Monday, September 28, 2009

a lot on my plate

i cheated on my girlfriend. there. i said it.

we were in an open relationship when things started with b. she's confused and wanted to kiss me to figure out if she's into girls. well, before i got a chance to kiss b, my gf kissed someone else and hated it, and called the whole open relationship thing off. but... i still wanted to kiss b. and on friday when we were hanging out, i did. we kissed and then made out twice. and i kinda wanna do it again... i'm a horrible person and a bitch. it's not that i have feelings for b, or my feelings for my gf are any different, i just like the rush, the game, the fun. i don't know how to explain it...

on top of this, family drama. my mom is a psychotic bipolar pregnant cunt. i'll leave it at that.

then, friend drama. e and g used to be my best friends, we were this tight-knit little trio. now it's like i don't even know them anymore. e gets on my nerves like no other. they lecture me for my fucked up relationship and the smoking/weed/partying. and when i was crying my eyes out over a fight with my gf on friday at the football game g pretty much ditched me to hang out with other ppl.

school is hell. i have so much homework i barely have time to shower. i get so overwhelmed that my brain just shuts down and i can't concentrate on anything. a B on my report card might as well be an F. it's not good enough. Bs don't get you into college. As do. i need all As. i need perfection.

all this stress is only encouraging my eating disorder. i'm back to restricting, minimal eating. and freezing myself at night. tomorrow i'm starting a liquid fast til friday. each day i'll allow myself 200 cals of liquid, as necessary. it's FREEZING in the mornings so a cup of tea will be nice, plus the occasional coffee or energy drink to keep me from passing out in the middle of class (i have to leave my house at 5 to get to school in time for marching band). green tea is supposed to help you lose weight anyway. friday is the band trip, two nights in oklahoma. and on the bus ride down to overnights ppl ALWAYS bring a shit load of food to pig out on. well i'm bringing my own. a bag of that 100 cal popcorn and fruits and healthy munchies. if i have my own food, i'll be less inclined to take more than "just one bite" of someone else's fatty shit.

i decided i need to set a longer term goal to look forward to along with all my smaller goals. there are 12 weeks until my birthday. if i keep up with 3 lbs a week, that means i can lose 36 lbs by then. and 3 isn't very much considering how much i've previously lost in a week through my methods, so i might even lose even more. still, if i lose 36 lbs by december 16, i can be down to 129 lbs, in a healthy weight range for the first time in years. i could be past that 130 mark for my sweet sixteen. what a nice little birthday present to myself. i'm keeping this goal in mind. 129 by 12/16. i want it soooooooo bad. please wish me luck, this week and from now on. i'm gonna need it. i'm so fizzled out from everything else that i can't concentrate on ana, instead i just float through the motions and fast when it's convienient. to hell with convenience. i want THIN.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

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