Thursday, August 27, 2009

i can't believe no one's suspicious.

most of my close friends know i used to be bulimic, and that i have starved in the past to try to lose weight (they also know that these failed miserably, and believe that i haven't done it since last summer). so it surprises me that i have so easily gotten away with skipping lunch every single day of the school year so far. i get a powerade zero (delicious, btw) and sip away while everyone else just devours their wraps and nachos and burgers and i feel a sense of accomplishment. one friend, e, "tries" to be vegetarian. she eats meat at home and at school, and just "avoids it" when she can. she'll offer me a bite of something and i'll say, "no, vegetarian, remember?" and it just gives me this surge of "ha, i can do something you can't!" and it makes it easier. it's when i get home, or when we stop somewhere on the way home somewhere, that things get difficult. i'm hoping, PRAYING that my 3 slip ups this week don't keep me from my goal. i haven't gotten to weigh in today but i feel skinnier. my shorts were falling off me the other day, when they fit just right last week. it's all good signs. i want to fit into those size 13 jeans in my closet. i just know when i hit that mark there will be no going back. the beginning is hard. i haven't developed the control. i haven't lost enough to feel a true surge of jump-up-and-down-scream-and-sing accomplishment for weightloss. but when those jeans slide right over my hips and button with ease, i just know, i KNOW that will be the point of no return. just one jean size smaller than i am now. because i will know that i GOT SOMEWHERE, and i will know HOW I GOT THERE. and i will know how to go further. it's like climbing up a big, steep hill. when you get to the top, it's so easy to run back down the other side. and when i'm on the other side, all the way there, that's when i'll know i've achieved what i wanted. that's when i'll be wearing a bikini for the first time in ten years. that's when i'll be flaunting my body instead of hiding it. that's when i'll be happy and sexy and feel wanted. that's when i'll be confident. that's when i'll be skinny. that's when i'll be free.

* * *
in other news, i have a new motivation: HOMECOMING. september 27. i want to be as skinny as possible by then. how much weight do you think i can lose in a month? i'm thinking maybe 20 lbs if i really get my ass in gear. i have a dress that i want to wear, it's dark purple and a little poofy at the bottom. it reminds me of a punk fairy, if that makes any sense. i'm going to wear my converse with it and look hella cute. IF i'm thin enough to pull it off by then, that is. right now it just makes my hips look even wider, if that was possible. every time i see food i need to remind myself of this goal: LOOK GOOD AT HOMECOMING. look good at homecoming. look good at homecoming. i'll even say it in german, ich muss für Homecoming gut aussehen! i NEED to get it in my head!
well wish me luck.
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox
P.S.: still looking for text buddies! email me at punkchick14@live.com

3 comments:

  1. Hey sweetie, don't sweat it, I'm a failure too. I screwed up the zero day of the 02468. And I've been screwing up ever since. I'm getting back on track starting tomorrow, I'm thinking of doing a 5-day liquid fast, something I've never done but I NEED to do. Either way, it has to be something. I can't let my life troubles get in the way of my life goal to be thin, thin, thin.

    You can do it chica, I know you can.

    ~Kat

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is the truth.

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