Thursday, August 27, 2009

i can't believe no one's suspicious.

most of my close friends know i used to be bulimic, and that i have starved in the past to try to lose weight (they also know that these failed miserably, and believe that i haven't done it since last summer). so it surprises me that i have so easily gotten away with skipping lunch every single day of the school year so far. i get a powerade zero (delicious, btw) and sip away while everyone else just devours their wraps and nachos and burgers and i feel a sense of accomplishment. one friend, e, "tries" to be vegetarian. she eats meat at home and at school, and just "avoids it" when she can. she'll offer me a bite of something and i'll say, "no, vegetarian, remember?" and it just gives me this surge of "ha, i can do something you can't!" and it makes it easier. it's when i get home, or when we stop somewhere on the way home somewhere, that things get difficult. i'm hoping, PRAYING that my 3 slip ups this week don't keep me from my goal. i haven't gotten to weigh in today but i feel skinnier. my shorts were falling off me the other day, when they fit just right last week. it's all good signs. i want to fit into those size 13 jeans in my closet. i just know when i hit that mark there will be no going back. the beginning is hard. i haven't developed the control. i haven't lost enough to feel a true surge of jump-up-and-down-scream-and-sing accomplishment for weightloss. but when those jeans slide right over my hips and button with ease, i just know, i KNOW that will be the point of no return. just one jean size smaller than i am now. because i will know that i GOT SOMEWHERE, and i will know HOW I GOT THERE. and i will know how to go further. it's like climbing up a big, steep hill. when you get to the top, it's so easy to run back down the other side. and when i'm on the other side, all the way there, that's when i'll know i've achieved what i wanted. that's when i'll be wearing a bikini for the first time in ten years. that's when i'll be flaunting my body instead of hiding it. that's when i'll be happy and sexy and feel wanted. that's when i'll be confident. that's when i'll be skinny. that's when i'll be free.

* * *
in other news, i have a new motivation: HOMECOMING. september 27. i want to be as skinny as possible by then. how much weight do you think i can lose in a month? i'm thinking maybe 20 lbs if i really get my ass in gear. i have a dress that i want to wear, it's dark purple and a little poofy at the bottom. it reminds me of a punk fairy, if that makes any sense. i'm going to wear my converse with it and look hella cute. IF i'm thin enough to pull it off by then, that is. right now it just makes my hips look even wider, if that was possible. every time i see food i need to remind myself of this goal: LOOK GOOD AT HOMECOMING. look good at homecoming. look good at homecoming. i'll even say it in german, ich muss für Homecoming gut aussehen! i NEED to get it in my head!
well wish me luck.
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox
P.S.: still looking for text buddies! email me at punkchick14@live.com

Monday, August 24, 2009

Song: "In the Hands of a Stranger"

Somebody show me
This is what's meant to be
That I am meant to be in this place
This shallow nothing

Somebody show me
That this is what my life's meant to be
That I am destined to stay here
Caged inside myself

If Fate's all I have left to believe in
And some distant voice is whispering seductively
The thing that I trust is the thing that destroys
And this new stranger just might save me from this void

Go on now, just let her take you
She'll give you everything you want
You just have to give up everything you hold so dear
Come on, fly, just let her break you
She'll give you every mirror's dream
You just have to give up everything you hold so dear

Somebody show me
This is what's meant to be
That I am meant to take control
And rise to nothing

Somebody show me
That this is what my life's meant to be
My heart is torn between the ashes
And the acid tongue

If Fate's all I have left to believe in
And some distant voice is whispering seductively
The thing that I trust is the thing that destroys
And this new stranger just might save me from this void

Go on now, just let her take you
She'll give you everything you want
You just have to give up everything you hold so dear
Come on, fly, just let her break you
She'll give you every mirror's dream
You just have to give up everything you hold so dear

Let go of life and take her hand
You'll bite the one that feeds you
Let go of yourself, take the hands of a stranger
She'll lead you to a place all new

LET GO
TAKE HER HAND
She'll save you from yourself
LET GO
OF YOURSELF
She'll take you to a shell all new
She'll take you to a shell all new
She'll break you, she'll break you
She'll take you, SHE'LL TAKE YOU

Go on now, just let her take you
She'll give you everything you want
You just have to give up everything you hold so dear
Come on, fly, just let her break you
She'll give you every mirror's dream
You just have to give up everything you hold so dear

liquid fasting day

after 4 hours of sleep on my way to a 2 hour marching rehearsal i decided i needed the liquid coffee calories (260) just to function and the energy drink (280) to get me through the day afterwards. this is not as bad as it could be since they're only liquid cals, but still. i'm up 2 lbs after my bad weekend. i've decided that I DO NOT CARE about weekends anymore, i will NO LONGER ALLOW MYSELF ANY BREAKS besides planned "reward binges" when i reach "weight checkpoints" (every 10lbs). i need to tell myself this plan OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER this weekend so i don't gain back all my hard work during the week! ugh. i'm disgusted with myself. hopefully i'm down a pound since sunday morning. but probably not. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. well, at least i have cramps to blame for my "lack of appetite." and i know for a fact that if i play my cards right tomorrow i can water-fast, because i have evening rehearsal for band... wish me luck this week. i'll need it.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Saturday, August 22, 2009

a good week

all week i've been skipping breakfast and lunch, and dinner as much as possible. yesterday all i had was a couple slices of veggie pizza, which was unavoidable because my girlfriend was over. so was breakfast at denny's this morning (cappuccino, 2 eggs, and french toast... i know, badddddddddd). after that i didn't eat until dinner, which i purged. god it felt so good. i haven't done it in soooooooo long. it was so relaxing. i really needed it with all the stress i've had this week. i'm taking 5 ap classes which adds up to about 7 hours of homework a night, even on the first day of school. i can't fucking handle it. i've been crying over having to take a shower because it cuts into homework time. it's ridiculous. hopefully this week as i sink further into sweet starvation i'll numb out enough to just ride this year out. i've lost a good amount of weight for my first week back on track. i'm excited to see how skinny i am once xmas hits and i get money for new clothes... i just have to keep thinking of that future, that thin future, and i'll make it there. cuz sometimes, you have to make your own wishes come true.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Friday, August 14, 2009

desperation

i am so lost. i'm going crazy. for various reasons none of my friends or text buddies or sorta-friends or anyone have been able to talk all day. alone, without the distraction of conversation, my thoughts run wild. i have decided: I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE THIS. i've made up my mind. i'm angrily determined and pathetically desperate. today is the last day i eat until school. and on the first day of school, tuesday, i stop eating meat. for real, not just a lie to get out of eating around my friends. i'm telling my family the same thing. it's not just for ana (yeah, it's part of it obviously), but also for the environment and animal rights. i am making some serious changes this year. with everything else in my life flying out of control, i am taking control of the one thing i can. that is so typical ana, but it's true. i want fucking control. no one is going to stop me. and everyone is going to be shocked. let the unstoppable force meet the immovable object. i will just keep going.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

xoxoNikkioxox




P.S.: i'm still looking for some text buddies! e-mail me at punkchick14@live.com and we can trade numbers.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

thinspiration once again














































probably my best thinspo post yet. look at their arms, their legs, their stomachs... they all have such beautiful bodies. the eighth picture: that is what i want to see when i look down my body when i'm laying down in bed. these girls are my idols, and the twisted thing is that they probably don't even know it. sure, a couple of them probably posted pictures of themselves onto ana websites because they want to show off their beautiful ana bodies. but a lot of the thinspo we pour over obsessively, especially "real girl thinspo," comes from every day girls just posting pictures of themselves to their myspaces or facebooks. a cute picture for a profile. meaningless. and little do they know that they are ending up on countless thinspo websites, ana blogs, saved on our computers or printed and pasted in our food journals. i wonder what some of these girls would do if they knew what happened to that cute little profile picture they took with their friends, with a cute little smile and not a care in the world.









this little piggy stayed home...

today is august 13 and i am 170 lbs. i don't think i'm going to drop 11 pounds by the 15th. fuck me and my stupidity, my gluttony, my weakness. this HAS TO STOP. i looked at thinspo all night last night on the verge of tears, fearing i will never look as beautiful as all those girls i secretly idolize, hidden away on my computer. i am the only thing standing between me and myself, between fat and beautiful. don't wish for it, make it happen. i have to keep telling myself this so i won't falter. last night i made a list in my journal of all the reasons i've come up with before why i want to lose weight. why i want to be thin. it's a never ending cycle, to eat or not to eat. to try, or to not even bother. i need my determination back instead of this empty depression. i need to wake up.

going through my band camp pictures last night, i look horrid. my arms are absolutely disgusting. in my pictures from the zip line i'm practically exploding out of the harness. i can't believe i look like that.

clothes shopping today, i got a couple things that were just a little too snug and a lot of those loose, poofy tops, which will hide my weight loss. i found a skirt that i absolutely fell in love with, from that new abbey dawn collection at kohls. it was a black and white plaid pleated skirt with little studs on one side and a pink skull on the other. it was adorable, and i loved it SO much. but the biggest size was a 13, which i could barely pull over my fat hips, unzipped. i took a picture on my phone to save as thinspiration. i still have those size 13 jeans in my closet, too. and the size small tank top. i need to take all those too-small clothes and scatter them all over my room, drape them over furnature, a secret display of my own thinspiration. i want to fit in those clothes. i want to fit in my new clothes i bought today looking sexy instead of squeezed. ana help me...

stay strong (unlike me), think thin (unlike me), live ana (unlike me).
xoxoNikkiTheFailureoxox

Monday, August 10, 2009

blog makeover

just a quick note, i gave my blog a bit of a makeover. i thought a black background would be much more fitting considering the subject matter of this blog and my dark personality. haha. anyway, i also added "ana's playlist" to the sidebar. click a song and it will take you to youtube. there's everything from hard rock to piano pop to christian rap, so enjoy! these songs really thinspire me or let me sulk, depending on the mood. thought you'd enjoy the well known and little known ana anthems. i changed my heading, too, and created my own image for it. i personally like it. a broken mirror and a sad scene girl, the ultimate description of my life without any words.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

more thinspo












i love the second picture. i want my hip bones to stick out like that. sometimes when i lay down at night i just run my hands over my hip bones and pray that they can soon come out of hiding.

this one time at band camp...

band camp was horrible as far as eating goes. every meal was an all you can eat buffet of greasy shit. i stayed vegetarian the whole way though so hopefully that helped. and we marched a total of about eight hours a day, which definately helped. i still dont' know how much i weigh after that weekend, i'm trying to flush out my system a bit first (thank you, laxatives!) but i will update as soon as i know.

mom's taking me school clothes shopping next week, so i really have to slim down by then so i can fit into smaller clothes. today i'm eating minimal, small meals and no snacks, and tomorrow the fast begins. i don't even have a set fasting regimen, i'm just going as long as i can stand. i need to slim down before school! wish me luck. god i hope i haven't gained after that weekend... i need to get back in that ana mindset! i still have 5 days to get into the 150s range. hopefully this will only require about a pound a day, which can't be too hard... god, why did i have to pig out so fucking much this weekend? i'm so angry with myself. i could feel myself jiggle while i marched and it was horrible. people have pictures up from camp and i look like hell. my stomach is practically pouring over the waistline of my pants. it's godawful and embarrassing. i was supposed to be in a bikini by band camp this year. that was what i told myself at the beginning of the summer. that didn't happen. i am no where near bikini worthy. i have failed myself and because of that it is so hard to get back on track. at this point half of me wants to destroy my body and wither away and the other half just says, "why fucking bother? you're just gonna fail again." i'm so depressed...

sorry this update is so short. i really don't have much else to say...

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Saturday, August 1, 2009

YES! I FUCKING DID IT!

my goal was to lose 5 lbs by today. i lost 5.5! i'm very happy about this, but unfortunately it was under less than desirable circumstances. my gf, well, now a "sort of gf" have been having a lot of issues this week (i.e. she's been having a lot of issues) and we broke up tuesday. i did not eat until yesterday when i went to her house. it wasn't even out of desire to lose weight. it was because i completely lost my will to live. now all i can say is that it's really, really complicated, we're not completely together, but i'm happy.

i've told all my friends at band camp that i've gone vegan. this leaves me with only fruit and veggies to eat every day and at snack breaks i just say i'm not hungry. they don't even notice when i dont' eat. and wednesday, thursday and friday i ate absolutely nothing and they barely even tried to get me to eat something. it's so fucking easy. i feel myself getting lighter. and this is while i'm bloated from being on my period. so once that goes away i'll really dip down! i have two solid weeks left before school starts. hopefully i can keep this up and lose 10 lbs by then. i know this is unlikely, however, so my official goal is to be back in the 150s. this gives me at least 7 lbs to lose by then, or 3.5 lbs per week. easy. all it takes is a little self control.

someone asked what instrument i play in band, and it's flute (one of the hardest instruments to march with -- it takes more air to play than a tuba). i've been playing for 5 years.

i think that's it for now. i'm just trying to look on the brightside of this whole situation with my girl. it gives me an excuse. it gives me motivation. like i said before in one of my posts, when i'm skinny and hot, she'll never wanna let me go. i wanna be so thin that she HAS to stay, to keep me tethered to the ground so i don't float away.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox