Monday, November 30, 2009

god damn fucking technology

i'll post a long update abt the goings on in my life later, when i have more time.

just wanted to let you all know i'm going to open another blog soon since the comments aren't working on this one. it'll be http://-lettersfromana-.blogspot.com/, if all goes according to plan. don't click that link btw, idk how to get rid of it. the long update will probably go on the new blog.

and no, i'm not okay.. the only thing getting me by is the satisfaction of knowing i'm closer to my point of no return with every day this lack of appetite brings my weight down, down, down.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

dead inside

last night i cut myself 20 times.
every time i pushed harder and harder.
wanted to see more and more blood.

i just want her back.
i want her to whisper in my ear,
"i love you,"
and sound like she means it.

i don't know how much longer i can hold together
all the fragile, taped together pieces of me,
hiding behind a fake smile,
before i completely fall apart...

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Friday, November 27, 2009

drunken confessions, 140s in 6 days, and a poison in my head

i've been hearing from ppl that the layout i had wasn't letting you guys comment, so i changed it to a blogger default. when i have more time i'll mess around with it and find something a little less boring, haha. anyways, you should be able to comment now.

i added a couple songs to the playlist, "to be loved" by papa roach, a couple staind songs and "over and over" by three days grace. enjoy!

thanksgiving went okay, i purged most of dinner and had a small piece of pumpkin pie. overall, i think i did pretty good as far as eating goes.

unfortunately my gf got drunk and told me that she has a crush on the girl she kissed last weekend (even though she just officially asked me back out and ended our "break" tuesday), and that she's been losing feelings for me. this makes me feel that: i am not enough, there is something these other ppl have that i don't and that's why she keeps crushing on other ppl, and that if i wither away she'll want me and only me. hence the knew plan: i am going to get into the 140s range by next saturday, no excuses. today i plan on eating only once at my gf's house, dinner, and after that i'm fasting until next friday when i'll hang out with her again. that's 6 days, the furthest i'll have ever gone. anyone wanna join me? wish me luck girls.

i honestly think i'm bipolar. i keep swinging from tired and numb to a manic high to angry for no reason to so depressed i can't hardly move. it's ridiculous. i don't know what to do... i can't just go to my parents and say "i'm fucked up, i need pills, i need a diagnosis, i need a shrink." when they found out i was cutting myself they didn't even set me up with a counselor, so why would it be different now? my friend erica takes prozac and her mom never keeps track of her pills, sometimes she'll take five at a time. i'm really tempted to ask her if i can have some.. but my gf would kill me if she found out. she's absolutely against me taking pills.

but what's worse, me taking pills, or me so fucked up i sit there in bed shaking with a knife in my hand for an hour on the phone with zack, who's desperately trying to convince me not to drag it across my skin?

i used to be like this all the time. i'd have insane mood swings lasting anywhere from five minutes to hours to days. i heard voices. there was even one incident where i thought that the light in my room was going to kill me. then when i started dating molly it all went away. but i feel like it's coming back, like i'm relapsing, like something is taking over my head and i can't stop the poison from spreading. i am out of control of my own mind. it's divided into two parts, this cancer and the little part of the real me that's left somewhere. but that little part can't fight off the rest.

i am determined and happy, depressed and emotionless all at the same time. and its taking all my energy away...

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

new email, youtube, and facebook

hey, everyone. i've switched to a new email address for all my ana stuff. if you've been emailing me under the punkchick14 account you can still do that, but if you haven't emailed me yet please do so at lettersfromana@live.com.

i've also started a new youtube account, xxLettersFromAnaxx, to put up thinspo videos, and maybe eventually some original pro-ana songs. you can check out my first one here.

also, friend me on facebook! just click the link on my sidebar. i'll start a pro ana group soon, once i have some friends.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

a dark place

that's what i'm in.

saturday i cut myself 3 times, burned myself, and tried to get drunk off mouthwash.

i'm all fucked up inside. it's as simple as that.

i cannot remember the last time i went a day without throwing up. my average is 2-3 times a day now. full on bulimia.

nor can i remember the last time i smiled without faking it, the last day i went without crying, the last time, for just a moment, that i felt truely, truely happy.

i have no friends. i'm a freak. a loner. broken. unwanted. unloved.

i want to numb the pain away. just starve myself into a withering mess. because if i'm going to be a mess, i may as well be thin.

how is it possible to feel this sad?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The 3-Step Program for Ana

My passion is BACK! I feel so light and in control, and I love it! A lot of what helped was organizing all the things I did during my 5 day fast into words in my journal. I soon realized it's like an Ana Step-By-Step Program! lol. So I went ahead and typed it up, just for all you ladies. Enjoy!

Everyone knows those thinspo sites, we’ve all browsed through them and many of us still do. We pore over those lists of tips, and a lot of times it ends up repeating the same tips over and over on every website. It’s about time somebody came up with something new. And that’s exactly what I’ve done. So here it is, my 3 Step “Program” for the perfect fasting plan. :)
Step 1: Initial Motivation– Find a reason to fast. SPECIFIC for this fast. Maybe you got in a fight with your bf/gf and you want to get back at them, or you think getting skinny will solve all your relationship issues. Maybe you want the praise from your parents. Whatever it is, think of it. The key is to make it specific, not just “I want to be skinny” or “I hate how I look” or something like that. Gear it towards what’s going on in your life. I take out all my stressors on it. Fight with my gf? Lose weight to stop the fighting. Mom calls me fat? I’ll show her.

Step 2: Creating Your Plan – I would suggest writing out your plan in your ana diary, food journal, or wherever you want. But PHYSICALLY write it, don’t type it out. Whenever you physically write things they are stuck in your head more, more committed to memory (it’s the same reason teachers may tell you not to change your answer on a multiple choice – your body wrote it down for a reason). You need your goal, your plan, and your motto.
  • The goal could be how much weight you want to lose by a certain date, or in a certain amount of time, or maybe you want to stretch how long you can make it on a fast. The plan is exactly that – your plan. What you’re allowed to eat or drink, when and how much you exercise (even better – plan out your exercise routine too).
  • Also plan out your rewards. A daily reward is really effective. A good way to do it is to eat something bite sized or 50 cals or under right before you go to bed for every day you successfully stick to your plan. Or, let yourself get a coffee or low-carb energy drink in the morning if you've lost weight after a successful day. I know, eating to motivate yourself to lose weight? It's not as crazy as you'd think. Food is naturally a GREAT reinforcer for behavior because our bodies, by biology, want food. Reward yourself with food and you'll get in the mindset to stick to your plan very fast.
  • Your motto is a great motivator. Come up with something creative, or use a new thinspo quote (check out the new Quote of the Week section in my sidebar). Make sure it's empowering. My latest one was "Let's raise some hell." It reflected that fire inside me, that angry determination, and it got me through all five days with a lot of ease.
Step 3: Sticking to It - I don't know if i invented this or if I've just never seen it on an ana site before, but I call it "Self-Thinspiration." It's where you motivate yourself to stick to your plan, not with other people (thinspo pictures, quotes, songs) but with yourself.
     Here's a couple ways I've come up with doing it:
  • Self-Thinspiring Pictures - stand in front of the mirror with your camera, wearing either a tight cami or just your bra. Stretch up your arms as HIGH  as you can. This stretches your whole torso, and makes you look slimmer from the side, right? Take a picture of yourself, side view. I just fumbled with stretching one arm and keeping my shoulder up of my other arm and took the picture, but your cameras probably have timers you could set. See that picture over there? that's me, last week, all stretched up. I look NOTHING LIKE THAT in reality.
  • Text Yourself - Every night right before you go to sleep, text up a little note to motivate yourself for the next day (POSITIVE encouragement) and congratulate yourself for what you did right that day. Sign it "Love, Ana." Text it to yourself and don't open it. Then in the morning, open it. Read it. Even though you already know what it says, reading it will motivate you right off the bat in the morning.
The Self-Thinspiration thing is still a work in progress, and I'll probably add more to it as time comes on and I come up with more ideas. If you guys wanna throw any ideas out there, just post it on my blog or email me (punkchick14@live.com).

Lots of ana love to you all!

Stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

dear diary...

since i havent been on much and a lot has been going on, here are some excerpts from my actual diary to let you all know what's been going down.

11/7/09
after being forced into a cheese tortellini dinner with lord knows how many calories and no chance of purging, i am angry. after going down to 155, i am now 159.5 because of my damn eating. fuck food. fuck hunger. i am so determined. i am going to win.


my goal: to lose as much weight as possible this week


my plan: half a small coffee in the morning or less before giving the rest away, OR a 20 cal monster OR tea; 3 diet pills before 2nd hour; one piece of leftover bite size halloween candy for every successful fasting day


my motto: let's raise some hell


11/10/09
the diet pills. it's a love/hate relationship. i hate them because by 7th hour i feel like i'm going to die, like something is inside my intestines ripping everything to pieces. but i love them because they help me lose. they are worth the pain.


every day fasting just gets easier and easier..


11/12/09
i told zack that i haven't eaten since saturday. minutes later, to my shock, he was calling me. we've never talked on the phone before. he asked me if i was at least drinking water. the concern and worry in his voice was making me want to cry. no one's ever cared like that. even my gf will just say "it's nothing to get upset about, you'll be fine, stop crying," when i'm upset. but zack? god... all i can say is that his voice during that call will be forever stuck in my head. the only thing i lied about was almost passing out this morning, because i didn't want to hurt him any more than i already had. he convinced me to eat something and i had a mini bag of pretzels, 50 cals, which would have been my fasting reward anyway. we both won. sort of.


he's to me like paul is to kat, if any of you read quest for perfection. even though there's no romantic interest involved in my case, he's the one person who knows, cares, keeps tabs on me, and who i absolutely cannot lie to. but i need to. everyone needs to think i'm losing the healthy way. the only thing he doesn't know about is the blog, that i am pro ana, that i am more determined than ever to make myself sick. beautifully, elegantly sick.


11/13/09
my fast is over, and i am down 6.5 lbs from when i started. i literally was jumping around my room this morning when i saw 153 on the scale.


i brought a baggie of cereal and ate it in front of zack in band first hour, because a college quintet had come to play and we all got to sit with our friends and listen. when zack sat down he asked how i was feeling, and i said good. i was grateful we were sitting in the very back, where i could eat my cereal without feeling 200 pairs of eyes searing into my fat back. zack seemed happy to see i was eating.


it was really odd though. every time i ate, i didn't feel like eating. i would take a few reluctant bites before giving or throwing the rest away. nothing tasted right. 


the really odd part? i was with my gf after school til 9. all i ate was a small salad. she didn't say a word.


11/17/09
every time i'm confronted with food, i cannot get my head in the game. i keep eating lunch, eating dinner, things i used to never do, because they were such easy meals to get out of. but then at night, i put myself through exercise hell, doing the following routine 5 times:


-20 crunches
-20 side leg raises, laying on right side and raising left leg about a foot

-15 push ups
-20 side leg raises, laying on left side and raising right leg about a foot

-20 leg lifts (lay on back, sit on hands, raise both legs with feet together about a foot off the ground)


i just keep doing it in cycles until my body caves. and even though i've been purging dinner every night, of the 3 lbs i gained saturday from eating (up to 156 now) i have only lost 1 (now at 155).


i hate this.


Today: it was an early release day and we got out at 12:35. i was planning on lying to my friends and saying i was eating lunch at home, and lying to my parents and saying i had eaten lunch at school. fool proof right? it would have been if it wasn't for my damn hunger. i ate nachos. WTF. then i freaked out. the class after lunch, i asked to go to the bathroom. luckily my teacher is very laid back and either didn't notice or didn't care how long it took me. the first bathroom i went to had people in it, so i left. i walked to a different part of the building and prayed that the second bathroom i tried would be empty. it was. i covered my red knuckle with my sleeve and went back to class with a smirk on my face.

then when i got to the car, my grandma was picking me up, and said she was taking me out to lunch. i went, i ate, i had a good time, and as soon as i came home i threw up. and threw up and threw up and threw up. until my stomach was so empty it tasted to foul to stand.

i feel so much more in control. purging makes me feel so light, so empty.

but at the same time, there is guilt. last night i told zack i hadn't purged at all that day (right before i went in the shower and purged up a soft pretzel). he told me if i went the rest of the week he would buy me a present.

then again, what's a few white lies compared to the glory of thin?


i'll be updating as much as possible through the month. next time i get a chance i have some interesting thoughts i jotted down about ana and religion. should spur some discussion, since none of you all ever comment :'(

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

another update

i'm going to have so much to say when i get back. so much shit is going down in regards to both my ED and other aspects of my life. i'm losing motivation. sure, i've been throwing up at least twice a day routinely. sure, i've been exercising the hell out of myself and freezing myself at night. but am i seeing results? no. i went up 4 lbs after one day of gluttony, and so far only one of them has come off.

i feel like shit. seeing 41 followers now on my page makes me want to get back in gear, back in the ana mindset, but i'm so tired. i need that fire, that angry, raging motivation. i need it back. i miss it.

ana love to you all

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

P.S.: if i've emailed any of you my number, feel free to text me any time. talking to another ana will probably help me out of my slump. and if you wanna become text or email buddies, shoot me an email at punkchick14@live.com

Saturday, November 14, 2009

yes, i'm still alive

sorry i've disappeared! i've been grounded from the computer cuz of my cell phone bill, still am, so i won't be on much til next month. i'm keeping a diary though, lots to say when i'm officially back! a big shout out to all my new followers, i can't believe i've gotten 19 more in the couple weeks i've been gone! i've been getting emails too about email/texting buddies. i prefer texting buddies because i always have my phone, but email buddies are welcome too as long as you keep in mind i can't check my email as often as my phone. lots of ana love to you all! stay strong!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox