Saturday, June 27, 2009

determined as ever

weight: 167.5

thursday, i threw up in a public restroom for the first time.

my grandma took me and my sister to the rec center to go swimming. i thought, "exercise! burn calories! yes!" and that's what it was. i couldn't swim laps because it was more of a waterslides-and-playgrounds kind of pool but i swam enough to get my heartrate going for a while. but then my grandma suggested we go to the snack bar. great. she got nachos, my sister got a funnel cake, and i got a water bottle. my grandma, who's always nagging me not to eat so much and to lose weight and exercise more, insists that i eat some nachos. "you'll burn it off in the pool," she promised. bull shit. but i had to eat at least one chip to get her to shut up. issue: i can eat nothing with almost no problem. but when i eat, i can't stop. it doesn't matter if i've been starving for a week or eating "normally." my mother raised me to eat away my emotions. to love food. so it's not just food, it's a treat, it's a drug, whatever you wanna call it. one chip turned into half the nachos and 2/3 of the funnel cake. i panicked. i made sure my grandma and sister were back at the pool and BOOKED IT to the bathroom. i closed the door to the biggest stall and looked underneath the side for feet. i was alone. i vomited violently out of my panic and worry that someone would come in before i could finish. finally i got it all up. i went to the sink and cleaned up, then pulled my sunglasses over my bloodshot eyes.

yesterday i was at my girlfriend's house so i had to eat. luckily, she never has much food around the house and i managed to get away with only one meal after my glass of milk in the morning (to get my metabolism started since i knew i'd be eating). however, i ended up drinking 3 dr. pepper + captain morgans and who knows how many calories was in that... i only gained back half a pound though. i was scared it would be a lot more.

i know what i'm doing is wrong and i feel a little guilty doing it. i have 3 friends who have struggled with eating disorders, one of which is still in recovery. and just yesterday my old flute teacher told me that she went through it in high school cuz of her mom (she's so cool to talk to. she went through issues with her mom too and she really relates to me. the only thing i'm afraid of is her realizing how similar we are and catching on to my games). so many people i care about and can't even picture doing it have told lies to avoid meals, weighed themselves obsessively, pressed the magic button in the back of their throat and curled into balls to avoid the worst hunger pains. just like me. i can't picture any of them doing any of those things. i've even seen pictures of one friend at her lowest weight, with her ribs sticking out at everything and i still just can't picture her face on that body in that picture. i wonder if the ones who know about my bulimia, if they think the same about me. i wonder if months from now they'll look at my slim figure and my shoulder bones and think, "i cannot believe what i'm seeing."

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