Sunday, July 26, 2009

my weekly plan

today's the last day before my fast. i'm going to try 2 fast days, eat 500 cals or less on wednesday, and then fast again thursday and friday. hopefully this and all the exercise i'll get in marching band and at the park will let me lose 5 lbs by next weekend. and saturday and sunday will be minimal eating days, saturday being 300 calories to break the fast, and sunday 500 to keep my metabolism going before the next 2-day fast.

i don't really know what else to talk about. i probably won't be blogging for a while once marching camp starts, unless there's odd days where i'm home alone or at my grandmas. but i'll try to keep you all updated and check my email for text buddies as much as possible.

wish me luck with this weeks plan! if it works, i'll do the same routine every week, and hopefully be a few sizes down before it's time to shop for new school clothes.

it's gonna be a good year.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

xoxoNikkioxox

Saturday, July 25, 2009

SONG: Skin and Bones

V1: i'm shaking
the ground below is quaking
can't believe i'm taking
such a risk
you're danger
but far from a stranger
but you help my anger
and my fear

L: you're taking hold of me
you're taking hold of me
you and i we can control
all of me

CH: all it takes is a little self control
and all it does is getcha closer to the goal
we're going down down, down down
all the way down
and all that's left is skin and bones

V2: i'm shrinking
i've changed my way of thinking
nothing's better than sinking
into this.... mess

i'm lying
people say i'm dying
i tell them that i'm trying
but it's all.... a lie

L: you're taking hold of me
you're taking hold of me
you and i we can control
all of me

CH: all it takes is a little self control
and all it does is getcha closer to the goal
we're going down down, down down
all the way down
and all that's left is skin and bones

i'm lying, i'm lying
i'm dying, i'm dying
but i'd rather be dead
oh, i'd rather be dead
yeah, i'd rather be dead, dead

but all it takes is a little self control
and all it does is getcha closer to the goal
we're going down down, down down
all the way down
and all that's left is skin and bones

all that's left is skin and bones

all that's left is skin and bones

skin and bones

thinspo 2












i really like this last one, her pin-straight hair makes her look even slimmer.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

i fail.

i don't know what happened. i guess it's just the stress of my life lately and too many situations where i had no other choice but to eat. but.......... i haven't been sticking to the plan. luckily with all my shit eating i've managed only to bounce up to 171.5. still. that's horrible. i need to get back on track.

plan:: marching camp starts next week. skip breakfast, nibble lunch there (say i'm vegitarian so i don't have to eat anything besides fruit and veggies), and then come home at 4:30 saying they provided dinner too. i've got a plan. i just need to work on the control. hunger doesn't bother me, it's the temptation of taste that sucks me in. if any of you have any tricks for that besides the chew/spit method, they would be greatly appreciated.

hope you all are doing better than me.
stay strong, think thin, live ana

xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

bad weekend

i pigged out so fucking much this weekend. at my gf's i ate mac n cheese and mcdonalds and pancakes, then came home and had grilled cheese and pizza, ice cream, soda, more mcdonalds, chips and dip... it was just godawful. and all cuz i was with my gf and my friend all weekend. my social life might have to take a step back if i wanna focus on eating. i gained a few pounds which really pisses me off.

today was pretty good though. 20 min run in gym plus the next 5 hours after, laughing my ass off the whole time. we were all a little delirious from the run i guess because we were cracking jokes and doing stupid shit and laughing the whole time. and guess what? laughing burns calories! i definately laughed enough to burn a few.

shit, gotta run, we're leaving for the park. stay strong, etc etc.

love, nikki

Thursday, July 9, 2009

staying strong

this week has been great for the most part. i've been just bringing food into my room and chew/spitting it or just throwing it away. and yesterday i was forced into mcdonald's but i got a southwest salad (SO DELICIOUS!) and it was only 320 cals. not bad! i've been losing about 1.5 to 2 lbs every day. today's the last day of my semi-fast for this week, and hopefully i'll have control over myself tomorrow at my gf's house. summer gym has been doing me so good too. i can feel my body being pushed to the edge, teetering over. i almost blacked out when we ran the mile today, and everytime i get up too fast everything spins. but i love it. i can't get enough. as twisted as it is, i'm actually EXCITED for my first black out. because starving, it's like being on drugs, all the time.

on a different note, my mother, the cuntmuffin, who is 37 years old......... IS PREGNANT. i want to scream. i am in shock. i figured it out because i found "What to Expect When You're Expecting" in her car this morning. i am going to have a little brother or sister, probably with down syndrome or some problem because my mom is so old, and he/she will be 16 years younger than me. trying to look on the bright side.... it'll be a distraction from me losing weight and not eating. but i'm probably not going to even know the poor kid, because once i go to college in 2 years i'm never coming home. not unless my mom either leaves the house or dies. i want absolutely nothing to do with her after i leave.

It's due february 7. somebody hit me over the head with a shovel. PLEASE???


ok, sorry i went off on that tangent... i have a tip for purging: take a shower right after you eat whatever it is and throw up in a plastic bag in the shower. this works because the shower covers the noise, you won't clog any drains or worry about toilet water splashing in your face, and if you stand up it comes up so much better. just thought i'd share because i came up with it sunday when our toilet was broken after we went out for pizza and it worked perfectly for me.

i'm making a red beaded bracelet tonight. it's a really cool idea, giving us all a way to know who's a friend of ana and who's a foe. if you don't know what i'm talking about, check out the Red Bracelet page on Fading Obsession. It's in my new "Useful Links" list to your right -->

i'm also working on my own pro-ana site, with thinspo and tips/tricks, etc. but so far i haven't found a free site where i can make it that will let me upload the photos. i'll keep working on it and let you all know when it's up. hopefully it will have a forum too where you can post for advice and support.

stay strong, think thin, and one day you'll fly
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, July 6, 2009

I LOVE THIS WEBSITE!

it calculates EVERYTHING. bmr (how many calories you burn just to function), bmi, what your healthy weight range is, and it has a calorie burn calculator that tells you how many calories you burn doing just about everything from sleeping to jogging to having sex. i love this, and i think my fellow anas will too. it's very useful. check it out!

http://www.healthstatus.com/calculators.html

getting back on track

after a weekend of 4th of july parties, little sister's birthday madness, and other such temptations, i don't even want to know how much i weigh. i tried to get away to throw up in a lot of situations but never got a chance. i feel so uncomfortably FULL. seriously, i don't think my body is used to eating so much. which is good. on top of my food dilemmas, i also had some love life and family life problems which have given me some new motivation:

1. when i am thin and hot, my gf will never want to let me go. she keeps getting confused about her feelings for me (after going out with me nearly 7 MONTHS mind you). if i'm so light she has to hold me onto the earth, she can never let go. if i'm thin, i'll be hot, and irresistable, and she'll fall head over heels in love with me all over again.

2. when i am thin, it will be the ultimate revenge on my cuntmuffin of a mother. she is so fat it's absolutely disgusting. and every time i diet she sabotages me. i'm not even kidding. it's all a game to her and she doens't wanna be the only fatass left in the house. she wants to play games? fine. i'll play them right back.

3. when i am thin, my grandma will get off my fucking back about my weight. she's always dragging me outside and to the pool and everything active because she thinks i need to lose weight and she's always making sarcastic comments about my weight/eating. i'll show her.

i'll show EVERYONE. they don't think i can do it. i don't even get support from my gf because she's like "OMG YOU'RE FINE THE WAY YOU ARE!!" but even she will admit that i "don't look like i should be fat." i thank all my readers and my new texting buddy Kat (Quest for Perfection) for the support. i'm not getting it from anywhere else, and i need you.

ana's voice has been stuck in my head all day at gym, telling me to run faster, push myself harder, and she'll give me everything i want, everything i dream. i have obeyed. i had a no-carb energy drink this morning (20 cals), worked my ASS OFF at gym, and am now enjoying a fuji chicken salad from Panera bread, no chicken, nuts, dressing or tomatoes (approx. 350 cals, and lettuce is supposedly negative so i think i'm good!) and chew-spitting the bread. i'll just have to purge my way out of my little sister's bday dinner tonight and i can call this a good day. tomorrow thru thursday will be a water fast, but i might allow myself a glass of V8-Fusion light if i deem myself worthy. wish me luck tonight and this week!

stay strong, think thin, and one day you will fly

xoxoNikkioxox

Friday, July 3, 2009

i messed up

weight: 167

yesterday was god awful. i was so determined in the beginning of the day to get a good workout at summer gym and really control myself when i was forced to eat. all that went out the fucking window and i gained a pound back. i hate myself right now.

all this food in this house is tempting me so much... while i'm home alone the next few hours, i plan to binge. get all the tastes on my tongue that i've been craving. then, get rid of it all and watch it swirl away after the magic flush.

i'm slipping... ana, give me strength...