Wednesday, November 18, 2009

dear diary...

since i havent been on much and a lot has been going on, here are some excerpts from my actual diary to let you all know what's been going down.

after being forced into a cheese tortellini dinner with lord knows how many calories and no chance of purging, i am angry. after going down to 155, i am now 159.5 because of my damn eating. fuck food. fuck hunger. i am so determined. i am going to win.

my goal: to lose as much weight as possible this week

my plan: half a small coffee in the morning or less before giving the rest away, OR a 20 cal monster OR tea; 3 diet pills before 2nd hour; one piece of leftover bite size halloween candy for every successful fasting day

my motto: let's raise some hell

the diet pills. it's a love/hate relationship. i hate them because by 7th hour i feel like i'm going to die, like something is inside my intestines ripping everything to pieces. but i love them because they help me lose. they are worth the pain.

every day fasting just gets easier and easier..

i told zack that i haven't eaten since saturday. minutes later, to my shock, he was calling me. we've never talked on the phone before. he asked me if i was at least drinking water. the concern and worry in his voice was making me want to cry. no one's ever cared like that. even my gf will just say "it's nothing to get upset about, you'll be fine, stop crying," when i'm upset. but zack? god... all i can say is that his voice during that call will be forever stuck in my head. the only thing i lied about was almost passing out this morning, because i didn't want to hurt him any more than i already had. he convinced me to eat something and i had a mini bag of pretzels, 50 cals, which would have been my fasting reward anyway. we both won. sort of.

he's to me like paul is to kat, if any of you read quest for perfection. even though there's no romantic interest involved in my case, he's the one person who knows, cares, keeps tabs on me, and who i absolutely cannot lie to. but i need to. everyone needs to think i'm losing the healthy way. the only thing he doesn't know about is the blog, that i am pro ana, that i am more determined than ever to make myself sick. beautifully, elegantly sick.

my fast is over, and i am down 6.5 lbs from when i started. i literally was jumping around my room this morning when i saw 153 on the scale.

i brought a baggie of cereal and ate it in front of zack in band first hour, because a college quintet had come to play and we all got to sit with our friends and listen. when zack sat down he asked how i was feeling, and i said good. i was grateful we were sitting in the very back, where i could eat my cereal without feeling 200 pairs of eyes searing into my fat back. zack seemed happy to see i was eating.

it was really odd though. every time i ate, i didn't feel like eating. i would take a few reluctant bites before giving or throwing the rest away. nothing tasted right. 

the really odd part? i was with my gf after school til 9. all i ate was a small salad. she didn't say a word.

every time i'm confronted with food, i cannot get my head in the game. i keep eating lunch, eating dinner, things i used to never do, because they were such easy meals to get out of. but then at night, i put myself through exercise hell, doing the following routine 5 times:

-20 crunches
-20 side leg raises, laying on right side and raising left leg about a foot

-15 push ups
-20 side leg raises, laying on left side and raising right leg about a foot

-20 leg lifts (lay on back, sit on hands, raise both legs with feet together about a foot off the ground)

i just keep doing it in cycles until my body caves. and even though i've been purging dinner every night, of the 3 lbs i gained saturday from eating (up to 156 now) i have only lost 1 (now at 155).

i hate this.

Today: it was an early release day and we got out at 12:35. i was planning on lying to my friends and saying i was eating lunch at home, and lying to my parents and saying i had eaten lunch at school. fool proof right? it would have been if it wasn't for my damn hunger. i ate nachos. WTF. then i freaked out. the class after lunch, i asked to go to the bathroom. luckily my teacher is very laid back and either didn't notice or didn't care how long it took me. the first bathroom i went to had people in it, so i left. i walked to a different part of the building and prayed that the second bathroom i tried would be empty. it was. i covered my red knuckle with my sleeve and went back to class with a smirk on my face.

then when i got to the car, my grandma was picking me up, and said she was taking me out to lunch. i went, i ate, i had a good time, and as soon as i came home i threw up. and threw up and threw up and threw up. until my stomach was so empty it tasted to foul to stand.

i feel so much more in control. purging makes me feel so light, so empty.

but at the same time, there is guilt. last night i told zack i hadn't purged at all that day (right before i went in the shower and purged up a soft pretzel). he told me if i went the rest of the week he would buy me a present.

then again, what's a few white lies compared to the glory of thin?

i'll be updating as much as possible through the month. next time i get a chance i have some interesting thoughts i jotted down about ana and religion. should spur some discussion, since none of you all ever comment :'(

stay strong, think thin, live ana

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