Saturday, September 5, 2009

triumphs and failures

first off, i wanna give a major shout out to my ana text-buddy Kat. with her, i successfully completed a 3 day fast and lost about 4 lbs. unfortunately, a major ordeal with my "mom" (to be from now on known as The Wench) on thursday made me break down. i was so angry that i took it out on my body. i knew exactly what i was doing. i was ruining all my progress. i was sabotaging myself. i was letting down kat (we were supposed to be starting the 02468 diet together)((i'm sorry kat!!! :,[ )). but the Wench just makes me feel so horrible about myself that i feel as if i deserve punishment, even when i've done nothing wrong. well, now that i've gained back 3 pounds of all my hard work, i'm really punishing myself. with a 7 day liquid fast. no excuses whatsoever. then i'll get back on track with kat for 02468. by the way, has anyone else ever tried this diet, or the 2468? does it work well?

it's a long story with the wench. we have quite a history. she's the reason i cut myself. so, from that, you can assume that her words have a pretty big effect on my head. maybe i'll vent more about that later, but it's not really relevant to ana.

but, hopefully, tomorrow i'll get to escape to my girlfriend's house. time with her, a little weed, and at night she's throwing a party and i'm getting absolutely wasted. there's no food at her house so i won't be able to eat anyway. and if she does get food, i'll say i haven't been feeling well, which, to be honest, i haven't, because my fucked up digestive system has been overloaded with too much food. one of the perks of having a gf who's fam is poor: no food.

i really just want a kick in the face. i want someone to just scream at me "NIKKI! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU ARE FAT!! STOP. FUCKING. EATING!" i want to be scolded. lectured. yelled at. someone just kick my ass back in line. enough with the niceness, the "oh, you're not fat, nikki" "oh, you have cute chunk, nikki." how the fuck can "chunk" and "cute" go together? it is against all my logic. i want there to be no middle ground, no gray area, when ppl look at me. i want ppl to see me and think, "oh my god, look at her! she's so thin!" because in my mind, you're fat, you're thin, or you're really thin. i think 110 lbs would suit me well. i have so many daydreams about being thin. i can picture it in my mind. honestly, i think i would look pretty hot once i'm thin. once i'm thin, once i'm thin... every single dream begins with that. i feel like i can't do anything because i'm "the fat girl." i hate it. i hate feeling like that's how everyone sees me as "the fat girl who ___." i'm done. i'm so angry with myself. 7 day fast. that should get me back in line.

wish me luck on my 7 day punishment. hopefully you guys haven't fucked up as bad as me. hopefully by the end of this fast i'll be in the 150s. just ten pounds away from the Point of No Return. still want more text buddies, if anyone's interested...

stay strong, think thin, live ana

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