Sunday, December 13, 2009

weed, flyleaf, and hayley williams

ugh. i don't think i am ever going to smoke weed ever again. yesterday me and molly smoked this week-old, really dank shit out of a home-made gatorade bottle bong. it tasted disgusting. my chest hurt. but i kept going, because i wanted the high. five minutes later i couldn't keep my head up or my eyes open and molly ended up making me walk around in her basement, just to make sure i could walk. she was about ready to call 911 twenty minutes later we were up the stairs and in her room. i blacked out at this point, i only remember bits and pieces but molly told me the rest of the story. i do remember we were in her room talking, and, (today is our one year, mind you) she told me that she's not sure if she's in love with me anymore. ouch. anyways, we were in her room for god knows how long before her sister and her sister's girlfriend got home from the mall (yeah, her sister's a lesbian, molly's just bi tho. don't bother asking which i am cuz honestly idk haha). we went to subway. the girl making the sandwiches was getting really pissed off and could probably tell i was high because i couldn't stand up or keep my eyes open. i felt better after i ate, my stomach wasn't woozy anymore (never getting high on an empty stomach again, for sure...). i don't remember anything after that point. i was so tired i just kept laying on molly's shoulder with my eyes closed. we went to her uncle's house and sat on the couch for a long time before her, her cousin and her cousin's gf all wanted to smoke. so we all went in her cousin's friend's car and drove up the street and they smoked but i didn't. just the smell was making me sick. thank god when i got home i was home alone, so my parents wouldn't smell it on me or catch on that i was coming off being stoned as a motherfucker. but the terrible thing is, i had the munchies so bad all day i ate myself up 2lbs. i'd probably be able to flush away most of it if i had some laxies but I FUCKING DON'T. i am so pissed about this weight gain. i was supposed to be in the 140s by today. so much for that. UGH. my birthday's wednesday and there's no chance now i'll be in the 140s by then. dammit.

have you guys ever heard "penholder" by flyleaf? i think it really relates to ana. there's one verse in particular that really relates to me, personally:

"i know what perfection is like,
but i cannot stand before its might,
and i am so far from what you think that i must be,
i just drown myself in mercy..."

i try so hard to reach perfection,
but i never get there.
i'm never good enough for anybody, even my girlfriend, who says i've changed since we started going out and it's making her fall out of love with me.
and i'm always too lenient on myself when it comes to dieting.

well this week is going to be different. i was doing so good last week until thursday, when i started thinking "oh, if i lost a pound and a half after eating nachos with molly on wednesday, surely i'll still lose weight if i eat lunch today and friday too." UGH. damn bulimia is making me too hungry all the time. it's gotten to the point that i have tiny scabs on my knuckles. i need to drop this. i need to use mia only in emergencies where i can't get out of eating, not as an excuse to break fasts and be a fucking pig.

on the plus side, i've found some new thinspiration. i'm not usually big on celeb thinspo but here it is, hayley williams from paramore:


 

3 comments:

  1. hey my lady,
    i feel your pain =P i have the same problem like every day lol smoke and eat my life and the cycle begins...
    But hayley williams is also one of my favorite inspirations. its funny how we enjoy both paramore and flyleaf. i dont know anyone else that loves them as much as i do. atleast not in real life...
    but if you wanna talk some time, feel free. i have an odd feeling we prolly have alot more in common lol

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  2. I thought weed was supposed to raise your metabolism and suppress your appetite :/

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  3. The munchies haha no weed makes you eat like coke and meth makes your metabolism faster and you want to eat some prescription pills do that too but for almost everybody weed makes you eat lol or want to anyway

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