Thursday, August 13, 2009

this little piggy stayed home...

today is august 13 and i am 170 lbs. i don't think i'm going to drop 11 pounds by the 15th. fuck me and my stupidity, my gluttony, my weakness. this HAS TO STOP. i looked at thinspo all night last night on the verge of tears, fearing i will never look as beautiful as all those girls i secretly idolize, hidden away on my computer. i am the only thing standing between me and myself, between fat and beautiful. don't wish for it, make it happen. i have to keep telling myself this so i won't falter. last night i made a list in my journal of all the reasons i've come up with before why i want to lose weight. why i want to be thin. it's a never ending cycle, to eat or not to eat. to try, or to not even bother. i need my determination back instead of this empty depression. i need to wake up.

going through my band camp pictures last night, i look horrid. my arms are absolutely disgusting. in my pictures from the zip line i'm practically exploding out of the harness. i can't believe i look like that.

clothes shopping today, i got a couple things that were just a little too snug and a lot of those loose, poofy tops, which will hide my weight loss. i found a skirt that i absolutely fell in love with, from that new abbey dawn collection at kohls. it was a black and white plaid pleated skirt with little studs on one side and a pink skull on the other. it was adorable, and i loved it SO much. but the biggest size was a 13, which i could barely pull over my fat hips, unzipped. i took a picture on my phone to save as thinspiration. i still have those size 13 jeans in my closet, too. and the size small tank top. i need to take all those too-small clothes and scatter them all over my room, drape them over furnature, a secret display of my own thinspiration. i want to fit in those clothes. i want to fit in my new clothes i bought today looking sexy instead of squeezed. ana help me...

stay strong (unlike me), think thin (unlike me), live ana (unlike me).

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