Friday, November 27, 2009

drunken confessions, 140s in 6 days, and a poison in my head

i've been hearing from ppl that the layout i had wasn't letting you guys comment, so i changed it to a blogger default. when i have more time i'll mess around with it and find something a little less boring, haha. anyways, you should be able to comment now.

i added a couple songs to the playlist, "to be loved" by papa roach, a couple staind songs and "over and over" by three days grace. enjoy!

thanksgiving went okay, i purged most of dinner and had a small piece of pumpkin pie. overall, i think i did pretty good as far as eating goes.

unfortunately my gf got drunk and told me that she has a crush on the girl she kissed last weekend (even though she just officially asked me back out and ended our "break" tuesday), and that she's been losing feelings for me. this makes me feel that: i am not enough, there is something these other ppl have that i don't and that's why she keeps crushing on other ppl, and that if i wither away she'll want me and only me. hence the knew plan: i am going to get into the 140s range by next saturday, no excuses. today i plan on eating only once at my gf's house, dinner, and after that i'm fasting until next friday when i'll hang out with her again. that's 6 days, the furthest i'll have ever gone. anyone wanna join me? wish me luck girls.

i honestly think i'm bipolar. i keep swinging from tired and numb to a manic high to angry for no reason to so depressed i can't hardly move. it's ridiculous. i don't know what to do... i can't just go to my parents and say "i'm fucked up, i need pills, i need a diagnosis, i need a shrink." when they found out i was cutting myself they didn't even set me up with a counselor, so why would it be different now? my friend erica takes prozac and her mom never keeps track of her pills, sometimes she'll take five at a time. i'm really tempted to ask her if i can have some.. but my gf would kill me if she found out. she's absolutely against me taking pills.

but what's worse, me taking pills, or me so fucked up i sit there in bed shaking with a knife in my hand for an hour on the phone with zack, who's desperately trying to convince me not to drag it across my skin?

i used to be like this all the time. i'd have insane mood swings lasting anywhere from five minutes to hours to days. i heard voices. there was even one incident where i thought that the light in my room was going to kill me. then when i started dating molly it all went away. but i feel like it's coming back, like i'm relapsing, like something is taking over my head and i can't stop the poison from spreading. i am out of control of my own mind. it's divided into two parts, this cancer and the little part of the real me that's left somewhere. but that little part can't fight off the rest.

i am determined and happy, depressed and emotionless all at the same time. and its taking all my energy away...

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

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