, nikki, you're starving yourself and it's bad for you!"

i didn't say a word. i just turned and stormed off, found a different group of friends. i was so pissed off, and embarassed. it'd be one thing if he'd pulled me aside, or waited until he could get me alone, or texted me, but he said it in front of EVERYONE. no one said anything about it the rest of the day, so i guess i got off the hook. but still.

when i confronted him about it, he said he was joking. but that's bullshit. it doesn't even make sense.

still, i got by with eating nothing today. and tomorrow me, katerina and alex are all hanging out. i'm pretty excited. it's the first time the three of us have all hung out together. a little ana trio. (make sure to check out kat's blog!)

i've gotten some questions and comments about my artwork and music. Fortune's Fool particularly wanted to know about my art. basically, i've always been a decent artist, i could draw a decent picture and took a couple art classes in middle school. this year was the first year i had room for art in my schedule in high school, and basically just being in the classroom setting and being TAUGHT techniques and having my artistic limits pushed has really helped me develop quickly as an artist. i've noticed a lot of improvement in my work since august. when i have time, i'll post some more pictures of my work.

as for music, i know a lot of you want to hear it. my only concern is that if i advertise my youtube videos on this blog, i'll end up with comments on my videos that mention ana or people using their ana youtube accounts to subscribe to my channel. i want to share my music with all of you, but i don't want to get discovered over it. i'm really debating this issue.

well, until next time lovelies.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Friday, December 17, 2010

♥ something real ♥

when i got to school half an hour early, he was waiting for me outside. we went for a walk, smoked cigarettes, and just talked. when we turned to walk back to school, he looked at me and simply said, "so, you wanna go out with me?" i smiled and said, "yeah." he smiled too and said, "cool." then i slipped on ice and almost fell flat on my ass. that's so typical of my life lol. but it was perfect the way it was :)
alex was waiting for us when we walked inside and immediately started smiling and squealing and gesturing and nodding until she figured out that we were officially official. she was so excited she got out her phone and took a picture lol. he gave me a hug before he had to walk to class in the opposite direction. it felt like his arms were meant to wrap around me. a perfect fit :)

he texted me in the afternoon saying we needed a song. after throwing a few ideas back and forth, i told him to look up "all i want" by staind. he said he teared up when he listened to it. i couldn't believe it! (wanna hear it? click here). if he teared up the first time he heard it, i can't imagine how he's gonna react when i play it for him.

we had our first date tonight, too, went and saw harry potter. we ran into a bunch of his friends and he seemed so excited to call me his girlfriend. we went outside to share a cig before the movie, just walking around the parking lot. after we tossed the cig, he stopped walking. he said he was cold, and opened his arms for a hug. we just stood there, holding eachother. then he pulled back a little and looked into my eyes and smiled.

and kissed me.

i had so many butterflies i'm surprised one didn't fly out of my mouth.

we were holding hands and cuddling and kissing the whole movie. it was just perfect. it was a perfect night.

all of this is happening so fast. but it just feels so right. i don't believe in love at first sight, cuz that's so serious, but something just hit between us right away. like out of nowhere, a tidal wave came crashing down and pulled us under, and just keeps pulling us deeper and deeper under the cool water. he makes me SO happy. there's no doubts. he's just perfect. he's amazing. he told me i'm his MISSING HALF!!!

i feel like i've found something REAL.

btw, last night i told molly to fuck off and then proceeded to bitch out her gf. be proud!

and btw, only ate a scoop of steamed green beans all day. got my gma to stock up on salad, soup and veggies. i'll be eating the lowest calorie meals possible. that band trip is coming up wayyy to fast and i need to lose wayyy more before i go! i think i'm doing alright tho so far. i can feel the knobs at the top of my spine. and i discovered a bruise on my back, from my backbone pressing against chairs at school. i just have to get through christmas and this band trip without fucking it up... i'm too distracted by drew though to even think about food :)

so fucking happy right now!
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, December 16, 2010

a boyfriend for my birthday


drew and i were up texting all night.

me: so what are you up to?
him: laying in bed, listening to music, thinkin, smiling :)))))) hbu?
me: laying in bed, listening to music, smiling, wondering what it is exactly that you're thinking about?
him: i'm thinking about whether i should ask out this girl i really like :))
me: what do you think she'll say?
him: i dunno, but she's worth asking even if idk what she'll say :) she's amazing :)))
me: well you never know until you try :)
him: i think i'm going to :) i wanna do it in person tho cuz i always do it in person with girls i really like :)))

at midnight, he was the first person to tell me happy birthday.

if we didn't have a snowday today, i would've gotten a boyfriend for my bday.

he says the sweetest things and i've just been smiling nonstop.

he told me that i could be the best thing that's ever happened to him, that i make him happier than he's been in a long time, that the wish he's been making at 11:11 seems to finally be coming true.

i think my wishes are coming true too :)


this could quite possibly be the best birthday ever. got to see my art on display at a coffee shop down the street from school, which was really cool (yes, those pix above are me and my actual art pieces. the one on the left is mannequins drawn in pencil and the other one is me next to my charcoal piece). went shopping at kohl's and found out that even though i don't know how much i've lost since my scale died, i'm down TWO jeans sizes. i used the giftcard my dad's new friend-girl gave me for my bday and bought myself a pair of size 5 jeggings. and that in itself was amazing.

i feel incredible. might post more if anything else interesting happens today. i just felt like gushing about drew and finally sharing something significant that was ana related. haha.

i'm 17!!!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

i can't stop smiling... :)

i have spent my day listening to emo acoustic love songs and looking up pictures like the ones in this post just because they're happy.


i have spent my day texting drew and smiling at every text i get from him.

i'm really starting to like him.

today he said, "you make me smile sooooo much!"

i told him he did the same.

because that's the truth.

that's exactly what he does to me.

makes me smile...


why?

because he's genuine.

because he's a good guy.

i was talking to alex's bf.

and i told him, "there's just something different about him...

...i can't put my finger on it."

he said, "because he's actually one of the nicest guys ever.

and there's absolutely nothing wrong with him.

that's why he's different.

this situation reminds me of me and alex.

it's like we were made to be together...

that's what you guys remind me of.


love.

i'm forreals. you guys are my closest friends and i can see it right now.

he's all talkin to me about how he can't stop smiling."

this doesn't happen to me.

this never happens to me.

i'm in a fucking movie.

i feel like i'm in a dream.

and i hope i never wake up ♥

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

and then there were 3...

"Oh, happily ever after, wouldn't you know, wouldn't you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, who'd like to know, I'd like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?"

this song has been the story of my life the past few weeks. every word. and it's really good. this band, he is we, is amazing.


dan was acting weird all day, like he just seemed to feel awkward around me. i guess it's understandable, but still... and i ran into blake this morning. he didn't have much to say, maybe because he felt shy, but who knows. he gave me a hug before i had to leave for first hour.

because of finals we had lunch at different times today, and i met up with alex beforehand to walk to lunch together. we ended up meeting up with one of her friends, who was with non other than dan. he didn't say much, even though the four of us walked down to the caf together. he ended up disappearing before me, alex and her friend found a table and sat down.

that's where i met guy #3. drew.

alex and her friend left to go get in line for food, so it was just me and him. he's a cute ginger. he started off by saying he'd seen my guitar videos and thought i was good. he plays too, so we started talking about that. then some of his friends came over and he started talking to them, and i was left waiting for alex. we didn't talk much after that.

but after school he texted alex saying, "is nikki single? she's beautiful!!"

needless to say, i was shocked. he asked alex for my number and i gave her the okay. we've been texting ever since. we like all the same bands and he seems really cool and sweet.

maybe i should just ditch the dan and blake ideas all together and go for drew?

alex is going to try to talk to dan, ask him what's up with us and warn him that "there's two other guys, so if you want her you better grab her while you have the chance." who knows how that'll go, though.

i can't believe drew said i was beautiful. i wasn't even that dressed up today, just a nirvana shirt and my poser glasses. looking fat as usual... but he said i was beautiful? i don't get it. i really don't. for a minute, i thought alex was lying. but she wasn't.

i just can't get it through my head that someone could see me that way. even dan has never used the word "beautiful." instead he said "7."

where to go from here?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, December 12, 2010

shut me up

dan asked if he could come over early before my birthday party, and i said sure. when he said he was close, i ran downstairs to spray on my perfume that he loves so much. then before i knew it he was in my house. in my room. sitting on my bed. he gave me my birthday present and i opened it, and then we were just sitting there. all of a sudden he pulled out a small bag of hershey's kisses and asked, "can i kiss you?"

so we kissed.

as the night went on we were all having a good time. at one point i took dan's phone and shoes and hid them throughout the basement. me, dan and another guy played the twizzler game (of course!), and at one point the other guy was talking to someone else and dan and i just had our own little two player round...

we left my room to "go find his phone." after i handed it to him, i got a text from a friend. "guess who i'm with? a guy who likes you!" she was talking about the new guy. dan leaned over and we were forehead to forehead. he read it and asked who it was. i lied and said, "i don't know... is there a reason you're so close to my face?" he said, "yeah." i asked "what?" and he kissed me again. we started making out until we heard my grandpa coming down the stairs. we went back in my room.

later we left again to "find his shoes." he was holding them in his hands when we started making out again. i bit his lip and he went nuts. took the shoes from his hands and threw them on the ground while we were kissing and he pulled me tighter. it was intense. it was amazing. incredible. he had his hand on my ass... then his mom showed up. we were walking back to my room, but i grabbed his arm and spun him around for one last kiss.

after he left, he texted me saying, "so you like bein shut up ;)"

oh dan... you can shut me up anytime ;)

i'm still torn between him and the new guy... different friends tell me different things about dan. some say he's a player, some say he's just a flirt, some say he seems like a great guy and we would make a good couple. i haven't heard anything bad about the new guy... but alex and her bf are the only ones who know him that well; they say he's a great guy.

decisions, decisions... i don't know what to do.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Friday, December 10, 2010

"open your eyes to something new, open your heart, it's something only you can do"

i walked onto the stage and sat on the stool. adjusted the mics and my name was screamed by the faces i couldn't see in the blackness of the crowd. all i could see was the stage in front of me, myself, and the bright spotlight at the back of the auditorium.

i started to play and the crowd was silent. then i was singing. then i was gone, lost, up in this amazing high. once i wasn't so nervous, i looked out at the crowd and smiled as i played. during the last chorus, they all started clapping and swaying in time with my song, some even waving cell phones in the air.

i strummed the last chord and everyone was screaming.

nothing can describe the amazing, incredible HIGH i felt while i was onstage. as soon as i walked behind the curtain, all i could think to myself was, "i want to do this for the rest of my life." i was beaming. everyone was congratulating me, telling me how good i was, even complete strangers.

out of 22 acts, including 5 guitar players and 2 bands, i won third place.

for the first time in my life, i feel like i can genuinely say i am proud of myself. i feel like a fucking rockstar. some girl i barely know facebooked me asking for a cd!

i wanna do this all the time. i feel like maybe, just maybe, i could go somewhere. my song even said, "and i know, i might not reach the stars, but i get closer every night i pick up my guitar." i don't even care about being famous, really, i just want to show my music to the world. i've started doing youtube videos this week, and i'm going to keep that up. enter contests. maybe get on itunes someday. i just wanna make this a bigger part of my life. and show the world.

the new guy's a for sure. dan was talking to me again about wanting to kiss me. i avoided the sandwich my friend was literally shoving in my face. and then this happened.

so this is what a good day feels like :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, December 9, 2010

lesson of the day: be careful what you wish for


last night, dan admitted to a mutual friend that he does, in fact, like me. i'm not one of the three girls he was talking about, but when the friend was asking about the twizzler game, he said, "yeah i kinda like her lol." so i was right that he lied to austin, but it's not like i'm on the top of his priority list.

then today i got a facebook message from the new guy that i mentioned before, saying, simply "errr uh nikki i like you a lot lol."

now there's two of them.

now i have to make a choice...

i know i'm probably going to change my mind a billion and one times before everything gets settled, but right now i'm hoping to just get to know the new guy better so buy time to get dan out of my system. i don't want to be with the new guy and still have dan on the back of my mind, wondering, "what if?" i still really want to kiss him. like a real kiss, not just in a game. i'll never stop wondering about it until it happens.

i also wonder what's the difference in my ability to trust each. i mean i've mentioned things to dan once in a while, but nothing about my ED, more about my past. he has no idea what things are like now. and i've never really had a deep conversation with the new guy. and that kind of thing makes a difference with me, how much i can trust a person. by instinct the new guy seems trustable, but i'm not sure. i'm not entirely sure of anything.

another question, dan's already invited to my birthday party this weekend. we're going to play the twizzler game again. do i invite the new guy too? if dan weren't going i would, but do i really want both of them there?

wow. my life.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

the twizzler game

i'm sorry, ana, but it was SO worth the calories.

if you've never heard of the twizzler game, this is basically how it works. you get a bunch of guys and girls in a circle, and someone volunteers to go first. the first person takes a twizzler and holds one end in their mouth. the next person has to grab the other end with their mouth, and then the first person bites off their end. you keep passing it around and it gets shorter and shorter..... and you know how the story goes. if you chicken out, you get kicked out of the circle.

well, today was the party for everyone involved in the movie i made (including dan). guess who i was standing next to in the game?

yeah. him. :)

we got short pieces quite a few times. then again, we went through almost 3lbs of twizzlers. five of us were total pros, so no one was chickening out. we decided to make it more interesting by making a rule that you have to act serious, as if you were really going in for a kiss. me and dan got a really short piece that round. and i pretty much planted one on him.

later, we were texting.
him: that was so fun lol
me: you enjoyed it
him: lol yeah, i was hopin we would have gotten a shorter piece...
me: well we can always have a 2 player game lol
him: sounds good ;)

and a mutual friend was talking to him, and he told her he liked 3 girls, one of which he wouldn't tell her the name. i'm guessing, since he knows we're friends, and considering how he acted today, it's me. he was probably lying when he told our other friend that "it's nothing."

he's coming to my birthday party this weekend, and we'll be playing the game again. i'm gonna try to get him alone next week too, to "study for finals."

we'll see where it goes. hopefully my fat ass will be at a new lw by then. i really wanna impress him. and with winter break coming up, i have to lose as much as possible to give myself leeway room since i'll be at home for mealtimes way more often... and the band trip is looming closer and closer... fuck. i'm going to go run off some of these damn twizzlers...

so worth it tho. i got butterflies every time me and dan passed the twizzler... lol :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, December 6, 2010

a thank you, an apology, an explanation

first of all, THANK YOU. thank you to everyone who commented on this blog, or my facebook, or e-mail, i even got a 12-page text message. i don't know what i would do without this community, without all of you. thank you, so much.

second of all, i'm sorry if i worried or scared any of you.

third of all, i think i owe you an explanation.

over the past few days, i've been hitting really hard depressions. these mood swings just hit me out of nowhere. like a brick in the face, BAM, i'm so sad, so low, so black, i can't see any light. it's strange because there's no trigger, no running thoughts for fuel, it just comes and goes as it pleases, like some sick shadow casting itself over my mind. this is what led to my panic attack the other night. i don't know if this has been happening due to not eating very much (i've been eating/keeping 300 cals a day max), due to purging, lack of sleep... i'm going to start journaling everything i eat, how much sleep i get, whether i purge, caffeine intake, ANYTHING that could possibly trigger this. first a two-day fast to clear my head, then we'll see how i feel, if i need to maybe add some fruits/veggies/slimfast to keep the lows away.

anyways, yesterday had a couple specific triggers that just added to the problem, as miniscule and stupid as they were. they just added to that feeling of loneliness that i just can't handle. first i got on facebook in the morning to find out one of my supposed best friends had a birthday party saturday night that i wasn't invited to.

WACK.

then i found out a mutual friend talked to dan, asking him "what's up with you and nikki?" and he said, "she's just become my best friend. it's nothing. really."

SLAM.

i hit the pavement hard. i'm still so confused. what the fuck happened?

* * *

but today was a new day. and there is a possibility of a new boy.

i don't know if i mentioned him before, but i'll tell the story again, just in case. we hung out over the summer a lot, going down to the neighborhood near school to smoke cigarrettes (and sometimes weed) before summer school. we talked, i bummed him cigs, etc. once school started, he had a girlfriend. we hung out at lunch and he pretended to be my boyfriend to keep my creepy stalker at bay. one day we got talking on facebook after me and molly broke up, and he admitted he'd had this huge crush on me over the summer but was too chicken to do anything, especially since i was with molly at the time. he said he thought i was beautiful and said some other sweet things... nothing over the line of what you could say to a girl while you have a gf, but it was still sweet.

well i ran into him today. he gave me a hug and the first thing out of his mouth was, "guess what, i'm single!"

here we go... :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

(i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Sunday, December 5, 2010

somebody, anybody, please...







...convince me to stay.

panic

i've been hitting random depressed mood swings. 30 minutes ago one of those swings turned into a full-blown panic attack. i haven't had one in so long... it scared the living shit out of me. zack talked to me on the phone for 20 minutes until i could breathe again.

why can i not just have one good thing happen to me?

Friday, December 3, 2010

twitch

yesterday i got a note from my mom. she'd given it to my dad to give to me. it was full of bullshit, just guilt-tripping me into feeling sorry for her, just two sheets of cursive lies. it didn't work. when i saw her today at lauren's choir concert, i had nothing to say. i ignored her from two seats away. when she squeezed my shoulder and tried to say hello, i just mumbled "hi," and looked away. why does she not understand she means nothing to me and i just want her gone?

molly texted me out of the blue. she asked, "do you ever think of me?" i didn't know how to respond. i do think of her, but not often. only when i'm reminded of some memory of her. i don't miss her. i don't love her anymore. so when she called at almost midnight, for some reason i just decided to say "what the hell," and pick it up. she says she misses me like crazy. she asked how i've been and i just said, "how do you think." she talked about her girlfriend and i talked about dan. she asked about daisy and how the whole divorce thing is going. but i just didn't feel like talking to her. it's like, by giving her what she wants, i'm just giving her the power. power she doesn't deserve.

my hand has been randomly twitching all day. usually i'd have muscle spasms back when i was throwing up all the time (it results from electrolyte imbalance), but i've only been throwing up once a day maximum. my friend kat later told me that it's my body eating away at my muscle to fuel itself. why can't it just eat away all this fat first?

my hand started twitching after school when i was working on a project with zack. i mumbled, "dammit, there it goes again." he immediately asked, "when's the last time you ate?" i replied, "yesterday." and promptly changed the subject back to the project.. he didn't forget though. when he left, he said, "bye nikki. eat something." as if it were that simple... honestly, i'm just not in the mood to eat.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

the psychology of ana: project implicit


i found this very interesting.

for sociology class, we're in the middle of a unit about racial and ethnic inequality. so we learned about this experiment that these psychologists did that measured whether people had a preference for white or black people. the test became very well known and widely accepted in many psychological and sociological journals. now it is a wider organization called "project implicit."

in class we took the same test used in the original experiment, for race preference. the teacher told us we could try another test while we were waiting for others to finish up. one of the other tests was "weight preference." you can try out the test here (make sure you read the instructions very carefully!).

it was very interesting to see that even though i'm barely in a healthy weight range, i had a "strong preference for thin people." at the end of the test it shows you the cumulative results from all the test takers and controlled experiments, estimating an average for the whole country. according to project implicit, over 50% of our country has a moderate or strong preference for thin people.

these are unconscious associations, but the unconscious mind can effect the decisions of the conscious mind. this statistic means that being thin would give you an advantage because about 50% of the population prefers you over fat people. society itself is just pushing us to be thinner.

hows that for mathematical motivation?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox