Monday, October 5, 2009

Sugarcane

"Baby ballerina's hiding somewhere in the corner,
where the shadow wraps around her and our torches cannot find her.
She will stay there 'til the morning, crawl behind us as we are yawning,
and she will leave our games to never be the same."

this song has been stuck in my head all weekend. it's like i'm trapped in that corner, waging this war against myself. every single morning i wake up and swear to myself. "what are we not going to do today? EAT." and every single day i break that promise. then i feel like shit about it. it seems like everything in my life is spinning away from me. i'm always feeling triggered. it's like life itself is pushing my buttons. i want to cut myself so badly. i spent a good chunk of last night trying to figure out where or how i could do it to where my girlfriend wouldn't see, or i could get away with the lie. there's no way. i might burn again tonight, just because the way i do it it doesn't leave a mark. i want to throw up too. i just want release. i'm terrible. everyone reading this, i'm sorry i've let you down. i thought writing a blog would really kick me into gear because i would have to tell everyone if i failed and let everyone down. what a big difference it fucking made. i love you all for reading, and commenting, and i will make it up to you. tomorrow will be an easy fast, if i just let myself fall. i'm standing on the edge, i'm ready to fall, with ana waiting at the bottom to catch me and take me again. i just want to feel something besides all this pain. and then fix the problem. come out from the shadows and get back to my routine, gain back that feeling of power and control, and that burst of joy when i see the reward for my efforts the next morning.

i've noticed a pattern. before i started cutting, i dressed really scene/emo. and now that i've girled it up to an older, feminine look, my eating disorder is taking over in self-injury's place. coincidence? maybe.

i'll freeze myself tonight. water fast tomorrow. liquid fast the rest of the week. i need to regain control. i haven't weighed myself in days. i don't even want to know.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

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