Monday, October 12, 2009

Purges and Plateaus

Well, ever since last week when I purged my dinner, I’ve been purging every day. It’s addictive. I befriended mia long before ana, so it’s a lot easier to fall into that trap. The thing is, I don’t want purging to take over me. Starvation is control. Binging and purging is losing control and fixing the mistake. Cheating. But lately, mia has been in complete control of me. I’ve thrown up so much lately that I’ve noticed my gag reflex isn’t as sensitive as it used to be, and this morning my gums started bleeding. Last night was particularly bad - while all the other purges have been cleansing myself of calories, last night was episodic.

I’d already thrown up that morning when I was surprised with a burger king breakfast promptly after rolling out of bed. It’s been getting easier every day, the throwing up thing. It used to be, I’d procrastinate a few minutes before I finally did it, and then I was fine. I’m the same way with taking showers. I piddle around getting undressed and checking my face and making mental notes in the mirror before I finally step under that warm waterfall. Now, when I throw up, it’s easy. Normal. Routine. Until last night anyway…

We went to long john silver’s for dinner. I ate fried everything, because I knew I was going to throw it all up anyway. When I got to my room, I’d just fixed up a plastic bag in my little trash can when mom passed by and told me to keep my door open.

I exploded.

I was raging. Storming around my room, desperate to get rid of the thousands of calories I’d just consumed. I’d almost given up when I decided, “Fuck it,” and closed my door. If the Wench complained, I’d tell her I was getting changed. I knew I had to be fast, so I just dove into it. And I was so angry, full of rage, full of all the stressors that have been consuming me for weeks. I’ll use three words to describe the episode: angry, violent, and rapidfire. I didn’t even pause between heaves to take a breath, just one right after the other until my stomach was empty.

Afterwards I was dizzy. My vision was blurred from my watery eyes. I felt out of control.

I am not going my eating disorder control me. The whole reason I turned to ana in the first place was to feel like I’d gained control. So no more routine purging. Am I still going to do it occasionally? Absolutely. But not to the point where I’m a full on bulimic again. A few days ago, I wanted to see blood. Because I’m always trying to push myself to the limits. Well, that’s the wrong limit to push. I want to push the numbers on the scale, down down down, until no one can ignore the new, skinny me.

Of course, that won’t happen if I can’t get over my FIRST PLATEAU. Fuck my life. I’ve never plateaued before. I’m always yo-yoing. I guess this is all part of my induction into ana. Just another obstacle that I have to get over. And I will get over it. By the end of this week, I hope to be 159.5, 4lbs under what I am now. It’s doable, especially with all the extra marching practices and performances (which is EXERCISE!) I have this week. Double that with some easy fasting thanks to my appetite-suppressing stress levels, and I’m all set.

The fall of that scale number is one of the few things that keeps me happy anymore. Along with all my supporters. I appreciate all of you guys that are reading my blog! And remember, I’m always looking for texting buddies. Email me at if you’re interested. You wouldn’t believe how much talking to a fellow ana helps me get by.

Stay strong, think thin, live ana

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