Wednesday, October 14, 2009

And She Falls Again....

i woke up determined not to eat. i planned out all my excuses. then at lunch it all went to hell. it turns out, when i thought i had the third lunch session today because of Pre-SAT testing, i had the first lunch with my gf. which means: i had to eat. i ate veggie soup. which hopefully didn't have much in it. still.

then i went to my gf's after school. she made quesadillas and insisted i eat one too.

fuck my life.

when i got home, i decided to make some velveeta mac n cheese for a little mia-fest, even though i probably didn't deserve it. i guess i was so pissed at myself for not purgeing all the other shit i put down my throat today that i needed to purge SOMETHING. i went to make a box to share with my little sis when my mom (the whale) pipes up from the living room, "you shouldn't eat that whole box. it's too many calories for just one person."

"i'm sharing with D," i snapped. "i'm not eating it all by myself. besides, it's dairy. calcium. and it's freezing in here. if you'd turn the heat up i wouldn't be craving so many carbs."

she shut up after that.

if only she fucking knew how much that little snide comment triggered me. i put butter and milk in it just to spite her. and when my little sister didn't finish her plate i ate that too. then i went in my room and up it all came until i could taste the quesadilla from hours earlier. all the time thinking, "i'll show you, you fat bitch."

ana's voice has been playing in my head, pleading to come back to her and stay. i've been reading a book called skinny, and it's really thinspiring me. the author's voice is so poetic, and the story and emotions portrayed are so real. i relate to giselle, the anorexic character, so much. she's under the pressure of getting high grades and a parent who doesn't love her. she doesn't just want to be thin, she wants to show the world how sick she is in her mind by making herself look sick on the outside, too.

i'm ruining myself. i'm ruining all my plans. screw eating. screw taste. screw what my gf thinks when i turn down a bite. i've had it. no more excuses. NO MORE EXCUSES.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

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