these were my thoughts yesterday: "i will not eat. i will not eat. i will not eat. i will not... oh, we're going to mcdonald's?"
MCDONALD'S IS FOR FAT PEOPLE!!!! and oh, this is the best part... i ate it, not once, but TWICE. once at my girlfriend's, where i should have said i'd be eating at home, and once at home, where i should've said i'd already eaten. have i really strayed so far, have i really gone so far without fasting, that i can't resist the SAME FOOD for the SECOND TIME in ONE DAY?
furious with myself, i planned to water fast today, and to freeze myself. well that went to hell. i definately froze this morning; i was wearing shorts to marching band and i could see my breath in front of me. but... i binged. i had lunch with my girlfriend, like every wednesday, but i forgot about that. lunch came and she begged me to buy a soup and breadbowl so we could share, because she didn't have any lunch money. so i did. all those horrendous calories, fat, and carbs. fuck.
"well," i thought, "i did freeze myself pretty well this morning on top of marching-workout, and i'm not going to eat anything else today, so it'll all be okay."
when i got in the car, my grandma announced that we're going out to eat tonight. FML. thank god tonight's a shower night, i'll purge it all up when i get home. i'm looking forward to the release. but when i'm supposed to be fasting, i feel like it's cheating when i binge and purge. and i can't just get a salad because the dressing is so many calories and it's still not fasting and you can't throw up that stuff.
then again, maybe this is what i need. a really good, filling meal to satisfy that psychological hunger. after living off junk food, fast food and hotel food all weekend on my band trip, maybe this is exactly what i need. i'll fill up with good food, throw it up to relieve my stress (which is also probably contributing to this whole stupid "hungry" thing), and feel much better at my achievement. that "ha, if only you knew!", victorious, powerful feeling.
i look at these girls at school, and just like gaydar, i can tell who cuts, who's depressed, who has an ED and usually what kind. i can tell who's anorexic. and i envy them. i even saw a girl with a red beaded bracelet, so skinny she had space between her legs. i envy them. i idolize them. in the great social ladder of eating disorders in the pro-ana community, everyone knows that the anorexics are on top. realize, i am not just a "wannarexic," i definately have some kind of eating disorder, but like i read in the yummy secrets blog today, pro-anas oftentimes have the mindset "if i have to have an ED, i would rather be anorexic." this is exactly how i feel. if i'm going to be so fucked up inside, i'm gonna roll with it. if there always has to be something wrong with me, it might as well be something that'll somehow positively benefit me. and bottom line: i want to be thin, and if doing it the healthy way isn't working, what other choice do i have?
but why do i always make the same mistakes? the taste of food only lasts as long as you're eating it, and then lingers a few minutes after. right now, i'm sitting here looking down at my fat stomach and legs thinking, "those few minutes of taste are not worth all of this." it's really not worth it. why can't i say no? why am i so tempted to have just one bite, when i know that it'll only make me want to devour the whole thing? why can't i think about all those thinspo pictures i have in my secret drawer, all the diet pills i've wasted from gaining the weight back, all the hard work i've gone through that has gone to waste because of the exact situation i'm in at that moment, whenever i'm in front of food? that's what needs to change. instead of only thinking like ana when i'm not around food, i need to think like ana all the time.
i'm going to brainwash myself. punish myself. tomorrow it's supposed to be 30 degrees in the morning. i am going to wear shorts and a t-shirt. i am going to throw up dinner tonight and allow myself only water tomorrow. i am going to spend lunch in the library or bathroom the rest of this week. because i deserve the embarassment of knowing i spent lunch in the bathroom. because i deserve to freeze to death. because i deserve to deprive my taste buds of any pleasure for 24 hours. i deserve everything. i brought this upon myself. maybe after all the negative reinforcement i will finally learn: FOOD. IS. BAD.
stay strong, think thin, live ana