Saturday, December 5, 2009

from december 2nd...

so yeah, i made a new blog. hopefully this one will work...

things with molly (my ex/i dont' even know) are so complicated. she's still in love with me. she still hugs me and kisses me and holds my hand. she still says "i love you." but she doesn't know if she wants me back. today she wrote me this really sweet note in our notebook we pass back and forth and she talked about all the things she misses about me and us but she says her emotions are all mixed up. after school she told me that she wants to go out with this chick lauren, who she kissed a few weeks ago and they both have crushes on eachother. she says that if she goes out with her she thinks her feelings will come back because it would "kill her to not be able to kiss me and hold me anymore." i don't know what's going on. i don't know what's going to happen.

i'm not even trying to fast anymore. i just have no interest in eating. i am now 149.5. i made it into the range i've been waiting for for so long and i couldn't even react to it or be happy about it because i'm so dead inside over the break up. because she doesn't want me. i came so close to killing myself the other night. i stole a bottle of muscle relaxers from our kitchen, leftovers from when my mom was having jaw pains. the bottle's still hidden in my room and i don't know if i want to use them. i could swallow them all and everything would go away. but i don't want to die without her. i just don't know anymore.

have you ever seen the movie "the notebook?" i feel like noah. left behind writing love letters every day and going crazy and still building allie's dreamhouse even though she's gone, hoping that one day she'll come back, because i know we're meant to be. never giving up. i swore to her a long time ago that i'd never let go. and even though i broke my swear not to cut myself again, this is a swear i know i am going to keep.

we used to talk about growing old together. we'd picked out names for our kids and the only thing we knew about our futures was that we were going to be sharing a future together. all those plans, all those dreams have been left behind in the dust to be blown away by her soft lips. nothing matters anymore. i can't eat because my stomach feels sick all the time. i can't sleep because all i can do at night is cry knowing she's not mine anymore. i always told her "all i want to be when i grow up is yours" and now that might not happen. and it kills me. every day i die a little more inside and the pain takes over me a little more. i literally feel like there is an empty space in my chest where half my heart used to be, the half that she took away. how long can a person go living with half a heart, carrying all this pain, before they completely shatter? how long can a person be alive feeling so dead inside?

the worst part is that i brought this all on myself. she told me that i've changed and she's right. i turned into a bitch. and i think the change happened when i started sinking into my eating disorder. i'm not giving up ana, but i need to change back to the nikki that she fell in love with last year. i became a bitch. selfish. unable to think before i did or said something stupid. saturday morning, the breakup, was just the kick in the ass i needed to realize that, and i changed in a snap. the only difference between me now and last year is that i'm so unhappy. i feel like i need her to come save me again. i remember the first night we spent together after she asked me out. she took off my bracelets, wanting to see my scars. she touched them, looked at them, and then did the most amazing thing - the thing i'd always wanted someone to do but had never told her about - she kissed my arm. i almost cried i was so happy. and i feel like i'm in that place again. like i'm so desolate and i need her to come back into my life and save me again.

i don't know how to win her back. i don't know how to make her realize that we're meant to be and that if she comes back i'll make her happier than ever, and i'll be everything she's ever wanted me to be. i don't know how to make her fall in love with me all over again. i don't know who i am without her. i don't know anything anymore except that i'm in love with her, that i am in pain, and that i want her back. every time i see a star it's all i wish for, her. when my birthday rolls around in a couple weeks, i'll blow out my candles to her. everything i do is in effort to get her back. she's all i want. the only thing i want. the only thing i need.

last night i went through the box i have of everything she's ever given to me or momentos of us. notes she wrote, pictures she colored (she has this cute little thing about crayons and coloring... sounds stupid but i've always found it adorable), movie ticket stubs, all that jazz. there's even a ketchup packet in there from an inside joke we had. i read every note and taped her pictures all over my walls. i read our first notebook, the one we started before we were even going out. i read the note i wrote to her the day she asked me out. i read the note she wrote me for our one month, the one where she said "waking up with you next to me is like breakfast in bed!" lol. we were so adorable when we first started going out. maybe we got too serious. i dunno. people always told us how cute we were. we have half of eachother's closets, on valentine's day last year she bought me a bouquet of roses and put one fake on in and said "i'll love you til the last one dies," we used to walk down the creek at my house and sit on this one particular rock and just cuddle and listen to the water, we carved our names in a tree... we have all these special moments together and i feel like they're all just getting thrown away.

well i think i've been babbling long enough... i just have so much on my mind. sorry this has been so depressing... i just felt like sharing.

ana love to you all

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