Tuesday, June 30, 2009

who knew so much could happen in a couple days?

sunday: my gf wants a break.

monday: in the morning, my gf breaks up with me. then shows up at my window in the middle of the night with a rose, asking me to take her back. we kissed through the window screen before she had to go. it felt like a movie :)

also yesterday i had an accomplishment. in my depression over the break up and my determination for revenge, i did not eat. at all. nothing. i completely water-fasted. i had no appetite and i wasn't hungry until after she came to my window, but i still didn't eat. my reward: i lost 3 lbs in one day.

i am so happy right now it's not even funny! today i'm juice fasting - had a V8 V-Fusion this morning (let me just say it is DELICIOUS and only 50 cals!!) tomorrow i'll eat 3 200 calorie meals because my gf is coming over thurs and i will have to eat. hopefully i will be down another 3 lbs by the end of the week. my goal is to hit 160 (though still gross, this is an accomplishment) by next monday. i've also decided to become vegetarian. this weekend is the last time i'll eat meat! this will give me an excuse to be picky and change my eating habits, and also explain my weight loss. can't remember if i mentioned this before... sorry if i have haha


last night i was watching intervention. this girl had an eating disorder that made her so scared to swallow that she hadn't even swallowed her own spit in 14 years. she carried around a cup to spit in and chewed-and-spat all her food, just for the taste. she got a doctor to put a feeding tube in her so she could squirt nutrition supplements into her stomach. it wasn't that she didn't want to eat, she just was so scared that she would choke if she swallowed anything. it really floored me. i've heard of a lot of strange mental conditions, but nothing like that.

and speaking of EDs, i read on a website that with my height i would have to weigh 97.5 lbs to be considered "anorexic." i think this is ridiculous. anorexia is defined as an extreme fear of becoming overweight that leads to excessive dieting and restriction and in many cases starvation and over-exercising. so if you have all the symptoms of anorexia besides being a certain weight, would doctors and psychologists not treat you the same as a girl who is 30 lbs underweight with yellow skin and bald patches? the world is fucked up. i hate that they use numbers and statistics to justify themselves. sometimes numbers and pie charts are not enough to make a difference. and half the time they don't even make the right impression. my reaction was "wow, that's barely more than 10 lbs under the ideal weight for my height. i wonder what i'd look like..." instead of "only 97.5 lbs?? that's sick! who would want that? i'll stay at a healthy weight, thank you." i just get really frustrated with how fucked up the world is when it comes to mental health. i'm not saying that's the source of my problems, but i think the human race takes everything regarding this subject in the opposite direction that they should. one of the many reasons i want to become a pyschologist (haha i know, the former-cutter and now ana/mia emo girl wants to be a shrink... as i said, the world is a fucked up place.)

well that's it on the update and ranting. i'll probably post some tips and thinspo here later. keep thinking thin!

--Nikki

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Song: Running on Empty

Verse:
like a rose without water
i'll wither away
as i spiral down faster
i'll slowly decay
i'll take it all on
i'll open my arms
and fall into the embrace of the monster

Chorus:
i'm running on empty
make me disappear so nobody can see me now
i don't need fixing (i don't need you)
i'm running on empty
let me disappear, let everybody see me now
i don't need saving (I DON'T NEED YOU!)

i'm comfortably cold
and i smile with each shiver
cuz i know the reward
that fine line keeps getting thinner
i'll take it all on
i'm fragile but strong
in the seductive embrace of the monster

Chorus:
i'm running on empty
make me disappear so nobody can see me now
i don't need fixing (i don't need you)
i'm running on empty
let me disappear, let everybody see me now
i don't need saving

Bridge:
I CAN'T TURN BACK!
I DON'T NEED YOU!
it's just one of those things you've gotta do
THIS IS MY LIFE!
I DON'T NEED YOU!
sometimes the only way to win is to lose

Chorus:
i'm running on empty
make me disappear so nobody can see me now
i don't need fixing (i don't need you)
i'm running on empty
let me disappear, let everybody see me now
i don't need saving (I DON'T NEED YOU!)

determined as ever

weight: 167.5

thursday, i threw up in a public restroom for the first time.

my grandma took me and my sister to the rec center to go swimming. i thought, "exercise! burn calories! yes!" and that's what it was. i couldn't swim laps because it was more of a waterslides-and-playgrounds kind of pool but i swam enough to get my heartrate going for a while. but then my grandma suggested we go to the snack bar. great. she got nachos, my sister got a funnel cake, and i got a water bottle. my grandma, who's always nagging me not to eat so much and to lose weight and exercise more, insists that i eat some nachos. "you'll burn it off in the pool," she promised. bull shit. but i had to eat at least one chip to get her to shut up. issue: i can eat nothing with almost no problem. but when i eat, i can't stop. it doesn't matter if i've been starving for a week or eating "normally." my mother raised me to eat away my emotions. to love food. so it's not just food, it's a treat, it's a drug, whatever you wanna call it. one chip turned into half the nachos and 2/3 of the funnel cake. i panicked. i made sure my grandma and sister were back at the pool and BOOKED IT to the bathroom. i closed the door to the biggest stall and looked underneath the side for feet. i was alone. i vomited violently out of my panic and worry that someone would come in before i could finish. finally i got it all up. i went to the sink and cleaned up, then pulled my sunglasses over my bloodshot eyes.

yesterday i was at my girlfriend's house so i had to eat. luckily, she never has much food around the house and i managed to get away with only one meal after my glass of milk in the morning (to get my metabolism started since i knew i'd be eating). however, i ended up drinking 3 dr. pepper + captain morgans and who knows how many calories was in that... i only gained back half a pound though. i was scared it would be a lot more.



i know what i'm doing is wrong and i feel a little guilty doing it. i have 3 friends who have struggled with eating disorders, one of which is still in recovery. and just yesterday my old flute teacher told me that she went through it in high school cuz of her mom (she's so cool to talk to. she went through issues with her mom too and she really relates to me. the only thing i'm afraid of is her realizing how similar we are and catching on to my games). so many people i care about and can't even picture doing it have told lies to avoid meals, weighed themselves obsessively, pressed the magic button in the back of their throat and curled into balls to avoid the worst hunger pains. just like me. i can't picture any of them doing any of those things. i've even seen pictures of one friend at her lowest weight, with her ribs sticking out at everything and i still just can't picture her face on that body in that picture. i wonder if the ones who know about my bulimia, if they think the same about me. i wonder if months from now they'll look at my slim figure and my shoulder bones and think, "i cannot believe what i'm seeing."

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Thinspo 1

i use mostly emo thinspo so here it is...























































































































first post

current weight: 170 (DISGUSTING!!!)
height: 5'3
goal weight: 115

i'm not putting my real name here for obvious reasons, but you can all call me nikki. i've dealt with [buli]mia (binge-purging without intention to lose weight) but recently i've become fed up with my body and turned to ana. i'm not "making myself anorexic." for a couple years i've had phases where i go on crash diets and barely eat anything (less than 200 cals a day) but it never lasts. this time, i'm making it last. i wanna walk in the snow and leave no footprints. i want my hip bones to stick out. i want all this lard off of me. i want to close my mouth to food so i can know a sweeter taste.

i'm looking for tips and support. if you wanna bash me or tell me i'm harming myself, blah blah blah, you can hit the little arrow at the upper-left corner of your screen now.

a few things you might wanna know about me: i'm 15, gonna be a junior (skipped a grade), i'm bi but i call myself a borderline lesbian lol, and speaking of that i have a gf who i'll alias as Marie. I'm into emo/scene style, i'm a writer, and i play guitar flute and sax. i'm really into music and i write my own songs.

here's the thing if you're gonna read my blog: i don't get to go on the net much cuz i don't have it at home. so i'll post once or twice a week. if i have a rant in my journal i really wanna share, i'll post it with another entry and put the date at the top.



lately i've been eating as little as possible. less than 300 a day. but today i've really screwed up. i couldn't get out of lunch and i couldn't find the opportunity to purge it. i'm so pissed at myself. i ate 3 ribs and some green beans. i guess the green beans were ok cuz they're supposedly negative cals but the ribs? meat=fat. bbq sauce=sugar which turns to fat. i'm a pig. i have to weigh myself tonight and i just know i'm not gonna like what i see. i bet this'll make me gain. UGH. i have so far to go and i just keep fucking up. i'm gonna punish myself with a long run today. up and down the big hill by my house for 45 minutes. maybe an hour. we'll see.