Tuesday, June 23, 2009

first post

current weight: 170 (DISGUSTING!!!)
height: 5'3
goal weight: 115

i'm not putting my real name here for obvious reasons, but you can all call me nikki. i've dealt with [buli]mia (binge-purging without intention to lose weight) but recently i've become fed up with my body and turned to ana. i'm not "making myself anorexic." for a couple years i've had phases where i go on crash diets and barely eat anything (less than 200 cals a day) but it never lasts. this time, i'm making it last. i wanna walk in the snow and leave no footprints. i want my hip bones to stick out. i want all this lard off of me. i want to close my mouth to food so i can know a sweeter taste.

i'm looking for tips and support. if you wanna bash me or tell me i'm harming myself, blah blah blah, you can hit the little arrow at the upper-left corner of your screen now.

a few things you might wanna know about me: i'm 15, gonna be a junior (skipped a grade), i'm bi but i call myself a borderline lesbian lol, and speaking of that i have a gf who i'll alias as Marie. I'm into emo/scene style, i'm a writer, and i play guitar flute and sax. i'm really into music and i write my own songs.

here's the thing if you're gonna read my blog: i don't get to go on the net much cuz i don't have it at home. so i'll post once or twice a week. if i have a rant in my journal i really wanna share, i'll post it with another entry and put the date at the top.

lately i've been eating as little as possible. less than 300 a day. but today i've really screwed up. i couldn't get out of lunch and i couldn't find the opportunity to purge it. i'm so pissed at myself. i ate 3 ribs and some green beans. i guess the green beans were ok cuz they're supposedly negative cals but the ribs? meat=fat. bbq sauce=sugar which turns to fat. i'm a pig. i have to weigh myself tonight and i just know i'm not gonna like what i see. i bet this'll make me gain. UGH. i have so far to go and i just keep fucking up. i'm gonna punish myself with a long run today. up and down the big hill by my house for 45 minutes. maybe an hour. we'll see.

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