Wednesday, October 28, 2009

i don't know why i trust him so much

on the way back from a band trip over the weekend, i confided in z. me and him have talked about relationship stuff before, but never anything as deep as what i told him. i don't even know how we got on the subject, but it started with telling him how self concious i am. then how guilty i get over food. then that i used to be a really bad bulimic.

he was simply a concerned friend. a good friend. he didn't want to rat me out. he asked me if i still struggled with it and i told him yes. yesterday, i admitted to him that i threw up my grandma's homemade gooey buttercake. "i couldn't handle it," i said. "was the buttercake fully digested?" he asked. "no."

and i felt confident in telling z. he asked if i ate anything healthy to replenish myself, and i lied and said yes. (i had a couple sips of broccoli soup before trashing the rest, so it's not a total lie...) he made sure i was drinking water, offered to write me a workout routine, which he handed me today. a general workout, a core/chest workout, and a legs/arms workout. complete with his personal tips (which included, of course "eat 3 meals a day"), an inspirational quote, and a personal message from himself, advising me not to hurt myself and to come to him with any questions or concerns.

it's nice knowing he cares about me. it's nice to know that he won't tell my gf. it's nice to know that someone actually cares that i'm slowly destroying myself.

but it kills me to imagine the look on his face when all that is left of me is a brittle, beautiful shell.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Friday, October 23, 2009

thoughts

reading some blogs, i've noticed that a lot of my fellow anas i used to aspire to be, are now starting to abandon ana for good. if you're one of those girls reading this right now, i'm not angry with you, i'm not shunning you, i'm just... observing a trend. the thing is, i DON'T want to change, and i miss the support. i miss having those strong anas to look up to that i have now turned to books to find. i miss being able turn to an actual human being for advice when confronted with a sticky food situation. i miss talking to actual human being who follows the same lifestyle as me, who doesn't think that ana is a horrible, horrible disease. i miss the support.

however, i've noticed another trend. i've been getting a lot more followers and i wanna give a shoutout to you all. even if i don't subscribe back, i do check out your blogs now and then, and i really appreciate my fans!

well, here's my updates: i've been sick, which has made it harder to starve (because my body is craving the energy to fight off these stupid germs) and impossible to purge (sore throat + stomach acid = bad plan.). despite this, i've restricted enough this week (allowing myself only liquid calories to sooth my throat and veggies to fight the germs). this has been enough to lose a little, and after skipping lunch today i feel even lighter. who knows, maybe i'm finally back to the 150s! surely by sunday i will be. tonight i'm forced to eat at a big family dinner (which should be interesting considering my grandma and mom hate eachother atm), but tomorrow my marching competition is timed PERFECTLY to excuse me from eating the whole day.

my dad might be back on the night shift next week, meaning i won't be able to get online as often because i have no internet at home, meaning i won't be able to post as often. but i will get on whenever i can and update you all :)

wish me luck, girls!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, October 19, 2009

Dear Nikki,

THE FUCK is wrong with you? all this hard work, all these days of starvation and these nights shivering under your sheets with the fan on full blast above you, everything wasted. how many times have you beaten yourself senseless, telling yourself how stupid you are for eating? how many times have you lost all this weight only to gain it right back? you just keep making excuses. well i'm not taking any of your crap. don't try to bull shit me because i'll throw it all in your face. you're a coward. you're WEAK. i give you everything and you give me nothing back...

i'm sorry. i'm so hard on you. i made you throw up that one tiny cookie this morning in german class, even though it tasted so strongly of acid, even though you already have a cough and sore throat. i just see such a bright future for you, for us. i want you to make it, nikki, but you're running out of time. every day counts now, if you want to make it to your december goal. please, nikki, i'm begging you, just stop eating. just stop!

love, ana

Thursday, October 15, 2009

"scale, scale, on the floor, please be less than before..."

after having such bad luck throughout the day today, this mantra played through my head as soon as i got a chance to weigh in. after god knows how long of being stuck at that damn plateau, i am down two lbs since yesterday! this just showed me, proved to me, that all my hard work and self-deprivation really does make a difference. despite the plateau, every day stepping on the scale only to slap the same discouraging number in my face, i kept going. i was persistant. determined. and it all paid off. to make things even better, this was my weight after taking a shower, with the towel on my head. so i probably weigh even less. only the morning weigh in will tell...

i'm so happy right now. after so many things going wrong today, this completely turned things around. i can't help but just smile :)

i made my ana bracelet last night too! maybe it's good luck, considering that the day after i put it on i finally broke that plateau. it's adorable. i'll post a picture as soon as i can!

i'd also like to give a shoutout to my new texting buddy. you can check out her blog here: http://prozzy.blogspot.com/. we have a lot in common and i'm looking forward to talking more! remember, i'm always looking for new buddies :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

And She Falls Again....

i woke up determined not to eat. i planned out all my excuses. then at lunch it all went to hell. it turns out, when i thought i had the third lunch session today because of Pre-SAT testing, i had the first lunch with my gf. which means: i had to eat. i ate veggie soup. which hopefully didn't have much in it. still.

then i went to my gf's after school. she made quesadillas and insisted i eat one too.

fuck my life.

when i got home, i decided to make some velveeta mac n cheese for a little mia-fest, even though i probably didn't deserve it. i guess i was so pissed at myself for not purgeing all the other shit i put down my throat today that i needed to purge SOMETHING. i went to make a box to share with my little sis when my mom (the whale) pipes up from the living room, "you shouldn't eat that whole box. it's too many calories for just one person."

"i'm sharing with D," i snapped. "i'm not eating it all by myself. besides, it's dairy. calcium. and it's freezing in here. if you'd turn the heat up i wouldn't be craving so many carbs."

she shut up after that.

if only she fucking knew how much that little snide comment triggered me. i put butter and milk in it just to spite her. and when my little sister didn't finish her plate i ate that too. then i went in my room and up it all came until i could taste the quesadilla from hours earlier. all the time thinking, "i'll show you, you fat bitch."

ana's voice has been playing in my head, pleading to come back to her and stay. i've been reading a book called skinny, and it's really thinspiring me. the author's voice is so poetic, and the story and emotions portrayed are so real. i relate to giselle, the anorexic character, so much. she's under the pressure of getting high grades and a parent who doesn't love her. she doesn't just want to be thin, she wants to show the world how sick she is in her mind by making herself look sick on the outside, too.

i'm ruining myself. i'm ruining all my plans. screw eating. screw taste. screw what my gf thinks when i turn down a bite. i've had it. no more excuses. NO MORE EXCUSES.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Back to Fasting

i forgot how good fasting feels. that invincible, light feeling. that little smile that creeps on my face when i stand up too fast and i know why the ground is spinning. my stomach was screaming in the morning, "give me coffee! give me a poptarts! please, i'm begging you, just give me something!" but i denied every request, and by the afternoon it had given up. my friend m who forces half her lunch on me every day just got suspended for up to 50 days so lunch will be a breeze now. there's a lot less obstacles in my way now, and i'm taking full advantage of it.

today's intake was water, gum, and tea. total calories: less than five. i'd call that a successful day.

i didn't get a chance to weigh myself before i took a shower, but with all the water i was at 164, so i'm at least a pound under that. maybe more, since the towel was still on my head.

i'm going to fast through friday, when i'm going to my girlfriend's house. and even then i'm going to test myself and see how little i can eat. saturday is a marching competition where my only food options are concession stand junk, so i'll probably try to avoid eating at all. fake a stomach ache. sunday, i'll allow myself 500 healthy calories to boost my metabolism before the fasting cycle starts again on monday.

wish me luck, guys! i really feel like i'm gonna make it!

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, October 12, 2009

Purges and Plateaus

Well, ever since last week when I purged my dinner, I’ve been purging every day. It’s addictive. I befriended mia long before ana, so it’s a lot easier to fall into that trap. The thing is, I don’t want purging to take over me. Starvation is control. Binging and purging is losing control and fixing the mistake. Cheating. But lately, mia has been in complete control of me. I’ve thrown up so much lately that I’ve noticed my gag reflex isn’t as sensitive as it used to be, and this morning my gums started bleeding. Last night was particularly bad - while all the other purges have been cleansing myself of calories, last night was episodic.

I’d already thrown up that morning when I was surprised with a burger king breakfast promptly after rolling out of bed. It’s been getting easier every day, the throwing up thing. It used to be, I’d procrastinate a few minutes before I finally did it, and then I was fine. I’m the same way with taking showers. I piddle around getting undressed and checking my face and making mental notes in the mirror before I finally step under that warm waterfall. Now, when I throw up, it’s easy. Normal. Routine. Until last night anyway…

We went to long john silver’s for dinner. I ate fried everything, because I knew I was going to throw it all up anyway. When I got to my room, I’d just fixed up a plastic bag in my little trash can when mom passed by and told me to keep my door open.

I exploded.

I was raging. Storming around my room, desperate to get rid of the thousands of calories I’d just consumed. I’d almost given up when I decided, “Fuck it,” and closed my door. If the Wench complained, I’d tell her I was getting changed. I knew I had to be fast, so I just dove into it. And I was so angry, full of rage, full of all the stressors that have been consuming me for weeks. I’ll use three words to describe the episode: angry, violent, and rapidfire. I didn’t even pause between heaves to take a breath, just one right after the other until my stomach was empty.

Afterwards I was dizzy. My vision was blurred from my watery eyes. I felt out of control.

I am not going my eating disorder control me. The whole reason I turned to ana in the first place was to feel like I’d gained control. So no more routine purging. Am I still going to do it occasionally? Absolutely. But not to the point where I’m a full on bulimic again. A few days ago, I wanted to see blood. Because I’m always trying to push myself to the limits. Well, that’s the wrong limit to push. I want to push the numbers on the scale, down down down, until no one can ignore the new, skinny me.

Of course, that won’t happen if I can’t get over my FIRST PLATEAU. Fuck my life. I’ve never plateaued before. I’m always yo-yoing. I guess this is all part of my induction into ana. Just another obstacle that I have to get over. And I will get over it. By the end of this week, I hope to be 159.5, 4lbs under what I am now. It’s doable, especially with all the extra marching practices and performances (which is EXERCISE!) I have this week. Double that with some easy fasting thanks to my appetite-suppressing stress levels, and I’m all set.

The fall of that scale number is one of the few things that keeps me happy anymore. Along with all my supporters. I appreciate all of you guys that are reading my blog! And remember, I’m always looking for texting buddies. Email me at punkchick14@live.com if you’re interested. You wouldn’t believe how much talking to a fellow ana helps me get by.

Stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Running on Empty

remember that song i posted a while back? it's been stuck in my head all day today. it's so empowering. maybe i'll start a myspace music account just for all my ana music, to thinspire you all :)

the whole song's about keeping ana your empowering little secret, letting everyone watch you disappear without having a clue what's going on. it's about the power of the secrecy that comes with ana. it's pro-ana, specifically, because it specifically mentions not wanting help. "i'm running on empty, let me disappear, let everybody see me now, i don't need saving, i don't need you."

well i'm running on empty. and i fucking love it.

i forgot how much i enjoyed fasting, the powerful feeling i get when i say no, that wonderful sensation of lightheadedness, the light feeling of an empty stomach. it's like a drug to me. and i just want more more more.

wish me luck, ladies. :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Back in Full Swing

this'll be a quickie, but i don't know when i'll be able to post again so i just thought i'd let you all know that the darkness has lifted! after all that bingeing, i weighed 165.5 right after a shower, which means after the water leaves i'll weigh less in the morning, and still have time to make it down to my weekly goal weight with a two-day water fast tomorrow and thursday. what happened to boost my spirit? i purged. in a public bathroom. in a restaurant. and came back to the table with my knuckle glaring red, my eyes still watery, and a smile on my face. crisis averted, storm cleared: ladies, i am BACK! :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

why do i always make the same mistakes?

these were my thoughts yesterday: "i will not eat. i will not eat. i will not eat. i will not... oh, we're going to mcdonald's?"

MCDONALD'S IS FOR FAT PEOPLE!!!! and oh, this is the best part... i ate it, not once, but TWICE. once at my girlfriend's, where i should have said i'd be eating at home, and once at home, where i should've said i'd already eaten. have i really strayed so far, have i really gone so far without fasting, that i can't resist the SAME FOOD for the SECOND TIME in ONE DAY?

furious with myself, i planned to water fast today, and to freeze myself. well that went to hell. i definately froze this morning; i was wearing shorts to marching band and i could see my breath in front of me. but... i binged. i had lunch with my girlfriend, like every wednesday, but i forgot about that. lunch came and she begged me to buy a soup and breadbowl so we could share, because she didn't have any lunch money. so i did. all those horrendous calories, fat, and carbs. fuck.

"well," i thought, "i did freeze myself pretty well this morning on top of marching-workout, and i'm not going to eat anything else today, so it'll all be okay."

when i got in the car, my grandma announced that we're going out to eat tonight. FML. thank god tonight's a shower night, i'll purge it all up when i get home. i'm looking forward to the release. but when i'm supposed to be fasting, i feel like it's cheating when i binge and purge. and i can't just get a salad because the dressing is so many calories and it's still not fasting and you can't throw up that stuff.

then again, maybe this is what i need. a really good, filling meal to satisfy that psychological hunger. after living off junk food, fast food and hotel food all weekend on my band trip, maybe this is exactly what i need. i'll fill up with good food, throw it up to relieve my stress (which is also probably contributing to this whole stupid "hungry" thing), and feel much better at my achievement. that "ha, if only you knew!", victorious, powerful feeling.

i look at these girls at school, and just like gaydar, i can tell who cuts, who's depressed, who has an ED and usually what kind. i can tell who's anorexic. and i envy them. i even saw a girl with a red beaded bracelet, so skinny she had space between her legs. i envy them. i idolize them. in the great social ladder of eating disorders in the pro-ana community, everyone knows that the anorexics are on top. realize, i am not just a "wannarexic," i definately have some kind of eating disorder, but like i read in the yummy secrets blog today, pro-anas oftentimes have the mindset "if i have to have an ED, i would rather be anorexic." this is exactly how i feel. if i'm going to be so fucked up inside, i'm gonna roll with it. if there always has to be something wrong with me, it might as well be something that'll somehow positively benefit me. and bottom line: i want to be thin, and if doing it the healthy way isn't working, what other choice do i have?

but why do i always make the same mistakes? the taste of food only lasts as long as you're eating it, and then lingers a few minutes after. right now, i'm sitting here looking down at my fat stomach and legs thinking, "those few minutes of taste are not worth all of this." it's really not worth it. why can't i say no? why am i so tempted to have just one bite, when i know that it'll only make me want to devour the whole thing? why can't i think about all those thinspo pictures i have in my secret drawer, all the diet pills i've wasted from gaining the weight back, all the hard work i've gone through that has gone to waste because of the exact situation i'm in at that moment, whenever i'm in front of food? that's what needs to change. instead of only thinking like ana when i'm not around food, i need to think like ana all the time.

i'm going to brainwash myself. punish myself. tomorrow it's supposed to be 30 degrees in the morning. i am going to wear shorts and a t-shirt. i am going to throw up dinner tonight and allow myself only water tomorrow. i am going to spend lunch in the library or bathroom the rest of this week. because i deserve the embarassment of knowing i spent lunch in the bathroom. because i deserve to freeze to death. because i deserve to deprive my taste buds of any pleasure for 24 hours. i deserve everything. i brought this upon myself. maybe after all the negative reinforcement i will finally learn: FOOD. IS. BAD.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, October 5, 2009

Sugarcane

"Baby ballerina's hiding somewhere in the corner,
where the shadow wraps around her and our torches cannot find her.
She will stay there 'til the morning, crawl behind us as we are yawning,
and she will leave our games to never be the same."

this song has been stuck in my head all weekend. it's like i'm trapped in that corner, waging this war against myself. every single morning i wake up and swear to myself. "what are we not going to do today? EAT." and every single day i break that promise. then i feel like shit about it. it seems like everything in my life is spinning away from me. i'm always feeling triggered. it's like life itself is pushing my buttons. i want to cut myself so badly. i spent a good chunk of last night trying to figure out where or how i could do it to where my girlfriend wouldn't see, or i could get away with the lie. there's no way. i might burn again tonight, just because the way i do it it doesn't leave a mark. i want to throw up too. i just want release. i'm terrible. everyone reading this, i'm sorry i've let you down. i thought writing a blog would really kick me into gear because i would have to tell everyone if i failed and let everyone down. what a big difference it fucking made. i love you all for reading, and commenting, and i will make it up to you. tomorrow will be an easy fast, if i just let myself fall. i'm standing on the edge, i'm ready to fall, with ana waiting at the bottom to catch me and take me again. i just want to feel something besides all this pain. and then fix the problem. come out from the shadows and get back to my routine, gain back that feeling of power and control, and that burst of joy when i see the reward for my efforts the next morning.

i've noticed a pattern. before i started cutting, i dressed really scene/emo. and now that i've girled it up to an older, feminine look, my eating disorder is taking over in self-injury's place. coincidence? maybe.

i'll freeze myself tonight. water fast tomorrow. liquid fast the rest of the week. i need to regain control. i haven't weighed myself in days. i don't even want to know.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Psychology of Starvation

as my AP psych class has been going on through the school year, i've noticed a lot of aspects of it that relate to ana, explaining hunger and other aspects that challenge us, or explaining why we do the things we do. because that's psychology: the scientific study of human behavior and mental processes. ana is ALL ABOUT behaviors and mental processes. so i've compiled a little essay with my findings, after doing a little research out of the textbook...

"The Psychology of Starvation"

Introduction

It's a cold winter in Poland, 1942. Inside of Auschwitz, a boy's father has just been killed. This murder was not committed by a Nazi, but in fact by his own son. The cause: a single piece of bread hidden under the man's pillow. In these camps, where food was scarce and many starved to death, people fought like wild dogs over the smallest morsel. Without thought of the emotional consequences, they would do anything for food. We become, simply, desperate. Whether forced or self-inflicted, the psychology of starvation is relatively universal.

But what makes us hungry? What makes us crave? How, exactly, is appetite spurred? And, more importantly, how can we manipulate these processes to work in our favor in the quest for perfection?

Scientific studies have proven that the female neuron is more capable of surviving starvation. Perhaps this helps explain why so many more females starve themselves and have eating disorders than males, along with social and cultural gender/appearance expectations. So why not take advantage of this, ladies? If we can make it, why not do it?

Biology

Several biological factors contribute to hunger and appetite, including many in the brain. One of the most important components of the Limbic System in the brain is the hypothalamus. Located just below (hypo) the thalamus, the hypothalamus is controls autonomic functions such as heartbeat and breathing, and is involved in emotion, sleep, and, most importantly, appetite. It controls all of our drives, including our drive to eat. There's not much of a way to get around this drive, but, unlike heartbeat, the drive to eat can be ignored with a little willpower.

Several hormones also play roles in appetite. Some increase appetite: insulin comes from the pancreas and regulates blood glucose levels; orexin is produced by the hypothalamus, which enduces appetite; ghrelin is produced by your empty stomach, telling your brain to eat. To regulate blood sugar levels, stay away from artificial sweeteners (the chemicals tell your brain to absorb more fat, anyway!) and use natural sugars. Natural sugars are healthier than table sugar and have less disastrous impact on your waistline. Eat sweet fruits like apples to boost your blood glucose levels and reduce appetite. To fill your stomach and keep it from producing more ghrelin, DRINK WATER! Just like in the Cannon-Washburn Experiment, in which Washburnaair and feel no hunger, water works the same way. Just fill your stomach; it doesn't matter what you fill it with.

Psychology

Food is a choice. Every human has the universal drive to eat, because in the long run we need calories to survive. But we choose when to eat, how much, what to eat. It's all in the mind. Some things we cannot help, but many things we can control.

One of the most simple and dominant psychological factors in desire to eat is when food draws our attention. The sight or smell of food hits our sensory receptors, causing neurons to fire and getting our brain to start thinking about food, imagining the taste, and eventually wanting it.

The power of suggestion is also very powerful. Commercials take advantage of this to the fullest extent, displaying the food, showing people eating the food, talking about the food, etc. After seeing a PopTart commercial, even if we weren't hungry before, we want one. Seeing others eating also demonstrates the power of suggestion. Just like some people want to smoke a cigarrette if others around them are smoking, even if they've just put one out, we feel hungry when we see other people eat. The solution to the Power of Suggestion: stay away. Skip commercials when you have conrtol of the remote, or distract yourself when you're watching TV with others by finding something else to occupy yourself with or finding an excuse to leave the room. Avoid situations where other people are eating. Skip lunch to go to the library, or, if you need a pass like at many schools to go to the library for lunch, sit in a bathroom stall during lunch. And remember that the power of suggestion also works in our favor, such as looking at thinspo and reading thinspo quotes.

There is also a universal attraction to sweet and salty. Have you noticed that most of your cravings fall under one of these categories? Think about amusement parks and movie theaters. What kinds of foods do they sell? Popcorn, ice cream, pretzels, chips, candy... all the sweets and salts. You really want to avoid placing yourself around these foods. If you really feel a craving coming on, try 100 Calorie Smartpop bags by Orville Redenbacher for salt cravings, and kiwi fruit or a single bite of candy (such as a single Starburst or Jolly Rancher) for sweet cravings.

We also feel hungry according to our routine. If we normally eat breakfast before school, lunch at noon, snack after school and dinner at five, we become hungry around these times. If we keep these times sporadic, we don't have a regular time to become hungry.

One last tidbit: blue is said to be an appetite suppressant, because so few blue foods exist in nature. So if you're thinking about redecorating your room, consider adding blue to the color scheme.

Conclusion

Always remember: our stomach controls short-term hunger, and our brain controls long-term hunger. Because of our brains plasticity (ability to adapt), both can be manipulated into full-on starvation mode. Our stomachs become accustomed to a fast in a matter of days, and as we fast more frequently our brain reduces the feeling of hunger. Hunger is all about science. There are ways to manipulate it, change it, and control it. Food, on the other hand, is always a choice. It's not the endurance of starvation that causes us to fail during a fast, but the inability to make the right choice. It's always a choice. And those who choose to say "No," to food, are saying "Yes," to thin.