Wednesday, December 16, 2009

linkage, my birthday, and my family

first of all, check out the new link under "Useful Links." there's an online petition to protect our right to publish pro-ana online. i signed it, and so should all of you! so far it has about 13,000 signatures, but the more the better!

another link, i started a poetry memior blog. it's under a different alias because my friend adam knows about it, who can't find out i'm pro-ana, but i invite you all to subscribe! it'll show the more poetic side of me, and you can all see the other aspects of my life more. depression, bipolar disorder, family drama, etc. i'm still working on the layout and stuff, but here it is: http://evelineisheadsick.blogspot.com/

so today's my birthday. honestly, it's been a pretty typical day. i don't feel 16. i don't feel older at all. i just feel ...the same. i'm not getting my license, i'm pretty much the same weight as a year ago, i don't feel like anything's changed. the only difference is that i'm pro-ana now.

i had my u.s. history final, which i probably flunked, and my trig final before getting out of school at 10:40. i feel completely drained. i didn't throw up lunch, which is good and bad. it was a subway tuna sandwich, so at least it was low cal, and i loaded it with veggies like lettuce and tomatoes that make you absorb less fat. plus, i'm trying to kick the habit of mia anyway.

as far as ana goes, a couple stories. first of all, i've managed to lose weight even though i've eaten! i don't understand why, but hey, i'm not complaining :)

yesterday i hung out with my friend adam for the first time, who i met online 2 years ago and is now like a big brother to me. i know that in general that sounds like a bad situation, but if you knew the whole story you'd understand. plus, he's gay. what would have happened? haha. anyways, he took me to jack in the box (inside joke). i ordered two tacos and drank a diet coke. i think he noticed when i went to get a regular coke and then changed my mind, but he didn't say anything. he knows all about my eating disorder except for that i'm pro-ana. anyways, he's now one of the two people i've discovered i can eat in front of without having to hide an inner panic. we both ate, we talked, and i didn't worry at all. i was tempted to sneak off to the bathroom, but i knew he would stop me, and i really wanted the day to go well. he gets pretty pissed when he finds out that i've thrown up or that i haven't eaten. so i ate my two tacos and that satisfied him, and it was all i ate for the day, unbeknownst to him. today we were texting and i told him about a couple incidents with my grandma and he said: "i still can't figure that out [why my family is on my back so much about my weight]. Ur not fat. At all. 100% dead serious honest." i can't decide whether that's his actual opinion or just what he knew he should say. sometimes when people are so close to you, it's hard to tell.

so basically the incidents with my grandma were this:
when we were at subway: "i can't believe you got a foot long sandwich. you don't need to eat that much."
when i wanted to go for a walk in the woods (to smoke a cig heh heh): "you could go on the treadmill too. walking will do you some good.
and she's "just trying to help."
it floors me that my family doesn't understand how much it fucks with me when they make comments like this. if only they knew that that sandwich is the most i've eaten and kept when not on a compulsive binge. if only they knew i had half a mind to get rid of said sandwich via self-induced vomiting. if only they knew that i run a pro-ED blog and youtube account. they're oblivious, so i can't blame them, but it still hurts. and on my birthday of all days.

it's just been a down day...

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

4 comments:

  1. First off Happy Birthday.
    The whole family thing- This may sound fucked up, but think of it as modivation. Once you get skinny, no one will be able to make comments about you. And if they do then it will be how your too skinny. And hey, that's not so bad!:P
    Don't let anybody stop you from being happy.
    *Hug*
    :]

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  2. Hey, read that comment you left on Yummy Secrets- Totally agree with you there.
    In you post you said u've been eating but still losing weight.. lol yeh it actually works.. your metabolism(the thing that burns fat) slows right down when you dont eat so u have to keep it high &awake.. even if its 300cals a day. U'll lose the weight faster if you eat a little bit.... Is your Grandma chubby? next time she makes an unwanted comment tell her to get her fat arse on the treadmill instead! joking lol.
    stay strong girl

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  3. Well if it beckons a smile in the least, happy birthday girl. :]

    I'm sorry that your grandmother is such an oblivious bitch. Honestly, I hate when people makes comments to others who they think are 'fat'. It's annoying. Stay the fuck in your own business, cause no one knows what we're going through. And half the time, those people making comments could afford to lose more weight that those they're commenting on!

    god I hate people.
    cheer up girly.

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  4. Hey...I just started a blog and I would be so thrilled if you took a look at it. I love your writing. Stay strong girl <3

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