Wednesday, September 30, 2009

a quickie

i'm down 1 lb since monday. thank god. a little is better than nothing, and i only need another 2 this week to meet the goal.

the liquid fasting is perfect for me. i get a double-shot starbucks drink from the gas station that's 200 cals per can; i'm allowing myself two of these a week. and that's it for the day. it tides me over through school because the caffeine demolishes my appetite. it's after school thats gotten so damn hard. i feel a purge coming on soon. lord knows i need the release.

i'm working on something interesting to post tomorrow, so that's why this is short. not much else to say, really. my long-term goal approach is working tho. just a mantra of numbers in my head: "129, 12-16." weight and date, over and over, everytime i even think about food. i convinced myself out of a soup and breadbowl (only available to me on wednesdays cuz of wacky scheduling at my school) today, just by thinking it. over and over. over and over...

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Monday, September 28, 2009

a lot on my plate

i cheated on my girlfriend. there. i said it.

we were in an open relationship when things started with b. she's confused and wanted to kiss me to figure out if she's into girls. well, before i got a chance to kiss b, my gf kissed someone else and hated it, and called the whole open relationship thing off. but... i still wanted to kiss b. and on friday when we were hanging out, i did. we kissed and then made out twice. and i kinda wanna do it again... i'm a horrible person and a bitch. it's not that i have feelings for b, or my feelings for my gf are any different, i just like the rush, the game, the fun. i don't know how to explain it...

on top of this, family drama. my mom is a psychotic bipolar pregnant cunt. i'll leave it at that.

then, friend drama. e and g used to be my best friends, we were this tight-knit little trio. now it's like i don't even know them anymore. e gets on my nerves like no other. they lecture me for my fucked up relationship and the smoking/weed/partying. and when i was crying my eyes out over a fight with my gf on friday at the football game g pretty much ditched me to hang out with other ppl.

school is hell. i have so much homework i barely have time to shower. i get so overwhelmed that my brain just shuts down and i can't concentrate on anything. a B on my report card might as well be an F. it's not good enough. Bs don't get you into college. As do. i need all As. i need perfection.

all this stress is only encouraging my eating disorder. i'm back to restricting, minimal eating. and freezing myself at night. tomorrow i'm starting a liquid fast til friday. each day i'll allow myself 200 cals of liquid, as necessary. it's FREEZING in the mornings so a cup of tea will be nice, plus the occasional coffee or energy drink to keep me from passing out in the middle of class (i have to leave my house at 5 to get to school in time for marching band). green tea is supposed to help you lose weight anyway. friday is the band trip, two nights in oklahoma. and on the bus ride down to overnights ppl ALWAYS bring a shit load of food to pig out on. well i'm bringing my own. a bag of that 100 cal popcorn and fruits and healthy munchies. if i have my own food, i'll be less inclined to take more than "just one bite" of someone else's fatty shit.

i decided i need to set a longer term goal to look forward to along with all my smaller goals. there are 12 weeks until my birthday. if i keep up with 3 lbs a week, that means i can lose 36 lbs by then. and 3 isn't very much considering how much i've previously lost in a week through my methods, so i might even lose even more. still, if i lose 36 lbs by december 16, i can be down to 129 lbs, in a healthy weight range for the first time in years. i could be past that 130 mark for my sweet sixteen. what a nice little birthday present to myself. i'm keeping this goal in mind. 129 by 12/16. i want it soooooooo bad. please wish me luck, this week and from now on. i'm gonna need it. i'm so fizzled out from everything else that i can't concentrate on ana, instead i just float through the motions and fast when it's convienient. to hell with convenience. i want THIN.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

hello again

well, the dance is saturday. i'm back up to 163. fuck. i always wake up in the morning thinking to myself, "ok, today is it, i'm not going to eat." and then i fuck it up. i want to kick myself in the face. well, today's really it. there's no getting out of dinner tonight but tomorrow and friday are going to be NO EXCUSE water fast days. saturday, i'll only eat dinner before the dance. sunday, fast. i PRAY this'll get me back down to the 150s. the only good side to all of this is that my metabolism will be back up and a little fasting will be a lot more effective. can i lose 4lbs by monday? let's hope.

a new trick: freeze yourself. as twisted as that sounds, taking cold showers and leaving your fan on at night sleeping in a cami and shorts makes a WORLD of difference. i've done it in the past and it really speeds things along. also drink ice water a lot. no calories, and it makes you cold. the reason this works is that your body burns calories keeping your temperature stable. what's a little discomfort compared to the wonderful feeling of thin?

where the hell did all my side boxes go? i'll get as much as i can done today but i don't have the playlists. my computer broken, which has my ana iTunes playlist on it. >sigh<. ah well. i'll get as much back up today as i can.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Thursday, September 17, 2009

quick update

once again i'm sneaking on the computer, but i can't be on as long so this entry will be short. like magic, i went from 163 as my mornging weight to... 159!!! i finally broke the 160 mark! i'm sticking to my plan for the weekend, then i'm back to fasting on monday. i was so scared when i saw the scale this morning that i'd hit a plateau, but by 3:30... voila!

this just motivates me even more. i'm so ready for this. working on a new ana song too, lyrics to be posted soon. :)

by the way, is my computer messed up or did all my side boxes like my stats, Ana Playlist, and links lists disappear?

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

stuck here...

i'm bloated and i fucking hate it. i don't know what to do. i've only lost 1.5 lbs so far on this fast and it's the third fucking day. i bet if my bloating went down i'd drop another two at least. i took 4 laxatives at 1pm, double the recommended dose, and it hasn't done anything that i've noticed. i'm still bloated. i still feel like i need to cleanse my body. hence, tomorrow is a water fast.

i'm on the 3rd day of my four day fast and finally i've had a day where i haven't eaten a THING. tomorrow is a water fast to tie everything up, then i'll eat around 800 cals friday to boost my metabolism, then have a "minimal-eating" weekend, basically anything besides sugar, fat, and carbs: fruits, veggies, soy milk, low-fat cheese, some protein and fiber. sounds like a lot, but these are just my options. i'll average around 400 to 500 cals a day. besides, with a marching competition saturday i HAVE to eat, otherwise it's just being stupid and asking for trouble, and sunday i'm hanging out with the gf, which also forces me to eat a little.

i'm such a little sneak. i keep just bringing food into my room, chew and spit a bite, then throw the rest away. my parents see me bring food in my room which makes them think i'm eating, that one chew-spit bite keeps my taste buds satisfied, and i ingest virtually no calories. it works out pretty well for me. like i keep saying, going without food is getting easier and easier. the only problem is lunch, where all the temptations are right in front of me, and i can't really refuse a bite when my excuse for not getting my own lunch is that i have no money for it. i'm going to start skipping that a lot. chill out in the library and get some homework done. much better use of my time than getting fat.

hopefully this bloating is either a result of the fast or it'll go away in a couple days if i get my "monthly gift." i can't tell which is causing it because my periods are so sporatic. i don't care so long as it goes away...

even though i'm bloating, i KNOW i'm losing fat underneath all this water weight. i've finally gotten back that fuzzy feeling in my head whenever i stand up from sitting, that euphoria that comes along with it all. a few aches in my joints have also sprung up, but it'll all be worth it 50lbs down the road when i finally reach my ultimate goal of 110lbs.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Monday, September 14, 2009

it just keeps getting better...

heh heh heh i'm a little sneak... my grandma has this scale under the bed in the guest bedroom/computer room that she never uses. slipped it into my backpack, she'll never know it's gone. so now i don't have to sneak in my mom's bathroom all the way at the end of the day. i can step on the scale in my own room and see my morning weight, my true weight. 'course switching scales, this one might say i weigh more than the other one does, but in the long run this is a lot better, being able to weigh in whenever i want.

i haven't gotten to weigh in today, as i haven't been home just and just got my new scale ten minutes ago, but i'm pretty sure i'm down. i just feel it. i have a gut feeling that i'm lighter. and i love it.

i'm not even hungry. fasting has gotten SO easy. i didn't even binge much this weekend, saturday we went out to lunch but that was all i had, and i ate pretty light yesterday at my gf's house cuz she's sick and was hardly hungry. i ate just enough to perk up my metabolism enough for this next fast to be effective.

my ana buddy kat and i are doing a 4-day fast this week rather than our usual 3-day streaks, starting today. i'm pumped. my size 13 jeans are hanging on my closet door, just waiting to slide over my hips... i'm so close to the 150s, so close to the 140s. i really feel like i can make it this time. it's all become so routine, so easy. easy to lie, easy to hide...

the goal is to be in the 140s by next weekend, just in time for the dance. that requires me to lose a little over 10 lbs in two weeks. i'm gonna start jogging again to speed my weight loss along. i think if i wouldn't have gotten so off track before i would be that low already, maybe even lower. but that was the past and this is now. i'm just not going to let myself have any repeats. no falters this time. i'm in it to win it. i want to be thin.

wish me and kat luck! not sure how often i'll get to blog this week, maybe one more update on wednesday but i'm not sure after that...

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Saturday, September 12, 2009

new layout!

i looked up blogger layouts on google, found this site called PYZAM, and then found the perfect layout. i absolutely love this! especially the fact that the letter ends with a line about withering away. how perfect is that?

just thought i'd throw that out there. oh, and i added a couple links to the Ana Playlist. they're loose ana, but they thinspire me, so check them out! added a few blogs to Ana Blogs too. enjoy!

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Extreme Weight Loss Experiment Takes Heavy Toll

A new BBC America documentary looks at the cost of extreme weight loss, that "supermodel thin" look that too many women think they want.

In the film, called "Super Skinny Me," two average-size British journalists, Louise Burke and Kate Spicer, agree to a radical experiment -- drop five dress sizes in just five weeks. The goal was to show the drastic and sometimes deadly lengths women will go to just to be thin.

The documentary, "Super Skinny Me," premiers this Sunday at 10 p.m. on BBC America.
Burke, 29, weighed 129 pounds, and had never before tried to lose weight. She turned to magazines for the latest fad diets. One week she drank only protein shakes, another week she ate no carbs -- a week Burke painfully recalled.

"I was just eating watercress soup all day, every day," Burke said.

"My breath smells like soup according to my boyfriend," she said in the movie.

Weighing in at just under 144 pounds, 37-year-old Spicer said she wanted to understand why women go to such extremes to lose weight.

"I believe in journalism," Spicer said. "The best ways to understand something is to become it.''

Spicer followed a radical diet of lemonade with maple syrup and cayenne pepper. She stayed away from solid foods and ran for an hour a day.

Meanwhile, Burke, who began working out with a trainer two hours a day, tried another extreme weight loss tactic.

"Apparently if you swim in freezing cold water it speeds up your metabolism," she said.

Depression, Bingeing and Purging

In just one week, though, both women saw dramatic results. But the experiment began to take a drastic physical toll.

In the film, Burke described how she had "pins and needles sensation" while lying in bed and how her fingernails turned blue.

She also said she became less productive at work and stopped spending time with her boyfriend.

"My physical appearance, I mean, my ribs. My dad when he hugged me once, he was like, 'Oh my God! I can feel your hip bone and your rib cage,''' Burke said.

Spicer, too, spiraled downward. A dinner out with friends led to bingeing.

"I can't stop eating," Spicer said in the movie. "I don't know if all that hunger has made me eat all of this food in a strange anxious way but it's not right.''

And as she became more obsessed with weight loss, Spicer's binges gave way to purging. Her doctor tells her she will become bulimic if she continues that way.

Spicer was advised to drop out of the experiment a week early, but only after losing a frightening 17 pounds. By the end, she went from a healthy size 12 to a scary size 6.

''Basically I proved that not eating enough makes you go mental," Spicer said.

Burke also said losing that much weight so quickly "sent me into depression really, and I've never been like that before, ever!"

Burke lost 14 pounds over five weeks. Her family and friends were shocked when she could fit into a 6-year-old girl's size zero jeans.

But she was ready to get back to eating real food.

"My boyfriend bought me a massive chocolate cake and I was like, scooping it, clawing it off the tray," she said.

Both women have sworn off dieting and obsessive exercise. Spicer is still working toward finding a healthy balance, and Burke is back to eating everything in moderation.

Asked if she would take part in the weight loss experiment again, Burke said, "No, never! I would never recommend extreme diets again.''

just saw this show the other night. very interesting how differently the two girls reacted to ana dieting. burke actually talked to a recovering anorexic 15-year-old and looked at pro-ana sites. she was crying about how awful it is that we do this to ourselves. boo fucking hoo. just because you're content with being fat doesn't mean we are.

if you ever see this on tv (if you get BBC), i highly recommend watching it. it was really interesting, and really thinsperational.

back on track :)

my old jeans fit again!!! i finally feel like i'm back where i need to be. after a successful 3 day fast i'm down 4lbs to 161 lbs, just over a pound away from the 150s range. which is so close to the 140s, that Point of No Return. i'm so happy right now. i can't believe i can fit back into my old jeans. no more size 17s and sweatpants for me! pretty soon i'll be able to slide that pair of size 13 jeans hanging in my closet over my hips... i reallly feel like i'm gonna make it now. i really do. i'm so determined, and this is becoming so easy, so normal. i feel lighter.

i went to the grocery store today and got tons of low-cal stuff and fruits/veggies. i also have a new recommendation, for those of you that like munchie food: Orville Redenbacker's (sp?) Smart Pop 100 Calorie Popcorn bags. they make reduced fat butter and kettle corn, and there's actually a pretty decent amount in the bag. you can replace a meal with that and maybe add in an apple or carrots or something, if you're ever craving munch food like i do all the time.

i really feel like i can keep this up and slim down to another 10 lbs in 2 weeks. 140s range by homecoming. i can do this!

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Saturday, September 5, 2009

triumphs and failures

first off, i wanna give a major shout out to my ana text-buddy Kat. with her, i successfully completed a 3 day fast and lost about 4 lbs. unfortunately, a major ordeal with my "mom" (to be from now on known as The Wench) on thursday made me break down. i was so angry that i took it out on my body. i knew exactly what i was doing. i was ruining all my progress. i was sabotaging myself. i was letting down kat (we were supposed to be starting the 02468 diet together)((i'm sorry kat!!! :,[ )). but the Wench just makes me feel so horrible about myself that i feel as if i deserve punishment, even when i've done nothing wrong. well, now that i've gained back 3 pounds of all my hard work, i'm really punishing myself. with a 7 day liquid fast. no excuses whatsoever. then i'll get back on track with kat for 02468. by the way, has anyone else ever tried this diet, or the 2468? does it work well?

it's a long story with the wench. we have quite a history. she's the reason i cut myself. so, from that, you can assume that her words have a pretty big effect on my head. maybe i'll vent more about that later, but it's not really relevant to ana.

but, hopefully, tomorrow i'll get to escape to my girlfriend's house. time with her, a little weed, and at night she's throwing a party and i'm getting absolutely wasted. there's no food at her house so i won't be able to eat anyway. and if she does get food, i'll say i haven't been feeling well, which, to be honest, i haven't, because my fucked up digestive system has been overloaded with too much food. one of the perks of having a gf who's fam is poor: no food.

i really just want a kick in the face. i want someone to just scream at me "NIKKI! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU ARE FAT!! STOP. FUCKING. EATING!" i want to be scolded. lectured. yelled at. someone just kick my ass back in line. enough with the niceness, the "oh, you're not fat, nikki" "oh, you have cute chunk, nikki." how the fuck can "chunk" and "cute" go together? it is against all my logic. i want there to be no middle ground, no gray area, when ppl look at me. i want ppl to see me and think, "oh my god, look at her! she's so thin!" because in my mind, you're fat, you're thin, or you're really thin. i think 110 lbs would suit me well. i have so many daydreams about being thin. i can picture it in my mind. honestly, i think i would look pretty hot once i'm thin. once i'm thin, once i'm thin... every single dream begins with that. i feel like i can't do anything because i'm "the fat girl." i hate it. i hate feeling like that's how everyone sees me as "the fat girl who ___." i'm done. i'm so angry with myself. 7 day fast. that should get me back in line.

wish me luck on my 7 day punishment. hopefully you guys haven't fucked up as bad as me. hopefully by the end of this fast i'll be in the 150s. just ten pounds away from the Point of No Return. still want more text buddies, if anyone's interested...

stay strong, think thin, live ana