Thursday, December 31, 2009

a quickie

an incident happened on sunday night that made it rather easy to lose my will to eat. monday, tuesday, wednesday, i ate nothing, always keeping a bag of diet popcorn with me just in case i really needed it. the bag is still unopened. what happened is unimportant, because it all turned out to be a joke my girlfriend was playing. i was still pretty fucked up over it though. monday night i had a bad bulimic episode and tuesday night i popped three prozac and was flying on the clouds.

i wish i had time to tell you all the emotions running through my head, everything that's going on. but i have to summarize. i'm back on track, for sure. i've been working out an hour a day on wii fit and have lost 4 lbs this week, hoping to lose another pound or two by the end of the week. school starts monday and i want to look good. will people even notice?

ha. as if anyone ever notices me.

i'll be back soon everyone.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, December 24, 2009

:,(

this week has been hell. absolute hell.

sunday i got caught after smoking a cigarette. which means i don't get to stay home alone during the week, which was my excuse out of breakfast and lunch and the perfect set up for a 4 day fast before christmas. needless to say, i'm also in huge trouble.

so, of course, perfect timing for my mood swings to go completely erratic, right? i barely remember yesterday. that's what happens when i go into extreme mood swings, i basically black out.

monday and tuesday i had to go to work with my dad, part of my punishment. monday i managed to get by eating just some watered down soup. i was so proud of myself. 1/4 can of campbell's vegetarian vegetable soup + enough water to fill my stomach and keep it satisfied. but i came home and crashed. i ate a bowl of pasta, xmas cookies, snack cakes, candy bars... i ate and ate until i felt like i was going to explode and then i kept eating. then i threw up until nothing was coming out but i kept gagging myself. my head and heart were pounding and i couldn't stand up. i was out of breath. when i calmed down some the adrenaline was still surging through me and i spent an hour on the wii fit, making it my goal to do at least an hour every day, including 10 minutes of jogging every day until i could work up to 30 minutes. i was a mess and texted zack about it. he was worried, freaking out, trying to get me to eat but i insisted i was fine. it's the first time i told him straight up "No" when he's asked me to eat. 

tuesday was a different story. i came to work armed with my watered down soup and a bag of diet popcorn (100 cals), ready to face the same routine. but dad decided to go grab lunch. fml. mia took over my mind, not realizing i would have no chance to purge, and i ordered a foot long tuna. as soon as i got done eating that thing the depression hit. i planned on doing 2 hours on the wii fit including a total of 30 minutes of running around my basement. but when i got home i was so depressed i couldn't move. i cried a little. i felt helpless and out of control. so of course my solution to a situation like that is to do something stupid and destructive. i've had a bottle of my mom's old prescription muscle relaxers in my closet since last spring, when i was contemplating suicide. i wasn't wanting enough to kill me, just enough for some kind of high. what happened was my mind was blank, i wasn't thinking any depressed thoughts or feeling any emotion. i ended up getting really tired a couple hours after taking the pills and passed out around 8:30.

yesterday, wednesday, was godawful. i went to my grandmas instead of my dad's work, and about ten minutes after me and my little sister got dropped off someone decided it would be a fantastic idea to go get breakfast at waffle house. i poured over the menu. there was nothing on there that was low cal. then mia popped into my head. "it's loud, they'll never here you, this stuff is so easy to get up, and look, the bathrooms are just single rooms, no stalls and other people to worry about. it'll be fine, nikki." so i listened to here. two eggs, some toast, a waffle, a glass of orange juice and an order of hashbrowns later, i was in the bathroom puking my guts out. i cleaned up and came out and no one said a word. i thought the day would get easier after that, but it didn't. we made cookies all day, and i was so tempted by the dough sticking to my fingers, the aroma filling the house, but i resisted. i ate one cookie. out of the dozens upon dozens, i ate one. but i couldn't get out of lunch, or the popcorn my grandma brought in while me and my sister were watching tv. i ended up having another bad bulimic episode last night, and spent an hour on wii fit, pushing myself until the room started to spin.

you'd think as much as i've been throwing up and working out i would be losing weight. but no. of course not. because fate or god or whoever the hell is controlling my life hates me. i have gained weight every day. every single fucking day. i weigh myself five times a day now, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong. last night before i went to bed, after sweating out a good amount of water weight, i was 159. i REFUSE to go back in the 160s. i don't know what to do. i don't know what's happening. i was so close, i've gotten so close, to the 140s. what happened? i've been bloated lately and i don't know why. i'm praying and praying that it's just me getting my period soon but it's unlikely because i just had it a couple weeks ago and they're usually really far apart. i don't know why i'm bloated. i don't know why i'm gaining all this weight. all i know is that it makes me just want to crawl in a hole and hide from everything. all the food, the calories, the temptations.. i want to crawl in a hole and emerge a beautiful stick figure, like a butterfly from its crysalis. i've been wanting to cut so badly, craving it every single fucking day. i don't know what to do anymore. i feel like everything's slipping out of my hands, out of my control. i don't know how to get it back. part of me wants to die. i don't know. i just don't know.

xoxoNikkioxx

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

linkage, my birthday, and my family

first of all, check out the new link under "Useful Links." there's an online petition to protect our right to publish pro-ana online. i signed it, and so should all of you! so far it has about 13,000 signatures, but the more the better!

another link, i started a poetry memior blog. it's under a different alias because my friend adam knows about it, who can't find out i'm pro-ana, but i invite you all to subscribe! it'll show the more poetic side of me, and you can all see the other aspects of my life more. depression, bipolar disorder, family drama, etc. i'm still working on the layout and stuff, but here it is: http://evelineisheadsick.blogspot.com/

so today's my birthday. honestly, it's been a pretty typical day. i don't feel 16. i don't feel older at all. i just feel ...the same. i'm not getting my license, i'm pretty much the same weight as a year ago, i don't feel like anything's changed. the only difference is that i'm pro-ana now.

i had my u.s. history final, which i probably flunked, and my trig final before getting out of school at 10:40. i feel completely drained. i didn't throw up lunch, which is good and bad. it was a subway tuna sandwich, so at least it was low cal, and i loaded it with veggies like lettuce and tomatoes that make you absorb less fat. plus, i'm trying to kick the habit of mia anyway.

as far as ana goes, a couple stories. first of all, i've managed to lose weight even though i've eaten! i don't understand why, but hey, i'm not complaining :)

yesterday i hung out with my friend adam for the first time, who i met online 2 years ago and is now like a big brother to me. i know that in general that sounds like a bad situation, but if you knew the whole story you'd understand. plus, he's gay. what would have happened? haha. anyways, he took me to jack in the box (inside joke). i ordered two tacos and drank a diet coke. i think he noticed when i went to get a regular coke and then changed my mind, but he didn't say anything. he knows all about my eating disorder except for that i'm pro-ana. anyways, he's now one of the two people i've discovered i can eat in front of without having to hide an inner panic. we both ate, we talked, and i didn't worry at all. i was tempted to sneak off to the bathroom, but i knew he would stop me, and i really wanted the day to go well. he gets pretty pissed when he finds out that i've thrown up or that i haven't eaten. so i ate my two tacos and that satisfied him, and it was all i ate for the day, unbeknownst to him. today we were texting and i told him about a couple incidents with my grandma and he said: "i still can't figure that out [why my family is on my back so much about my weight]. Ur not fat. At all. 100% dead serious honest." i can't decide whether that's his actual opinion or just what he knew he should say. sometimes when people are so close to you, it's hard to tell.

so basically the incidents with my grandma were this:
when we were at subway: "i can't believe you got a foot long sandwich. you don't need to eat that much."
when i wanted to go for a walk in the woods (to smoke a cig heh heh): "you could go on the treadmill too. walking will do you some good.
and she's "just trying to help."
it floors me that my family doesn't understand how much it fucks with me when they make comments like this. if only they knew that that sandwich is the most i've eaten and kept when not on a compulsive binge. if only they knew i had half a mind to get rid of said sandwich via self-induced vomiting. if only they knew that i run a pro-ED blog and youtube account. they're oblivious, so i can't blame them, but it still hurts. and on my birthday of all days.

it's just been a down day...

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, December 14, 2009

the birthday week plan

my birthday's wednesday. obviously, i am going to be stuck eating. so the goal this week is to at least maintain where i am right now, 153, and possibly lose weight. even though i'm trying to quit using mia as an excuse to eat, i realize that this week involves some of those circumstances where i really have no other choice. so i came up with a plan for the week:

today: tuna sandwich on toast (150 cals), small coffee (150 cals)
TUES: going out to lunch with my best friend, planning on just eating a small fry at jack in the box (it's the best i can do without being suspicious since he knows about my ED)
WED: bday lunch and dinner, purge whenever possible and DO NOT EAT other than these two meals
THURS: fast
FRI: small coffee in the morning to kick start metabolism, share food and eat lowest cals possible without being suspicious (popcorn and water, small ice cream)
SAT: fast
SUN: fast

wish me luck this week, girls! keep in mind this is my first winter with ana, so it's my first time trying to work dieting/fasting/purging around holiday dinners and my birthday plans. so i really need the support! lots of ana love to you all!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, December 13, 2009

weed, flyleaf, and hayley williams

ugh. i don't think i am ever going to smoke weed ever again. yesterday me and molly smoked this week-old, really dank shit out of a home-made gatorade bottle bong. it tasted disgusting. my chest hurt. but i kept going, because i wanted the high. five minutes later i couldn't keep my head up or my eyes open and molly ended up making me walk around in her basement, just to make sure i could walk. she was about ready to call 911 twenty minutes later we were up the stairs and in her room. i blacked out at this point, i only remember bits and pieces but molly told me the rest of the story. i do remember we were in her room talking, and, (today is our one year, mind you) she told me that she's not sure if she's in love with me anymore. ouch. anyways, we were in her room for god knows how long before her sister and her sister's girlfriend got home from the mall (yeah, her sister's a lesbian, molly's just bi tho. don't bother asking which i am cuz honestly idk haha). we went to subway. the girl making the sandwiches was getting really pissed off and could probably tell i was high because i couldn't stand up or keep my eyes open. i felt better after i ate, my stomach wasn't woozy anymore (never getting high on an empty stomach again, for sure...). i don't remember anything after that point. i was so tired i just kept laying on molly's shoulder with my eyes closed. we went to her uncle's house and sat on the couch for a long time before her, her cousin and her cousin's gf all wanted to smoke. so we all went in her cousin's friend's car and drove up the street and they smoked but i didn't. just the smell was making me sick. thank god when i got home i was home alone, so my parents wouldn't smell it on me or catch on that i was coming off being stoned as a motherfucker. but the terrible thing is, i had the munchies so bad all day i ate myself up 2lbs. i'd probably be able to flush away most of it if i had some laxies but I FUCKING DON'T. i am so pissed about this weight gain. i was supposed to be in the 140s by today. so much for that. UGH. my birthday's wednesday and there's no chance now i'll be in the 140s by then. dammit.

have you guys ever heard "penholder" by flyleaf? i think it really relates to ana. there's one verse in particular that really relates to me, personally:

"i know what perfection is like,
but i cannot stand before its might,
and i am so far from what you think that i must be,
i just drown myself in mercy..."

i try so hard to reach perfection,
but i never get there.
i'm never good enough for anybody, even my girlfriend, who says i've changed since we started going out and it's making her fall out of love with me.
and i'm always too lenient on myself when it comes to dieting.

well this week is going to be different. i was doing so good last week until thursday, when i started thinking "oh, if i lost a pound and a half after eating nachos with molly on wednesday, surely i'll still lose weight if i eat lunch today and friday too." UGH. damn bulimia is making me too hungry all the time. it's gotten to the point that i have tiny scabs on my knuckles. i need to drop this. i need to use mia only in emergencies where i can't get out of eating, not as an excuse to break fasts and be a fucking pig.

on the plus side, i've found some new thinspiration. i'm not usually big on celeb thinspo but here it is, hayley williams from paramore:


 

Friday, December 11, 2009

caught

in german class today, everyone brought in food for our "weihnacht party" (christmas party). panera bread bagels, croissants, nutella, cookies, orange juice, pumpkin bread... needless to day, i ate a little bit of everything. and, needless to say, i set of to dispose of it in the bathroom.

everything was going fine. but halfway through, i heard footsteps. there is no doubt that who ever she was, she heard me.

i panicked. i didn't know what to do except clean myself up, flush, and bolt. i pray that she didn't recognize the purple knock-off uggs on my feet.

i came back into the classroom with a bright red knuckle and a composed smile. no one said a word.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Psychology of Ana - Metabolism and the Set Point

in my psychology class we have been learning about emotion and motivation. one component of that is hunger: what drives us to eat? there's a lot of biological components, brain parts and hormones that we can't really control. but i have discovered a theory we can manipulate, and it's really opened my eyes as to why i keep plateauing just a few pounds away from my starting weight. it's called the "set point."

your "set point" is the weight that your body tries to maintain, by increasing or decreasing your metabolism. if a person gains weight, but makes no changes other than diet, their body will increase metabolism so they loose the weight. that's why recovering anas balloon before settling down to a "normal" weight. but here's the part that applies to us right now: if a person loses weight, the body will slow the metabolism, causing the person to gain back the weight even if they are eating less.

so how do we override this automatic reaction? EXERCISE! many pro-anas think that fasting or purging is the "short cut" to get around exercise. if you keep this mentality, you'll only plateau or gain back the weight. even when you're running on nothing, exercise is the key to keep losing. any little bit helps. scientific studies have shown that people who fidget throughout the day weigh less than people who don't. fidget, stand up as much as possible, pace your room, every calorie counts (both in AND out).

so if you're at a plateau or gaining, it's probably your body trying to maintain that set point, and the only way to overcome that is to be more active and have a higher energy output.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

worst week ever.

here i am, standing on the floor. it keeps bending and cracking under my weight. any second, it is going to break, and i am going to fall.

that is my life.

i have never been so stressed for so long. i'm overwhelmed. completely. i am drowning in all of this. i have a 4-person psychology project due friday that i am doing alone and am barely 1/5 of the way through. on top of this, i have a busy schedule with band practices and concerts, other homework, fuck, i even have to squeeze showers into my schedule this week. fasting is hard because with all the anxiety i just want to eat. i chew gum, and it helps a bit, but not nearly enough. i stole an idea from my friend anna who also has an eating disorder (but she doesn't know the extent of mine, nor is she pro-ana, nor does she know i'm pro-ana): she eats one snack a day, in 3rd hour. i have that class with her, and our little corner always brings food. rather than be tempted to eat everyone elses cookies, i sit back and enjoy a little back of baked cheetoes, 130 cals. it's enough to satisfy my mind for a few hours, and it keeps me from being tempted by worse foods. unfortunately, i don't have time to exercise, and over the weekend i gained back 4lbs.

i don't have time to exercise, i don't have the energy to purge, the only solution is to fast. and i'm going 'til saturday morning when i see molly. no. fucking. excuses. "you may as well be thin while all the crap flies around you." that's my motto this week.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, December 6, 2009

<3

i was walking around in kohl's when i got a random text from molly.
Her: "Question."
Me: "Yes?"
Her: "Will you go back out with me?"

the butterflies are still flying all around in my stomach.. :)

Saturday, December 5, 2009

from later that day on december 2nd...

Me: "Truth or dare?"
Her: "Truth."
Me: "Do you want to have your feelings back for me?"
Her: "Idk."
Me: "Why???"
Her: "Cuz they already r................."
Me: "?????? are they really??"
Her: "R they?"

still no answers.

>sigh<

from december 2nd...

so yeah, i made a new blog. hopefully this one will work...

things with molly (my ex/i dont' even know) are so complicated. she's still in love with me. she still hugs me and kisses me and holds my hand. she still says "i love you." but she doesn't know if she wants me back. today she wrote me this really sweet note in our notebook we pass back and forth and she talked about all the things she misses about me and us but she says her emotions are all mixed up. after school she told me that she wants to go out with this chick lauren, who she kissed a few weeks ago and they both have crushes on eachother. she says that if she goes out with her she thinks her feelings will come back because it would "kill her to not be able to kiss me and hold me anymore." i don't know what's going on. i don't know what's going to happen.

i'm not even trying to fast anymore. i just have no interest in eating. i am now 149.5. i made it into the range i've been waiting for for so long and i couldn't even react to it or be happy about it because i'm so dead inside over the break up. because she doesn't want me. i came so close to killing myself the other night. i stole a bottle of muscle relaxers from our kitchen, leftovers from when my mom was having jaw pains. the bottle's still hidden in my room and i don't know if i want to use them. i could swallow them all and everything would go away. but i don't want to die without her. i just don't know anymore.

have you ever seen the movie "the notebook?" i feel like noah. left behind writing love letters every day and going crazy and still building allie's dreamhouse even though she's gone, hoping that one day she'll come back, because i know we're meant to be. never giving up. i swore to her a long time ago that i'd never let go. and even though i broke my swear not to cut myself again, this is a swear i know i am going to keep.

we used to talk about growing old together. we'd picked out names for our kids and the only thing we knew about our futures was that we were going to be sharing a future together. all those plans, all those dreams have been left behind in the dust to be blown away by her soft lips. nothing matters anymore. i can't eat because my stomach feels sick all the time. i can't sleep because all i can do at night is cry knowing she's not mine anymore. i always told her "all i want to be when i grow up is yours" and now that might not happen. and it kills me. every day i die a little more inside and the pain takes over me a little more. i literally feel like there is an empty space in my chest where half my heart used to be, the half that she took away. how long can a person go living with half a heart, carrying all this pain, before they completely shatter? how long can a person be alive feeling so dead inside?

the worst part is that i brought this all on myself. she told me that i've changed and she's right. i turned into a bitch. and i think the change happened when i started sinking into my eating disorder. i'm not giving up ana, but i need to change back to the nikki that she fell in love with last year. i became a bitch. selfish. unable to think before i did or said something stupid. saturday morning, the breakup, was just the kick in the ass i needed to realize that, and i changed in a snap. the only difference between me now and last year is that i'm so unhappy. i feel like i need her to come save me again. i remember the first night we spent together after she asked me out. she took off my bracelets, wanting to see my scars. she touched them, looked at them, and then did the most amazing thing - the thing i'd always wanted someone to do but had never told her about - she kissed my arm. i almost cried i was so happy. and i feel like i'm in that place again. like i'm so desolate and i need her to come back into my life and save me again.

i don't know how to win her back. i don't know how to make her realize that we're meant to be and that if she comes back i'll make her happier than ever, and i'll be everything she's ever wanted me to be. i don't know how to make her fall in love with me all over again. i don't know who i am without her. i don't know anything anymore except that i'm in love with her, that i am in pain, and that i want her back. every time i see a star it's all i wish for, her. when my birthday rolls around in a couple weeks, i'll blow out my candles to her. everything i do is in effort to get her back. she's all i want. the only thing i want. the only thing i need.

last night i went through the box i have of everything she's ever given to me or momentos of us. notes she wrote, pictures she colored (she has this cute little thing about crayons and coloring... sounds stupid but i've always found it adorable), movie ticket stubs, all that jazz. there's even a ketchup packet in there from an inside joke we had. i read every note and taped her pictures all over my walls. i read our first notebook, the one we started before we were even going out. i read the note i wrote to her the day she asked me out. i read the note she wrote me for our one month, the one where she said "waking up with you next to me is like breakfast in bed!" lol. we were so adorable when we first started going out. maybe we got too serious. i dunno. people always told us how cute we were. we have half of eachother's closets, on valentine's day last year she bought me a bouquet of roses and put one fake on in and said "i'll love you til the last one dies," we used to walk down the creek at my house and sit on this one particular rock and just cuddle and listen to the water, we carved our names in a tree... we have all these special moments together and i feel like they're all just getting thrown away.

well i think i've been babbling long enough... i just have so much on my mind. sorry this has been so depressing... i just felt like sharing.

ana love to you all
xoxoNikkioxox

commenting should work now, update

i messed around with the comment settings and you guys should be able to post comments now. i'm gonna delete the other blog now that it works.

okay girls, i really need your advice. me and my gf/ex/whatever it is now (let's just call her molly) are cool now, but not together. she came over yesterday and spent the night and we cuddled and talked and just had an awesome time, and she officially told me that she IS going to come back, just not right now, because of the whole situation with the other girl lauren. she's talking to lauren tonight, so she'll probably figure that part out then. so we're good now, i'm still getting her a one year present and everything, and i think things will get better from here.

but here's the part i need advice on. two incidents happened. first, thursday night we were playing truth or dare and i asked her what she would do if i went anorexic. she said "i would be pissed." "why?" "cuz it's dumb.." okay then... and last night she told me she wouldn't be able to date me if i was skinny. she said she loves my body the way it is now, and if i got thin there would be nothing to hold on to. i don't understand it. i think when she's laying down and her hip bones stick out a little it's really sexy. she's the opposite. i don't get what she sees... anyway, this brings me to a crossroad. what do i do? do i just use ana to get to a healthy weight and then stop? do i wait until she says i'm getting too thin? do i go all the way to 110 no matter what? do i get underweight and sick so she'll never let go? do i leave her behind in the quest for flawlessness? i really don't know what to do. i haven't weighed in since thursday night, and have been eating since yesterday morning. i want to do a five-day fast starting tomorrow, but i really don't know what to do in the long run. thoughts? advice? please, i need you guys.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox