Tuesday, June 30, 2009

who knew so much could happen in a couple days?

sunday: my gf wants a break.

monday: in the morning, my gf breaks up with me. then shows up at my window in the middle of the night with a rose, asking me to take her back. we kissed through the window screen before she had to go. it felt like a movie :)

also yesterday i had an accomplishment. in my depression over the break up and my determination for revenge, i did not eat. at all. nothing. i completely water-fasted. i had no appetite and i wasn't hungry until after she came to my window, but i still didn't eat. my reward: i lost 3 lbs in one day.

i am so happy right now it's not even funny! today i'm juice fasting - had a V8 V-Fusion this morning (let me just say it is DELICIOUS and only 50 cals!!) tomorrow i'll eat 3 200 calorie meals because my gf is coming over thurs and i will have to eat. hopefully i will be down another 3 lbs by the end of the week. my goal is to hit 160 (though still gross, this is an accomplishment) by next monday. i've also decided to become vegetarian. this weekend is the last time i'll eat meat! this will give me an excuse to be picky and change my eating habits, and also explain my weight loss. can't remember if i mentioned this before... sorry if i have haha


last night i was watching intervention. this girl had an eating disorder that made her so scared to swallow that she hadn't even swallowed her own spit in 14 years. she carried around a cup to spit in and chewed-and-spat all her food, just for the taste. she got a doctor to put a feeding tube in her so she could squirt nutrition supplements into her stomach. it wasn't that she didn't want to eat, she just was so scared that she would choke if she swallowed anything. it really floored me. i've heard of a lot of strange mental conditions, but nothing like that.

and speaking of EDs, i read on a website that with my height i would have to weigh 97.5 lbs to be considered "anorexic." i think this is ridiculous. anorexia is defined as an extreme fear of becoming overweight that leads to excessive dieting and restriction and in many cases starvation and over-exercising. so if you have all the symptoms of anorexia besides being a certain weight, would doctors and psychologists not treat you the same as a girl who is 30 lbs underweight with yellow skin and bald patches? the world is fucked up. i hate that they use numbers and statistics to justify themselves. sometimes numbers and pie charts are not enough to make a difference. and half the time they don't even make the right impression. my reaction was "wow, that's barely more than 10 lbs under the ideal weight for my height. i wonder what i'd look like..." instead of "only 97.5 lbs?? that's sick! who would want that? i'll stay at a healthy weight, thank you." i just get really frustrated with how fucked up the world is when it comes to mental health. i'm not saying that's the source of my problems, but i think the human race takes everything regarding this subject in the opposite direction that they should. one of the many reasons i want to become a pyschologist (haha i know, the former-cutter and now ana/mia emo girl wants to be a shrink... as i said, the world is a fucked up place.)

well that's it on the update and ranting. i'll probably post some tips and thinspo here later. keep thinking thin!

--Nikki

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