Thursday, December 24, 2009


this week has been hell. absolute hell.

sunday i got caught after smoking a cigarette. which means i don't get to stay home alone during the week, which was my excuse out of breakfast and lunch and the perfect set up for a 4 day fast before christmas. needless to say, i'm also in huge trouble.

so, of course, perfect timing for my mood swings to go completely erratic, right? i barely remember yesterday. that's what happens when i go into extreme mood swings, i basically black out.

monday and tuesday i had to go to work with my dad, part of my punishment. monday i managed to get by eating just some watered down soup. i was so proud of myself. 1/4 can of campbell's vegetarian vegetable soup + enough water to fill my stomach and keep it satisfied. but i came home and crashed. i ate a bowl of pasta, xmas cookies, snack cakes, candy bars... i ate and ate until i felt like i was going to explode and then i kept eating. then i threw up until nothing was coming out but i kept gagging myself. my head and heart were pounding and i couldn't stand up. i was out of breath. when i calmed down some the adrenaline was still surging through me and i spent an hour on the wii fit, making it my goal to do at least an hour every day, including 10 minutes of jogging every day until i could work up to 30 minutes. i was a mess and texted zack about it. he was worried, freaking out, trying to get me to eat but i insisted i was fine. it's the first time i told him straight up "No" when he's asked me to eat. 

tuesday was a different story. i came to work armed with my watered down soup and a bag of diet popcorn (100 cals), ready to face the same routine. but dad decided to go grab lunch. fml. mia took over my mind, not realizing i would have no chance to purge, and i ordered a foot long tuna. as soon as i got done eating that thing the depression hit. i planned on doing 2 hours on the wii fit including a total of 30 minutes of running around my basement. but when i got home i was so depressed i couldn't move. i cried a little. i felt helpless and out of control. so of course my solution to a situation like that is to do something stupid and destructive. i've had a bottle of my mom's old prescription muscle relaxers in my closet since last spring, when i was contemplating suicide. i wasn't wanting enough to kill me, just enough for some kind of high. what happened was my mind was blank, i wasn't thinking any depressed thoughts or feeling any emotion. i ended up getting really tired a couple hours after taking the pills and passed out around 8:30.

yesterday, wednesday, was godawful. i went to my grandmas instead of my dad's work, and about ten minutes after me and my little sister got dropped off someone decided it would be a fantastic idea to go get breakfast at waffle house. i poured over the menu. there was nothing on there that was low cal. then mia popped into my head. "it's loud, they'll never here you, this stuff is so easy to get up, and look, the bathrooms are just single rooms, no stalls and other people to worry about. it'll be fine, nikki." so i listened to here. two eggs, some toast, a waffle, a glass of orange juice and an order of hashbrowns later, i was in the bathroom puking my guts out. i cleaned up and came out and no one said a word. i thought the day would get easier after that, but it didn't. we made cookies all day, and i was so tempted by the dough sticking to my fingers, the aroma filling the house, but i resisted. i ate one cookie. out of the dozens upon dozens, i ate one. but i couldn't get out of lunch, or the popcorn my grandma brought in while me and my sister were watching tv. i ended up having another bad bulimic episode last night, and spent an hour on wii fit, pushing myself until the room started to spin.

you'd think as much as i've been throwing up and working out i would be losing weight. but no. of course not. because fate or god or whoever the hell is controlling my life hates me. i have gained weight every day. every single fucking day. i weigh myself five times a day now, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong. last night before i went to bed, after sweating out a good amount of water weight, i was 159. i REFUSE to go back in the 160s. i don't know what to do. i don't know what's happening. i was so close, i've gotten so close, to the 140s. what happened? i've been bloated lately and i don't know why. i'm praying and praying that it's just me getting my period soon but it's unlikely because i just had it a couple weeks ago and they're usually really far apart. i don't know why i'm bloated. i don't know why i'm gaining all this weight. all i know is that it makes me just want to crawl in a hole and hide from everything. all the food, the calories, the temptations.. i want to crawl in a hole and emerge a beautiful stick figure, like a butterfly from its crysalis. i've been wanting to cut so badly, craving it every single fucking day. i don't know what to do anymore. i feel like everything's slipping out of my hands, out of my control. i don't know how to get it back. part of me wants to die. i don't know. i just don't know.



  1. Don't cut yourself, I'm sorry it's been such a hard week. Hang in there and turn to your friends in these times. I don't know how close you are to your true-life friends, but we're here for you. Always. I admire your writing so much, I would love it if you read my blog that I just started :)


  2. I'm so sorry things haven't been going well. I know how hard it is when you break into a new zone, only to bounce back out. I had just made it into the 140s before xmas, and now... well yuck.

    Anyway, please hang in there!! You will will get control back, and you will get to the 140s.


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