Thursday, December 31, 2009

a quickie

an incident happened on sunday night that made it rather easy to lose my will to eat. monday, tuesday, wednesday, i ate nothing, always keeping a bag of diet popcorn with me just in case i really needed it. the bag is still unopened. what happened is unimportant, because it all turned out to be a joke my girlfriend was playing. i was still pretty fucked up over it though. monday night i had a bad bulimic episode and tuesday night i popped three prozac and was flying on the clouds.

i wish i had time to tell you all the emotions running through my head, everything that's going on. but i have to summarize. i'm back on track, for sure. i've been working out an hour a day on wii fit and have lost 4 lbs this week, hoping to lose another pound or two by the end of the week. school starts monday and i want to look good. will people even notice?

ha. as if anyone ever notices me.

i'll be back soon everyone.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Thursday, December 24, 2009


this week has been hell. absolute hell.

sunday i got caught after smoking a cigarette. which means i don't get to stay home alone during the week, which was my excuse out of breakfast and lunch and the perfect set up for a 4 day fast before christmas. needless to say, i'm also in huge trouble.

so, of course, perfect timing for my mood swings to go completely erratic, right? i barely remember yesterday. that's what happens when i go into extreme mood swings, i basically black out.

monday and tuesday i had to go to work with my dad, part of my punishment. monday i managed to get by eating just some watered down soup. i was so proud of myself. 1/4 can of campbell's vegetarian vegetable soup + enough water to fill my stomach and keep it satisfied. but i came home and crashed. i ate a bowl of pasta, xmas cookies, snack cakes, candy bars... i ate and ate until i felt like i was going to explode and then i kept eating. then i threw up until nothing was coming out but i kept gagging myself. my head and heart were pounding and i couldn't stand up. i was out of breath. when i calmed down some the adrenaline was still surging through me and i spent an hour on the wii fit, making it my goal to do at least an hour every day, including 10 minutes of jogging every day until i could work up to 30 minutes. i was a mess and texted zack about it. he was worried, freaking out, trying to get me to eat but i insisted i was fine. it's the first time i told him straight up "No" when he's asked me to eat. 

tuesday was a different story. i came to work armed with my watered down soup and a bag of diet popcorn (100 cals), ready to face the same routine. but dad decided to go grab lunch. fml. mia took over my mind, not realizing i would have no chance to purge, and i ordered a foot long tuna. as soon as i got done eating that thing the depression hit. i planned on doing 2 hours on the wii fit including a total of 30 minutes of running around my basement. but when i got home i was so depressed i couldn't move. i cried a little. i felt helpless and out of control. so of course my solution to a situation like that is to do something stupid and destructive. i've had a bottle of my mom's old prescription muscle relaxers in my closet since last spring, when i was contemplating suicide. i wasn't wanting enough to kill me, just enough for some kind of high. what happened was my mind was blank, i wasn't thinking any depressed thoughts or feeling any emotion. i ended up getting really tired a couple hours after taking the pills and passed out around 8:30.

yesterday, wednesday, was godawful. i went to my grandmas instead of my dad's work, and about ten minutes after me and my little sister got dropped off someone decided it would be a fantastic idea to go get breakfast at waffle house. i poured over the menu. there was nothing on there that was low cal. then mia popped into my head. "it's loud, they'll never here you, this stuff is so easy to get up, and look, the bathrooms are just single rooms, no stalls and other people to worry about. it'll be fine, nikki." so i listened to here. two eggs, some toast, a waffle, a glass of orange juice and an order of hashbrowns later, i was in the bathroom puking my guts out. i cleaned up and came out and no one said a word. i thought the day would get easier after that, but it didn't. we made cookies all day, and i was so tempted by the dough sticking to my fingers, the aroma filling the house, but i resisted. i ate one cookie. out of the dozens upon dozens, i ate one. but i couldn't get out of lunch, or the popcorn my grandma brought in while me and my sister were watching tv. i ended up having another bad bulimic episode last night, and spent an hour on wii fit, pushing myself until the room started to spin.

you'd think as much as i've been throwing up and working out i would be losing weight. but no. of course not. because fate or god or whoever the hell is controlling my life hates me. i have gained weight every day. every single fucking day. i weigh myself five times a day now, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong. last night before i went to bed, after sweating out a good amount of water weight, i was 159. i REFUSE to go back in the 160s. i don't know what to do. i don't know what's happening. i was so close, i've gotten so close, to the 140s. what happened? i've been bloated lately and i don't know why. i'm praying and praying that it's just me getting my period soon but it's unlikely because i just had it a couple weeks ago and they're usually really far apart. i don't know why i'm bloated. i don't know why i'm gaining all this weight. all i know is that it makes me just want to crawl in a hole and hide from everything. all the food, the calories, the temptations.. i want to crawl in a hole and emerge a beautiful stick figure, like a butterfly from its crysalis. i've been wanting to cut so badly, craving it every single fucking day. i don't know what to do anymore. i feel like everything's slipping out of my hands, out of my control. i don't know how to get it back. part of me wants to die. i don't know. i just don't know.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

linkage, my birthday, and my family

first of all, check out the new link under "Useful Links." there's an online petition to protect our right to publish pro-ana online. i signed it, and so should all of you! so far it has about 13,000 signatures, but the more the better!

another link, i started a poetry memior blog. it's under a different alias because my friend adam knows about it, who can't find out i'm pro-ana, but i invite you all to subscribe! it'll show the more poetic side of me, and you can all see the other aspects of my life more. depression, bipolar disorder, family drama, etc. i'm still working on the layout and stuff, but here it is:

so today's my birthday. honestly, it's been a pretty typical day. i don't feel 16. i don't feel older at all. i just feel ...the same. i'm not getting my license, i'm pretty much the same weight as a year ago, i don't feel like anything's changed. the only difference is that i'm pro-ana now.

i had my u.s. history final, which i probably flunked, and my trig final before getting out of school at 10:40. i feel completely drained. i didn't throw up lunch, which is good and bad. it was a subway tuna sandwich, so at least it was low cal, and i loaded it with veggies like lettuce and tomatoes that make you absorb less fat. plus, i'm trying to kick the habit of mia anyway.

as far as ana goes, a couple stories. first of all, i've managed to lose weight even though i've eaten! i don't understand why, but hey, i'm not complaining :)

yesterday i hung out with my friend adam for the first time, who i met online 2 years ago and is now like a big brother to me. i know that in general that sounds like a bad situation, but if you knew the whole story you'd understand. plus, he's gay. what would have happened? haha. anyways, he took me to jack in the box (inside joke). i ordered two tacos and drank a diet coke. i think he noticed when i went to get a regular coke and then changed my mind, but he didn't say anything. he knows all about my eating disorder except for that i'm pro-ana. anyways, he's now one of the two people i've discovered i can eat in front of without having to hide an inner panic. we both ate, we talked, and i didn't worry at all. i was tempted to sneak off to the bathroom, but i knew he would stop me, and i really wanted the day to go well. he gets pretty pissed when he finds out that i've thrown up or that i haven't eaten. so i ate my two tacos and that satisfied him, and it was all i ate for the day, unbeknownst to him. today we were texting and i told him about a couple incidents with my grandma and he said: "i still can't figure that out [why my family is on my back so much about my weight]. Ur not fat. At all. 100% dead serious honest." i can't decide whether that's his actual opinion or just what he knew he should say. sometimes when people are so close to you, it's hard to tell.

so basically the incidents with my grandma were this:
when we were at subway: "i can't believe you got a foot long sandwich. you don't need to eat that much."
when i wanted to go for a walk in the woods (to smoke a cig heh heh): "you could go on the treadmill too. walking will do you some good.
and she's "just trying to help."
it floors me that my family doesn't understand how much it fucks with me when they make comments like this. if only they knew that that sandwich is the most i've eaten and kept when not on a compulsive binge. if only they knew i had half a mind to get rid of said sandwich via self-induced vomiting. if only they knew that i run a pro-ED blog and youtube account. they're oblivious, so i can't blame them, but it still hurts. and on my birthday of all days.

it's just been a down day...

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Monday, December 14, 2009

the birthday week plan

my birthday's wednesday. obviously, i am going to be stuck eating. so the goal this week is to at least maintain where i am right now, 153, and possibly lose weight. even though i'm trying to quit using mia as an excuse to eat, i realize that this week involves some of those circumstances where i really have no other choice. so i came up with a plan for the week:

today: tuna sandwich on toast (150 cals), small coffee (150 cals)
TUES: going out to lunch with my best friend, planning on just eating a small fry at jack in the box (it's the best i can do without being suspicious since he knows about my ED)
WED: bday lunch and dinner, purge whenever possible and DO NOT EAT other than these two meals
THURS: fast
FRI: small coffee in the morning to kick start metabolism, share food and eat lowest cals possible without being suspicious (popcorn and water, small ice cream)
SAT: fast
SUN: fast

wish me luck this week, girls! keep in mind this is my first winter with ana, so it's my first time trying to work dieting/fasting/purging around holiday dinners and my birthday plans. so i really need the support! lots of ana love to you all!

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Sunday, December 13, 2009

weed, flyleaf, and hayley williams

ugh. i don't think i am ever going to smoke weed ever again. yesterday me and molly smoked this week-old, really dank shit out of a home-made gatorade bottle bong. it tasted disgusting. my chest hurt. but i kept going, because i wanted the high. five minutes later i couldn't keep my head up or my eyes open and molly ended up making me walk around in her basement, just to make sure i could walk. she was about ready to call 911 twenty minutes later we were up the stairs and in her room. i blacked out at this point, i only remember bits and pieces but molly told me the rest of the story. i do remember we were in her room talking, and, (today is our one year, mind you) she told me that she's not sure if she's in love with me anymore. ouch. anyways, we were in her room for god knows how long before her sister and her sister's girlfriend got home from the mall (yeah, her sister's a lesbian, molly's just bi tho. don't bother asking which i am cuz honestly idk haha). we went to subway. the girl making the sandwiches was getting really pissed off and could probably tell i was high because i couldn't stand up or keep my eyes open. i felt better after i ate, my stomach wasn't woozy anymore (never getting high on an empty stomach again, for sure...). i don't remember anything after that point. i was so tired i just kept laying on molly's shoulder with my eyes closed. we went to her uncle's house and sat on the couch for a long time before her, her cousin and her cousin's gf all wanted to smoke. so we all went in her cousin's friend's car and drove up the street and they smoked but i didn't. just the smell was making me sick. thank god when i got home i was home alone, so my parents wouldn't smell it on me or catch on that i was coming off being stoned as a motherfucker. but the terrible thing is, i had the munchies so bad all day i ate myself up 2lbs. i'd probably be able to flush away most of it if i had some laxies but I FUCKING DON'T. i am so pissed about this weight gain. i was supposed to be in the 140s by today. so much for that. UGH. my birthday's wednesday and there's no chance now i'll be in the 140s by then. dammit.

have you guys ever heard "penholder" by flyleaf? i think it really relates to ana. there's one verse in particular that really relates to me, personally:

"i know what perfection is like,
but i cannot stand before its might,
and i am so far from what you think that i must be,
i just drown myself in mercy..."

i try so hard to reach perfection,
but i never get there.
i'm never good enough for anybody, even my girlfriend, who says i've changed since we started going out and it's making her fall out of love with me.
and i'm always too lenient on myself when it comes to dieting.

well this week is going to be different. i was doing so good last week until thursday, when i started thinking "oh, if i lost a pound and a half after eating nachos with molly on wednesday, surely i'll still lose weight if i eat lunch today and friday too." UGH. damn bulimia is making me too hungry all the time. it's gotten to the point that i have tiny scabs on my knuckles. i need to drop this. i need to use mia only in emergencies where i can't get out of eating, not as an excuse to break fasts and be a fucking pig.

on the plus side, i've found some new thinspiration. i'm not usually big on celeb thinspo but here it is, hayley williams from paramore:


Friday, December 11, 2009


in german class today, everyone brought in food for our "weihnacht party" (christmas party). panera bread bagels, croissants, nutella, cookies, orange juice, pumpkin bread... needless to day, i ate a little bit of everything. and, needless to say, i set of to dispose of it in the bathroom.

everything was going fine. but halfway through, i heard footsteps. there is no doubt that who ever she was, she heard me.

i panicked. i didn't know what to do except clean myself up, flush, and bolt. i pray that she didn't recognize the purple knock-off uggs on my feet.

i came back into the classroom with a bright red knuckle and a composed smile. no one said a word.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Psychology of Ana - Metabolism and the Set Point

in my psychology class we have been learning about emotion and motivation. one component of that is hunger: what drives us to eat? there's a lot of biological components, brain parts and hormones that we can't really control. but i have discovered a theory we can manipulate, and it's really opened my eyes as to why i keep plateauing just a few pounds away from my starting weight. it's called the "set point."

your "set point" is the weight that your body tries to maintain, by increasing or decreasing your metabolism. if a person gains weight, but makes no changes other than diet, their body will increase metabolism so they loose the weight. that's why recovering anas balloon before settling down to a "normal" weight. but here's the part that applies to us right now: if a person loses weight, the body will slow the metabolism, causing the person to gain back the weight even if they are eating less.

so how do we override this automatic reaction? EXERCISE! many pro-anas think that fasting or purging is the "short cut" to get around exercise. if you keep this mentality, you'll only plateau or gain back the weight. even when you're running on nothing, exercise is the key to keep losing. any little bit helps. scientific studies have shown that people who fidget throughout the day weigh less than people who don't. fidget, stand up as much as possible, pace your room, every calorie counts (both in AND out).

so if you're at a plateau or gaining, it's probably your body trying to maintain that set point, and the only way to overcome that is to be more active and have a higher energy output.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

worst week ever.

here i am, standing on the floor. it keeps bending and cracking under my weight. any second, it is going to break, and i am going to fall.

that is my life.

i have never been so stressed for so long. i'm overwhelmed. completely. i am drowning in all of this. i have a 4-person psychology project due friday that i am doing alone and am barely 1/5 of the way through. on top of this, i have a busy schedule with band practices and concerts, other homework, fuck, i even have to squeeze showers into my schedule this week. fasting is hard because with all the anxiety i just want to eat. i chew gum, and it helps a bit, but not nearly enough. i stole an idea from my friend anna who also has an eating disorder (but she doesn't know the extent of mine, nor is she pro-ana, nor does she know i'm pro-ana): she eats one snack a day, in 3rd hour. i have that class with her, and our little corner always brings food. rather than be tempted to eat everyone elses cookies, i sit back and enjoy a little back of baked cheetoes, 130 cals. it's enough to satisfy my mind for a few hours, and it keeps me from being tempted by worse foods. unfortunately, i don't have time to exercise, and over the weekend i gained back 4lbs.

i don't have time to exercise, i don't have the energy to purge, the only solution is to fast. and i'm going 'til saturday morning when i see molly. no. fucking. excuses. "you may as well be thin while all the crap flies around you." that's my motto this week.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Sunday, December 6, 2009


i was walking around in kohl's when i got a random text from molly.
Her: "Question."
Me: "Yes?"
Her: "Will you go back out with me?"

the butterflies are still flying all around in my stomach.. :)

Saturday, December 5, 2009

from later that day on december 2nd...

Me: "Truth or dare?"
Her: "Truth."
Me: "Do you want to have your feelings back for me?"
Her: "Idk."
Me: "Why???"
Her: "Cuz they already r................."
Me: "?????? are they really??"
Her: "R they?"

still no answers.


from december 2nd...

so yeah, i made a new blog. hopefully this one will work...

things with molly (my ex/i dont' even know) are so complicated. she's still in love with me. she still hugs me and kisses me and holds my hand. she still says "i love you." but she doesn't know if she wants me back. today she wrote me this really sweet note in our notebook we pass back and forth and she talked about all the things she misses about me and us but she says her emotions are all mixed up. after school she told me that she wants to go out with this chick lauren, who she kissed a few weeks ago and they both have crushes on eachother. she says that if she goes out with her she thinks her feelings will come back because it would "kill her to not be able to kiss me and hold me anymore." i don't know what's going on. i don't know what's going to happen.

i'm not even trying to fast anymore. i just have no interest in eating. i am now 149.5. i made it into the range i've been waiting for for so long and i couldn't even react to it or be happy about it because i'm so dead inside over the break up. because she doesn't want me. i came so close to killing myself the other night. i stole a bottle of muscle relaxers from our kitchen, leftovers from when my mom was having jaw pains. the bottle's still hidden in my room and i don't know if i want to use them. i could swallow them all and everything would go away. but i don't want to die without her. i just don't know anymore.

have you ever seen the movie "the notebook?" i feel like noah. left behind writing love letters every day and going crazy and still building allie's dreamhouse even though she's gone, hoping that one day she'll come back, because i know we're meant to be. never giving up. i swore to her a long time ago that i'd never let go. and even though i broke my swear not to cut myself again, this is a swear i know i am going to keep.

we used to talk about growing old together. we'd picked out names for our kids and the only thing we knew about our futures was that we were going to be sharing a future together. all those plans, all those dreams have been left behind in the dust to be blown away by her soft lips. nothing matters anymore. i can't eat because my stomach feels sick all the time. i can't sleep because all i can do at night is cry knowing she's not mine anymore. i always told her "all i want to be when i grow up is yours" and now that might not happen. and it kills me. every day i die a little more inside and the pain takes over me a little more. i literally feel like there is an empty space in my chest where half my heart used to be, the half that she took away. how long can a person go living with half a heart, carrying all this pain, before they completely shatter? how long can a person be alive feeling so dead inside?

the worst part is that i brought this all on myself. she told me that i've changed and she's right. i turned into a bitch. and i think the change happened when i started sinking into my eating disorder. i'm not giving up ana, but i need to change back to the nikki that she fell in love with last year. i became a bitch. selfish. unable to think before i did or said something stupid. saturday morning, the breakup, was just the kick in the ass i needed to realize that, and i changed in a snap. the only difference between me now and last year is that i'm so unhappy. i feel like i need her to come save me again. i remember the first night we spent together after she asked me out. she took off my bracelets, wanting to see my scars. she touched them, looked at them, and then did the most amazing thing - the thing i'd always wanted someone to do but had never told her about - she kissed my arm. i almost cried i was so happy. and i feel like i'm in that place again. like i'm so desolate and i need her to come back into my life and save me again.

i don't know how to win her back. i don't know how to make her realize that we're meant to be and that if she comes back i'll make her happier than ever, and i'll be everything she's ever wanted me to be. i don't know how to make her fall in love with me all over again. i don't know who i am without her. i don't know anything anymore except that i'm in love with her, that i am in pain, and that i want her back. every time i see a star it's all i wish for, her. when my birthday rolls around in a couple weeks, i'll blow out my candles to her. everything i do is in effort to get her back. she's all i want. the only thing i want. the only thing i need.

last night i went through the box i have of everything she's ever given to me or momentos of us. notes she wrote, pictures she colored (she has this cute little thing about crayons and coloring... sounds stupid but i've always found it adorable), movie ticket stubs, all that jazz. there's even a ketchup packet in there from an inside joke we had. i read every note and taped her pictures all over my walls. i read our first notebook, the one we started before we were even going out. i read the note i wrote to her the day she asked me out. i read the note she wrote me for our one month, the one where she said "waking up with you next to me is like breakfast in bed!" lol. we were so adorable when we first started going out. maybe we got too serious. i dunno. people always told us how cute we were. we have half of eachother's closets, on valentine's day last year she bought me a bouquet of roses and put one fake on in and said "i'll love you til the last one dies," we used to walk down the creek at my house and sit on this one particular rock and just cuddle and listen to the water, we carved our names in a tree... we have all these special moments together and i feel like they're all just getting thrown away.

well i think i've been babbling long enough... i just have so much on my mind. sorry this has been so depressing... i just felt like sharing.

ana love to you all

commenting should work now, update

i messed around with the comment settings and you guys should be able to post comments now. i'm gonna delete the other blog now that it works.

okay girls, i really need your advice. me and my gf/ex/whatever it is now (let's just call her molly) are cool now, but not together. she came over yesterday and spent the night and we cuddled and talked and just had an awesome time, and she officially told me that she IS going to come back, just not right now, because of the whole situation with the other girl lauren. she's talking to lauren tonight, so she'll probably figure that part out then. so we're good now, i'm still getting her a one year present and everything, and i think things will get better from here.

but here's the part i need advice on. two incidents happened. first, thursday night we were playing truth or dare and i asked her what she would do if i went anorexic. she said "i would be pissed." "why?" "cuz it's dumb.." okay then... and last night she told me she wouldn't be able to date me if i was skinny. she said she loves my body the way it is now, and if i got thin there would be nothing to hold on to. i don't understand it. i think when she's laying down and her hip bones stick out a little it's really sexy. she's the opposite. i don't get what she sees... anyway, this brings me to a crossroad. what do i do? do i just use ana to get to a healthy weight and then stop? do i wait until she says i'm getting too thin? do i go all the way to 110 no matter what? do i get underweight and sick so she'll never let go? do i leave her behind in the quest for flawlessness? i really don't know what to do. i haven't weighed in since thursday night, and have been eating since yesterday morning. i want to do a five-day fast starting tomorrow, but i really don't know what to do in the long run. thoughts? advice? please, i need you guys.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Monday, November 30, 2009

god damn fucking technology

i'll post a long update abt the goings on in my life later, when i have more time.

just wanted to let you all know i'm going to open another blog soon since the comments aren't working on this one. it'll be, if all goes according to plan. don't click that link btw, idk how to get rid of it. the long update will probably go on the new blog.

and no, i'm not okay.. the only thing getting me by is the satisfaction of knowing i'm closer to my point of no return with every day this lack of appetite brings my weight down, down, down.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

dead inside

last night i cut myself 20 times.
every time i pushed harder and harder.
wanted to see more and more blood.

i just want her back.
i want her to whisper in my ear,
"i love you,"
and sound like she means it.

i don't know how much longer i can hold together
all the fragile, taped together pieces of me,
hiding behind a fake smile,
before i completely fall apart...

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Friday, November 27, 2009

drunken confessions, 140s in 6 days, and a poison in my head

i've been hearing from ppl that the layout i had wasn't letting you guys comment, so i changed it to a blogger default. when i have more time i'll mess around with it and find something a little less boring, haha. anyways, you should be able to comment now.

i added a couple songs to the playlist, "to be loved" by papa roach, a couple staind songs and "over and over" by three days grace. enjoy!

thanksgiving went okay, i purged most of dinner and had a small piece of pumpkin pie. overall, i think i did pretty good as far as eating goes.

unfortunately my gf got drunk and told me that she has a crush on the girl she kissed last weekend (even though she just officially asked me back out and ended our "break" tuesday), and that she's been losing feelings for me. this makes me feel that: i am not enough, there is something these other ppl have that i don't and that's why she keeps crushing on other ppl, and that if i wither away she'll want me and only me. hence the knew plan: i am going to get into the 140s range by next saturday, no excuses. today i plan on eating only once at my gf's house, dinner, and after that i'm fasting until next friday when i'll hang out with her again. that's 6 days, the furthest i'll have ever gone. anyone wanna join me? wish me luck girls.

i honestly think i'm bipolar. i keep swinging from tired and numb to a manic high to angry for no reason to so depressed i can't hardly move. it's ridiculous. i don't know what to do... i can't just go to my parents and say "i'm fucked up, i need pills, i need a diagnosis, i need a shrink." when they found out i was cutting myself they didn't even set me up with a counselor, so why would it be different now? my friend erica takes prozac and her mom never keeps track of her pills, sometimes she'll take five at a time. i'm really tempted to ask her if i can have some.. but my gf would kill me if she found out. she's absolutely against me taking pills.

but what's worse, me taking pills, or me so fucked up i sit there in bed shaking with a knife in my hand for an hour on the phone with zack, who's desperately trying to convince me not to drag it across my skin?

i used to be like this all the time. i'd have insane mood swings lasting anywhere from five minutes to hours to days. i heard voices. there was even one incident where i thought that the light in my room was going to kill me. then when i started dating molly it all went away. but i feel like it's coming back, like i'm relapsing, like something is taking over my head and i can't stop the poison from spreading. i am out of control of my own mind. it's divided into two parts, this cancer and the little part of the real me that's left somewhere. but that little part can't fight off the rest.

i am determined and happy, depressed and emotionless all at the same time. and its taking all my energy away...

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

new email, youtube, and facebook

hey, everyone. i've switched to a new email address for all my ana stuff. if you've been emailing me under the punkchick14 account you can still do that, but if you haven't emailed me yet please do so at

i've also started a new youtube account, xxLettersFromAnaxx, to put up thinspo videos, and maybe eventually some original pro-ana songs. you can check out my first one here.

also, friend me on facebook! just click the link on my sidebar. i'll start a pro ana group soon, once i have some friends.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

a dark place

that's what i'm in.

saturday i cut myself 3 times, burned myself, and tried to get drunk off mouthwash.

i'm all fucked up inside. it's as simple as that.

i cannot remember the last time i went a day without throwing up. my average is 2-3 times a day now. full on bulimia.

nor can i remember the last time i smiled without faking it, the last day i went without crying, the last time, for just a moment, that i felt truely, truely happy.

i have no friends. i'm a freak. a loner. broken. unwanted. unloved.

i want to numb the pain away. just starve myself into a withering mess. because if i'm going to be a mess, i may as well be thin.

how is it possible to feel this sad?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The 3-Step Program for Ana

My passion is BACK! I feel so light and in control, and I love it! A lot of what helped was organizing all the things I did during my 5 day fast into words in my journal. I soon realized it's like an Ana Step-By-Step Program! lol. So I went ahead and typed it up, just for all you ladies. Enjoy!

Everyone knows those thinspo sites, we’ve all browsed through them and many of us still do. We pore over those lists of tips, and a lot of times it ends up repeating the same tips over and over on every website. It’s about time somebody came up with something new. And that’s exactly what I’ve done. So here it is, my 3 Step “Program” for the perfect fasting plan. :)
Step 1: Initial Motivation– Find a reason to fast. SPECIFIC for this fast. Maybe you got in a fight with your bf/gf and you want to get back at them, or you think getting skinny will solve all your relationship issues. Maybe you want the praise from your parents. Whatever it is, think of it. The key is to make it specific, not just “I want to be skinny” or “I hate how I look” or something like that. Gear it towards what’s going on in your life. I take out all my stressors on it. Fight with my gf? Lose weight to stop the fighting. Mom calls me fat? I’ll show her.

Step 2: Creating Your Plan – I would suggest writing out your plan in your ana diary, food journal, or wherever you want. But PHYSICALLY write it, don’t type it out. Whenever you physically write things they are stuck in your head more, more committed to memory (it’s the same reason teachers may tell you not to change your answer on a multiple choice – your body wrote it down for a reason). You need your goal, your plan, and your motto.
  • The goal could be how much weight you want to lose by a certain date, or in a certain amount of time, or maybe you want to stretch how long you can make it on a fast. The plan is exactly that – your plan. What you’re allowed to eat or drink, when and how much you exercise (even better – plan out your exercise routine too).
  • Also plan out your rewards. A daily reward is really effective. A good way to do it is to eat something bite sized or 50 cals or under right before you go to bed for every day you successfully stick to your plan. Or, let yourself get a coffee or low-carb energy drink in the morning if you've lost weight after a successful day. I know, eating to motivate yourself to lose weight? It's not as crazy as you'd think. Food is naturally a GREAT reinforcer for behavior because our bodies, by biology, want food. Reward yourself with food and you'll get in the mindset to stick to your plan very fast.
  • Your motto is a great motivator. Come up with something creative, or use a new thinspo quote (check out the new Quote of the Week section in my sidebar). Make sure it's empowering. My latest one was "Let's raise some hell." It reflected that fire inside me, that angry determination, and it got me through all five days with a lot of ease.
Step 3: Sticking to It - I don't know if i invented this or if I've just never seen it on an ana site before, but I call it "Self-Thinspiration." It's where you motivate yourself to stick to your plan, not with other people (thinspo pictures, quotes, songs) but with yourself.
     Here's a couple ways I've come up with doing it:
  • Self-Thinspiring Pictures - stand in front of the mirror with your camera, wearing either a tight cami or just your bra. Stretch up your arms as HIGH  as you can. This stretches your whole torso, and makes you look slimmer from the side, right? Take a picture of yourself, side view. I just fumbled with stretching one arm and keeping my shoulder up of my other arm and took the picture, but your cameras probably have timers you could set. See that picture over there? that's me, last week, all stretched up. I look NOTHING LIKE THAT in reality.
  • Text Yourself - Every night right before you go to sleep, text up a little note to motivate yourself for the next day (POSITIVE encouragement) and congratulate yourself for what you did right that day. Sign it "Love, Ana." Text it to yourself and don't open it. Then in the morning, open it. Read it. Even though you already know what it says, reading it will motivate you right off the bat in the morning.
The Self-Thinspiration thing is still a work in progress, and I'll probably add more to it as time comes on and I come up with more ideas. If you guys wanna throw any ideas out there, just post it on my blog or email me (

Lots of ana love to you all!

Stay strong, think thin, live ana

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

dear diary...

since i havent been on much and a lot has been going on, here are some excerpts from my actual diary to let you all know what's been going down.

after being forced into a cheese tortellini dinner with lord knows how many calories and no chance of purging, i am angry. after going down to 155, i am now 159.5 because of my damn eating. fuck food. fuck hunger. i am so determined. i am going to win.

my goal: to lose as much weight as possible this week

my plan: half a small coffee in the morning or less before giving the rest away, OR a 20 cal monster OR tea; 3 diet pills before 2nd hour; one piece of leftover bite size halloween candy for every successful fasting day

my motto: let's raise some hell

the diet pills. it's a love/hate relationship. i hate them because by 7th hour i feel like i'm going to die, like something is inside my intestines ripping everything to pieces. but i love them because they help me lose. they are worth the pain.

every day fasting just gets easier and easier..

i told zack that i haven't eaten since saturday. minutes later, to my shock, he was calling me. we've never talked on the phone before. he asked me if i was at least drinking water. the concern and worry in his voice was making me want to cry. no one's ever cared like that. even my gf will just say "it's nothing to get upset about, you'll be fine, stop crying," when i'm upset. but zack? god... all i can say is that his voice during that call will be forever stuck in my head. the only thing i lied about was almost passing out this morning, because i didn't want to hurt him any more than i already had. he convinced me to eat something and i had a mini bag of pretzels, 50 cals, which would have been my fasting reward anyway. we both won. sort of.

he's to me like paul is to kat, if any of you read quest for perfection. even though there's no romantic interest involved in my case, he's the one person who knows, cares, keeps tabs on me, and who i absolutely cannot lie to. but i need to. everyone needs to think i'm losing the healthy way. the only thing he doesn't know about is the blog, that i am pro ana, that i am more determined than ever to make myself sick. beautifully, elegantly sick.

my fast is over, and i am down 6.5 lbs from when i started. i literally was jumping around my room this morning when i saw 153 on the scale.

i brought a baggie of cereal and ate it in front of zack in band first hour, because a college quintet had come to play and we all got to sit with our friends and listen. when zack sat down he asked how i was feeling, and i said good. i was grateful we were sitting in the very back, where i could eat my cereal without feeling 200 pairs of eyes searing into my fat back. zack seemed happy to see i was eating.

it was really odd though. every time i ate, i didn't feel like eating. i would take a few reluctant bites before giving or throwing the rest away. nothing tasted right. 

the really odd part? i was with my gf after school til 9. all i ate was a small salad. she didn't say a word.

every time i'm confronted with food, i cannot get my head in the game. i keep eating lunch, eating dinner, things i used to never do, because they were such easy meals to get out of. but then at night, i put myself through exercise hell, doing the following routine 5 times:

-20 crunches
-20 side leg raises, laying on right side and raising left leg about a foot

-15 push ups
-20 side leg raises, laying on left side and raising right leg about a foot

-20 leg lifts (lay on back, sit on hands, raise both legs with feet together about a foot off the ground)

i just keep doing it in cycles until my body caves. and even though i've been purging dinner every night, of the 3 lbs i gained saturday from eating (up to 156 now) i have only lost 1 (now at 155).

i hate this.

Today: it was an early release day and we got out at 12:35. i was planning on lying to my friends and saying i was eating lunch at home, and lying to my parents and saying i had eaten lunch at school. fool proof right? it would have been if it wasn't for my damn hunger. i ate nachos. WTF. then i freaked out. the class after lunch, i asked to go to the bathroom. luckily my teacher is very laid back and either didn't notice or didn't care how long it took me. the first bathroom i went to had people in it, so i left. i walked to a different part of the building and prayed that the second bathroom i tried would be empty. it was. i covered my red knuckle with my sleeve and went back to class with a smirk on my face.

then when i got to the car, my grandma was picking me up, and said she was taking me out to lunch. i went, i ate, i had a good time, and as soon as i came home i threw up. and threw up and threw up and threw up. until my stomach was so empty it tasted to foul to stand.

i feel so much more in control. purging makes me feel so light, so empty.

but at the same time, there is guilt. last night i told zack i hadn't purged at all that day (right before i went in the shower and purged up a soft pretzel). he told me if i went the rest of the week he would buy me a present.

then again, what's a few white lies compared to the glory of thin?

i'll be updating as much as possible through the month. next time i get a chance i have some interesting thoughts i jotted down about ana and religion. should spur some discussion, since none of you all ever comment :'(

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

another update

i'm going to have so much to say when i get back. so much shit is going down in regards to both my ED and other aspects of my life. i'm losing motivation. sure, i've been throwing up at least twice a day routinely. sure, i've been exercising the hell out of myself and freezing myself at night. but am i seeing results? no. i went up 4 lbs after one day of gluttony, and so far only one of them has come off.

i feel like shit. seeing 41 followers now on my page makes me want to get back in gear, back in the ana mindset, but i'm so tired. i need that fire, that angry, raging motivation. i need it back. i miss it.

ana love to you all

stay strong, think thin, live ana

P.S.: if i've emailed any of you my number, feel free to text me any time. talking to another ana will probably help me out of my slump. and if you wanna become text or email buddies, shoot me an email at

Saturday, November 14, 2009

yes, i'm still alive

sorry i've disappeared! i've been grounded from the computer cuz of my cell phone bill, still am, so i won't be on much til next month. i'm keeping a diary though, lots to say when i'm officially back! a big shout out to all my new followers, i can't believe i've gotten 19 more in the couple weeks i've been gone! i've been getting emails too about email/texting buddies. i prefer texting buddies because i always have my phone, but email buddies are welcome too as long as you keep in mind i can't check my email as often as my phone. lots of ana love to you all! stay strong!

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

i don't know why i trust him so much

on the way back from a band trip over the weekend, i confided in z. me and him have talked about relationship stuff before, but never anything as deep as what i told him. i don't even know how we got on the subject, but it started with telling him how self concious i am. then how guilty i get over food. then that i used to be a really bad bulimic.

he was simply a concerned friend. a good friend. he didn't want to rat me out. he asked me if i still struggled with it and i told him yes. yesterday, i admitted to him that i threw up my grandma's homemade gooey buttercake. "i couldn't handle it," i said. "was the buttercake fully digested?" he asked. "no."

and i felt confident in telling z. he asked if i ate anything healthy to replenish myself, and i lied and said yes. (i had a couple sips of broccoli soup before trashing the rest, so it's not a total lie...) he made sure i was drinking water, offered to write me a workout routine, which he handed me today. a general workout, a core/chest workout, and a legs/arms workout. complete with his personal tips (which included, of course "eat 3 meals a day"), an inspirational quote, and a personal message from himself, advising me not to hurt myself and to come to him with any questions or concerns.

it's nice knowing he cares about me. it's nice to know that he won't tell my gf. it's nice to know that someone actually cares that i'm slowly destroying myself.

but it kills me to imagine the look on his face when all that is left of me is a brittle, beautiful shell.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Friday, October 23, 2009


reading some blogs, i've noticed that a lot of my fellow anas i used to aspire to be, are now starting to abandon ana for good. if you're one of those girls reading this right now, i'm not angry with you, i'm not shunning you, i'm just... observing a trend. the thing is, i DON'T want to change, and i miss the support. i miss having those strong anas to look up to that i have now turned to books to find. i miss being able turn to an actual human being for advice when confronted with a sticky food situation. i miss talking to actual human being who follows the same lifestyle as me, who doesn't think that ana is a horrible, horrible disease. i miss the support.

however, i've noticed another trend. i've been getting a lot more followers and i wanna give a shoutout to you all. even if i don't subscribe back, i do check out your blogs now and then, and i really appreciate my fans!

well, here's my updates: i've been sick, which has made it harder to starve (because my body is craving the energy to fight off these stupid germs) and impossible to purge (sore throat + stomach acid = bad plan.). despite this, i've restricted enough this week (allowing myself only liquid calories to sooth my throat and veggies to fight the germs). this has been enough to lose a little, and after skipping lunch today i feel even lighter. who knows, maybe i'm finally back to the 150s! surely by sunday i will be. tonight i'm forced to eat at a big family dinner (which should be interesting considering my grandma and mom hate eachother atm), but tomorrow my marching competition is timed PERFECTLY to excuse me from eating the whole day.

my dad might be back on the night shift next week, meaning i won't be able to get online as often because i have no internet at home, meaning i won't be able to post as often. but i will get on whenever i can and update you all :)

wish me luck, girls!

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Monday, October 19, 2009

Dear Nikki,

THE FUCK is wrong with you? all this hard work, all these days of starvation and these nights shivering under your sheets with the fan on full blast above you, everything wasted. how many times have you beaten yourself senseless, telling yourself how stupid you are for eating? how many times have you lost all this weight only to gain it right back? you just keep making excuses. well i'm not taking any of your crap. don't try to bull shit me because i'll throw it all in your face. you're a coward. you're WEAK. i give you everything and you give me nothing back...

i'm sorry. i'm so hard on you. i made you throw up that one tiny cookie this morning in german class, even though it tasted so strongly of acid, even though you already have a cough and sore throat. i just see such a bright future for you, for us. i want you to make it, nikki, but you're running out of time. every day counts now, if you want to make it to your december goal. please, nikki, i'm begging you, just stop eating. just stop!

love, ana

Thursday, October 15, 2009

"scale, scale, on the floor, please be less than before..."

after having such bad luck throughout the day today, this mantra played through my head as soon as i got a chance to weigh in. after god knows how long of being stuck at that damn plateau, i am down two lbs since yesterday! this just showed me, proved to me, that all my hard work and self-deprivation really does make a difference. despite the plateau, every day stepping on the scale only to slap the same discouraging number in my face, i kept going. i was persistant. determined. and it all paid off. to make things even better, this was my weight after taking a shower, with the towel on my head. so i probably weigh even less. only the morning weigh in will tell...

i'm so happy right now. after so many things going wrong today, this completely turned things around. i can't help but just smile :)

i made my ana bracelet last night too! maybe it's good luck, considering that the day after i put it on i finally broke that plateau. it's adorable. i'll post a picture as soon as i can!

i'd also like to give a shoutout to my new texting buddy. you can check out her blog here: we have a lot in common and i'm looking forward to talking more! remember, i'm always looking for new buddies :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

And She Falls Again....

i woke up determined not to eat. i planned out all my excuses. then at lunch it all went to hell. it turns out, when i thought i had the third lunch session today because of Pre-SAT testing, i had the first lunch with my gf. which means: i had to eat. i ate veggie soup. which hopefully didn't have much in it. still.

then i went to my gf's after school. she made quesadillas and insisted i eat one too.

fuck my life.

when i got home, i decided to make some velveeta mac n cheese for a little mia-fest, even though i probably didn't deserve it. i guess i was so pissed at myself for not purgeing all the other shit i put down my throat today that i needed to purge SOMETHING. i went to make a box to share with my little sis when my mom (the whale) pipes up from the living room, "you shouldn't eat that whole box. it's too many calories for just one person."

"i'm sharing with D," i snapped. "i'm not eating it all by myself. besides, it's dairy. calcium. and it's freezing in here. if you'd turn the heat up i wouldn't be craving so many carbs."

she shut up after that.

if only she fucking knew how much that little snide comment triggered me. i put butter and milk in it just to spite her. and when my little sister didn't finish her plate i ate that too. then i went in my room and up it all came until i could taste the quesadilla from hours earlier. all the time thinking, "i'll show you, you fat bitch."

ana's voice has been playing in my head, pleading to come back to her and stay. i've been reading a book called skinny, and it's really thinspiring me. the author's voice is so poetic, and the story and emotions portrayed are so real. i relate to giselle, the anorexic character, so much. she's under the pressure of getting high grades and a parent who doesn't love her. she doesn't just want to be thin, she wants to show the world how sick she is in her mind by making herself look sick on the outside, too.

i'm ruining myself. i'm ruining all my plans. screw eating. screw taste. screw what my gf thinks when i turn down a bite. i've had it. no more excuses. NO MORE EXCUSES.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Back to Fasting

i forgot how good fasting feels. that invincible, light feeling. that little smile that creeps on my face when i stand up too fast and i know why the ground is spinning. my stomach was screaming in the morning, "give me coffee! give me a poptarts! please, i'm begging you, just give me something!" but i denied every request, and by the afternoon it had given up. my friend m who forces half her lunch on me every day just got suspended for up to 50 days so lunch will be a breeze now. there's a lot less obstacles in my way now, and i'm taking full advantage of it.

today's intake was water, gum, and tea. total calories: less than five. i'd call that a successful day.

i didn't get a chance to weigh myself before i took a shower, but with all the water i was at 164, so i'm at least a pound under that. maybe more, since the towel was still on my head.

i'm going to fast through friday, when i'm going to my girlfriend's house. and even then i'm going to test myself and see how little i can eat. saturday is a marching competition where my only food options are concession stand junk, so i'll probably try to avoid eating at all. fake a stomach ache. sunday, i'll allow myself 500 healthy calories to boost my metabolism before the fasting cycle starts again on monday.

wish me luck, guys! i really feel like i'm gonna make it!

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Monday, October 12, 2009

Purges and Plateaus

Well, ever since last week when I purged my dinner, I’ve been purging every day. It’s addictive. I befriended mia long before ana, so it’s a lot easier to fall into that trap. The thing is, I don’t want purging to take over me. Starvation is control. Binging and purging is losing control and fixing the mistake. Cheating. But lately, mia has been in complete control of me. I’ve thrown up so much lately that I’ve noticed my gag reflex isn’t as sensitive as it used to be, and this morning my gums started bleeding. Last night was particularly bad - while all the other purges have been cleansing myself of calories, last night was episodic.

I’d already thrown up that morning when I was surprised with a burger king breakfast promptly after rolling out of bed. It’s been getting easier every day, the throwing up thing. It used to be, I’d procrastinate a few minutes before I finally did it, and then I was fine. I’m the same way with taking showers. I piddle around getting undressed and checking my face and making mental notes in the mirror before I finally step under that warm waterfall. Now, when I throw up, it’s easy. Normal. Routine. Until last night anyway…

We went to long john silver’s for dinner. I ate fried everything, because I knew I was going to throw it all up anyway. When I got to my room, I’d just fixed up a plastic bag in my little trash can when mom passed by and told me to keep my door open.

I exploded.

I was raging. Storming around my room, desperate to get rid of the thousands of calories I’d just consumed. I’d almost given up when I decided, “Fuck it,” and closed my door. If the Wench complained, I’d tell her I was getting changed. I knew I had to be fast, so I just dove into it. And I was so angry, full of rage, full of all the stressors that have been consuming me for weeks. I’ll use three words to describe the episode: angry, violent, and rapidfire. I didn’t even pause between heaves to take a breath, just one right after the other until my stomach was empty.

Afterwards I was dizzy. My vision was blurred from my watery eyes. I felt out of control.

I am not going my eating disorder control me. The whole reason I turned to ana in the first place was to feel like I’d gained control. So no more routine purging. Am I still going to do it occasionally? Absolutely. But not to the point where I’m a full on bulimic again. A few days ago, I wanted to see blood. Because I’m always trying to push myself to the limits. Well, that’s the wrong limit to push. I want to push the numbers on the scale, down down down, until no one can ignore the new, skinny me.

Of course, that won’t happen if I can’t get over my FIRST PLATEAU. Fuck my life. I’ve never plateaued before. I’m always yo-yoing. I guess this is all part of my induction into ana. Just another obstacle that I have to get over. And I will get over it. By the end of this week, I hope to be 159.5, 4lbs under what I am now. It’s doable, especially with all the extra marching practices and performances (which is EXERCISE!) I have this week. Double that with some easy fasting thanks to my appetite-suppressing stress levels, and I’m all set.

The fall of that scale number is one of the few things that keeps me happy anymore. Along with all my supporters. I appreciate all of you guys that are reading my blog! And remember, I’m always looking for texting buddies. Email me at if you’re interested. You wouldn’t believe how much talking to a fellow ana helps me get by.

Stay strong, think thin, live ana

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Running on Empty

remember that song i posted a while back? it's been stuck in my head all day today. it's so empowering. maybe i'll start a myspace music account just for all my ana music, to thinspire you all :)

the whole song's about keeping ana your empowering little secret, letting everyone watch you disappear without having a clue what's going on. it's about the power of the secrecy that comes with ana. it's pro-ana, specifically, because it specifically mentions not wanting help. "i'm running on empty, let me disappear, let everybody see me now, i don't need saving, i don't need you."

well i'm running on empty. and i fucking love it.

i forgot how much i enjoyed fasting, the powerful feeling i get when i say no, that wonderful sensation of lightheadedness, the light feeling of an empty stomach. it's like a drug to me. and i just want more more more.

wish me luck, ladies. :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Back in Full Swing

this'll be a quickie, but i don't know when i'll be able to post again so i just thought i'd let you all know that the darkness has lifted! after all that bingeing, i weighed 165.5 right after a shower, which means after the water leaves i'll weigh less in the morning, and still have time to make it down to my weekly goal weight with a two-day water fast tomorrow and thursday. what happened to boost my spirit? i purged. in a public bathroom. in a restaurant. and came back to the table with my knuckle glaring red, my eyes still watery, and a smile on my face. crisis averted, storm cleared: ladies, i am BACK! :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana

why do i always make the same mistakes?

these were my thoughts yesterday: "i will not eat. i will not eat. i will not eat. i will not... oh, we're going to mcdonald's?"

MCDONALD'S IS FOR FAT PEOPLE!!!! and oh, this is the best part... i ate it, not once, but TWICE. once at my girlfriend's, where i should have said i'd be eating at home, and once at home, where i should've said i'd already eaten. have i really strayed so far, have i really gone so far without fasting, that i can't resist the SAME FOOD for the SECOND TIME in ONE DAY?

furious with myself, i planned to water fast today, and to freeze myself. well that went to hell. i definately froze this morning; i was wearing shorts to marching band and i could see my breath in front of me. but... i binged. i had lunch with my girlfriend, like every wednesday, but i forgot about that. lunch came and she begged me to buy a soup and breadbowl so we could share, because she didn't have any lunch money. so i did. all those horrendous calories, fat, and carbs. fuck.

"well," i thought, "i did freeze myself pretty well this morning on top of marching-workout, and i'm not going to eat anything else today, so it'll all be okay."

when i got in the car, my grandma announced that we're going out to eat tonight. FML. thank god tonight's a shower night, i'll purge it all up when i get home. i'm looking forward to the release. but when i'm supposed to be fasting, i feel like it's cheating when i binge and purge. and i can't just get a salad because the dressing is so many calories and it's still not fasting and you can't throw up that stuff.

then again, maybe this is what i need. a really good, filling meal to satisfy that psychological hunger. after living off junk food, fast food and hotel food all weekend on my band trip, maybe this is exactly what i need. i'll fill up with good food, throw it up to relieve my stress (which is also probably contributing to this whole stupid "hungry" thing), and feel much better at my achievement. that "ha, if only you knew!", victorious, powerful feeling.

i look at these girls at school, and just like gaydar, i can tell who cuts, who's depressed, who has an ED and usually what kind. i can tell who's anorexic. and i envy them. i even saw a girl with a red beaded bracelet, so skinny she had space between her legs. i envy them. i idolize them. in the great social ladder of eating disorders in the pro-ana community, everyone knows that the anorexics are on top. realize, i am not just a "wannarexic," i definately have some kind of eating disorder, but like i read in the yummy secrets blog today, pro-anas oftentimes have the mindset "if i have to have an ED, i would rather be anorexic." this is exactly how i feel. if i'm going to be so fucked up inside, i'm gonna roll with it. if there always has to be something wrong with me, it might as well be something that'll somehow positively benefit me. and bottom line: i want to be thin, and if doing it the healthy way isn't working, what other choice do i have?

but why do i always make the same mistakes? the taste of food only lasts as long as you're eating it, and then lingers a few minutes after. right now, i'm sitting here looking down at my fat stomach and legs thinking, "those few minutes of taste are not worth all of this." it's really not worth it. why can't i say no? why am i so tempted to have just one bite, when i know that it'll only make me want to devour the whole thing? why can't i think about all those thinspo pictures i have in my secret drawer, all the diet pills i've wasted from gaining the weight back, all the hard work i've gone through that has gone to waste because of the exact situation i'm in at that moment, whenever i'm in front of food? that's what needs to change. instead of only thinking like ana when i'm not around food, i need to think like ana all the time.

i'm going to brainwash myself. punish myself. tomorrow it's supposed to be 30 degrees in the morning. i am going to wear shorts and a t-shirt. i am going to throw up dinner tonight and allow myself only water tomorrow. i am going to spend lunch in the library or bathroom the rest of this week. because i deserve the embarassment of knowing i spent lunch in the bathroom. because i deserve to freeze to death. because i deserve to deprive my taste buds of any pleasure for 24 hours. i deserve everything. i brought this upon myself. maybe after all the negative reinforcement i will finally learn: FOOD. IS. BAD.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Monday, October 5, 2009


"Baby ballerina's hiding somewhere in the corner,
where the shadow wraps around her and our torches cannot find her.
She will stay there 'til the morning, crawl behind us as we are yawning,
and she will leave our games to never be the same."

this song has been stuck in my head all weekend. it's like i'm trapped in that corner, waging this war against myself. every single morning i wake up and swear to myself. "what are we not going to do today? EAT." and every single day i break that promise. then i feel like shit about it. it seems like everything in my life is spinning away from me. i'm always feeling triggered. it's like life itself is pushing my buttons. i want to cut myself so badly. i spent a good chunk of last night trying to figure out where or how i could do it to where my girlfriend wouldn't see, or i could get away with the lie. there's no way. i might burn again tonight, just because the way i do it it doesn't leave a mark. i want to throw up too. i just want release. i'm terrible. everyone reading this, i'm sorry i've let you down. i thought writing a blog would really kick me into gear because i would have to tell everyone if i failed and let everyone down. what a big difference it fucking made. i love you all for reading, and commenting, and i will make it up to you. tomorrow will be an easy fast, if i just let myself fall. i'm standing on the edge, i'm ready to fall, with ana waiting at the bottom to catch me and take me again. i just want to feel something besides all this pain. and then fix the problem. come out from the shadows and get back to my routine, gain back that feeling of power and control, and that burst of joy when i see the reward for my efforts the next morning.

i've noticed a pattern. before i started cutting, i dressed really scene/emo. and now that i've girled it up to an older, feminine look, my eating disorder is taking over in self-injury's place. coincidence? maybe.

i'll freeze myself tonight. water fast tomorrow. liquid fast the rest of the week. i need to regain control. i haven't weighed myself in days. i don't even want to know.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Psychology of Starvation

as my AP psych class has been going on through the school year, i've noticed a lot of aspects of it that relate to ana, explaining hunger and other aspects that challenge us, or explaining why we do the things we do. because that's psychology: the scientific study of human behavior and mental processes. ana is ALL ABOUT behaviors and mental processes. so i've compiled a little essay with my findings, after doing a little research out of the textbook...

"The Psychology of Starvation"


It's a cold winter in Poland, 1942. Inside of Auschwitz, a boy's father has just been killed. This murder was not committed by a Nazi, but in fact by his own son. The cause: a single piece of bread hidden under the man's pillow. In these camps, where food was scarce and many starved to death, people fought like wild dogs over the smallest morsel. Without thought of the emotional consequences, they would do anything for food. We become, simply, desperate. Whether forced or self-inflicted, the psychology of starvation is relatively universal.

But what makes us hungry? What makes us crave? How, exactly, is appetite spurred? And, more importantly, how can we manipulate these processes to work in our favor in the quest for perfection?

Scientific studies have proven that the female neuron is more capable of surviving starvation. Perhaps this helps explain why so many more females starve themselves and have eating disorders than males, along with social and cultural gender/appearance expectations. So why not take advantage of this, ladies? If we can make it, why not do it?


Several biological factors contribute to hunger and appetite, including many in the brain. One of the most important components of the Limbic System in the brain is the hypothalamus. Located just below (hypo) the thalamus, the hypothalamus is controls autonomic functions such as heartbeat and breathing, and is involved in emotion, sleep, and, most importantly, appetite. It controls all of our drives, including our drive to eat. There's not much of a way to get around this drive, but, unlike heartbeat, the drive to eat can be ignored with a little willpower.

Several hormones also play roles in appetite. Some increase appetite: insulin comes from the pancreas and regulates blood glucose levels; orexin is produced by the hypothalamus, which enduces appetite; ghrelin is produced by your empty stomach, telling your brain to eat. To regulate blood sugar levels, stay away from artificial sweeteners (the chemicals tell your brain to absorb more fat, anyway!) and use natural sugars. Natural sugars are healthier than table sugar and have less disastrous impact on your waistline. Eat sweet fruits like apples to boost your blood glucose levels and reduce appetite. To fill your stomach and keep it from producing more ghrelin, DRINK WATER! Just like in the Cannon-Washburn Experiment, in which Washburnaair and feel no hunger, water works the same way. Just fill your stomach; it doesn't matter what you fill it with.


Food is a choice. Every human has the universal drive to eat, because in the long run we need calories to survive. But we choose when to eat, how much, what to eat. It's all in the mind. Some things we cannot help, but many things we can control.

One of the most simple and dominant psychological factors in desire to eat is when food draws our attention. The sight or smell of food hits our sensory receptors, causing neurons to fire and getting our brain to start thinking about food, imagining the taste, and eventually wanting it.

The power of suggestion is also very powerful. Commercials take advantage of this to the fullest extent, displaying the food, showing people eating the food, talking about the food, etc. After seeing a PopTart commercial, even if we weren't hungry before, we want one. Seeing others eating also demonstrates the power of suggestion. Just like some people want to smoke a cigarrette if others around them are smoking, even if they've just put one out, we feel hungry when we see other people eat. The solution to the Power of Suggestion: stay away. Skip commercials when you have conrtol of the remote, or distract yourself when you're watching TV with others by finding something else to occupy yourself with or finding an excuse to leave the room. Avoid situations where other people are eating. Skip lunch to go to the library, or, if you need a pass like at many schools to go to the library for lunch, sit in a bathroom stall during lunch. And remember that the power of suggestion also works in our favor, such as looking at thinspo and reading thinspo quotes.

There is also a universal attraction to sweet and salty. Have you noticed that most of your cravings fall under one of these categories? Think about amusement parks and movie theaters. What kinds of foods do they sell? Popcorn, ice cream, pretzels, chips, candy... all the sweets and salts. You really want to avoid placing yourself around these foods. If you really feel a craving coming on, try 100 Calorie Smartpop bags by Orville Redenbacher for salt cravings, and kiwi fruit or a single bite of candy (such as a single Starburst or Jolly Rancher) for sweet cravings.

We also feel hungry according to our routine. If we normally eat breakfast before school, lunch at noon, snack after school and dinner at five, we become hungry around these times. If we keep these times sporadic, we don't have a regular time to become hungry.

One last tidbit: blue is said to be an appetite suppressant, because so few blue foods exist in nature. So if you're thinking about redecorating your room, consider adding blue to the color scheme.


Always remember: our stomach controls short-term hunger, and our brain controls long-term hunger. Because of our brains plasticity (ability to adapt), both can be manipulated into full-on starvation mode. Our stomachs become accustomed to a fast in a matter of days, and as we fast more frequently our brain reduces the feeling of hunger. Hunger is all about science. There are ways to manipulate it, change it, and control it. Food, on the other hand, is always a choice. It's not the endurance of starvation that causes us to fail during a fast, but the inability to make the right choice. It's always a choice. And those who choose to say "No," to food, are saying "Yes," to thin.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

a quickie

i'm down 1 lb since monday. thank god. a little is better than nothing, and i only need another 2 this week to meet the goal.

the liquid fasting is perfect for me. i get a double-shot starbucks drink from the gas station that's 200 cals per can; i'm allowing myself two of these a week. and that's it for the day. it tides me over through school because the caffeine demolishes my appetite. it's after school thats gotten so damn hard. i feel a purge coming on soon. lord knows i need the release.

i'm working on something interesting to post tomorrow, so that's why this is short. not much else to say, really. my long-term goal approach is working tho. just a mantra of numbers in my head: "129, 12-16." weight and date, over and over, everytime i even think about food. i convinced myself out of a soup and breadbowl (only available to me on wednesdays cuz of wacky scheduling at my school) today, just by thinking it. over and over. over and over...

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Monday, September 28, 2009

a lot on my plate

i cheated on my girlfriend. there. i said it.

we were in an open relationship when things started with b. she's confused and wanted to kiss me to figure out if she's into girls. well, before i got a chance to kiss b, my gf kissed someone else and hated it, and called the whole open relationship thing off. but... i still wanted to kiss b. and on friday when we were hanging out, i did. we kissed and then made out twice. and i kinda wanna do it again... i'm a horrible person and a bitch. it's not that i have feelings for b, or my feelings for my gf are any different, i just like the rush, the game, the fun. i don't know how to explain it...

on top of this, family drama. my mom is a psychotic bipolar pregnant cunt. i'll leave it at that.

then, friend drama. e and g used to be my best friends, we were this tight-knit little trio. now it's like i don't even know them anymore. e gets on my nerves like no other. they lecture me for my fucked up relationship and the smoking/weed/partying. and when i was crying my eyes out over a fight with my gf on friday at the football game g pretty much ditched me to hang out with other ppl.

school is hell. i have so much homework i barely have time to shower. i get so overwhelmed that my brain just shuts down and i can't concentrate on anything. a B on my report card might as well be an F. it's not good enough. Bs don't get you into college. As do. i need all As. i need perfection.

all this stress is only encouraging my eating disorder. i'm back to restricting, minimal eating. and freezing myself at night. tomorrow i'm starting a liquid fast til friday. each day i'll allow myself 200 cals of liquid, as necessary. it's FREEZING in the mornings so a cup of tea will be nice, plus the occasional coffee or energy drink to keep me from passing out in the middle of class (i have to leave my house at 5 to get to school in time for marching band). green tea is supposed to help you lose weight anyway. friday is the band trip, two nights in oklahoma. and on the bus ride down to overnights ppl ALWAYS bring a shit load of food to pig out on. well i'm bringing my own. a bag of that 100 cal popcorn and fruits and healthy munchies. if i have my own food, i'll be less inclined to take more than "just one bite" of someone else's fatty shit.

i decided i need to set a longer term goal to look forward to along with all my smaller goals. there are 12 weeks until my birthday. if i keep up with 3 lbs a week, that means i can lose 36 lbs by then. and 3 isn't very much considering how much i've previously lost in a week through my methods, so i might even lose even more. still, if i lose 36 lbs by december 16, i can be down to 129 lbs, in a healthy weight range for the first time in years. i could be past that 130 mark for my sweet sixteen. what a nice little birthday present to myself. i'm keeping this goal in mind. 129 by 12/16. i want it soooooooo bad. please wish me luck, this week and from now on. i'm gonna need it. i'm so fizzled out from everything else that i can't concentrate on ana, instead i just float through the motions and fast when it's convienient. to hell with convenience. i want THIN.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

hello again

well, the dance is saturday. i'm back up to 163. fuck. i always wake up in the morning thinking to myself, "ok, today is it, i'm not going to eat." and then i fuck it up. i want to kick myself in the face. well, today's really it. there's no getting out of dinner tonight but tomorrow and friday are going to be NO EXCUSE water fast days. saturday, i'll only eat dinner before the dance. sunday, fast. i PRAY this'll get me back down to the 150s. the only good side to all of this is that my metabolism will be back up and a little fasting will be a lot more effective. can i lose 4lbs by monday? let's hope.

a new trick: freeze yourself. as twisted as that sounds, taking cold showers and leaving your fan on at night sleeping in a cami and shorts makes a WORLD of difference. i've done it in the past and it really speeds things along. also drink ice water a lot. no calories, and it makes you cold. the reason this works is that your body burns calories keeping your temperature stable. what's a little discomfort compared to the wonderful feeling of thin?

where the hell did all my side boxes go? i'll get as much as i can done today but i don't have the playlists. my computer broken, which has my ana iTunes playlist on it. >sigh<. ah well. i'll get as much back up today as i can.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Thursday, September 17, 2009

quick update

once again i'm sneaking on the computer, but i can't be on as long so this entry will be short. like magic, i went from 163 as my mornging weight to... 159!!! i finally broke the 160 mark! i'm sticking to my plan for the weekend, then i'm back to fasting on monday. i was so scared when i saw the scale this morning that i'd hit a plateau, but by 3:30... voila!

this just motivates me even more. i'm so ready for this. working on a new ana song too, lyrics to be posted soon. :)

by the way, is my computer messed up or did all my side boxes like my stats, Ana Playlist, and links lists disappear?

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

stuck here...

i'm bloated and i fucking hate it. i don't know what to do. i've only lost 1.5 lbs so far on this fast and it's the third fucking day. i bet if my bloating went down i'd drop another two at least. i took 4 laxatives at 1pm, double the recommended dose, and it hasn't done anything that i've noticed. i'm still bloated. i still feel like i need to cleanse my body. hence, tomorrow is a water fast.

i'm on the 3rd day of my four day fast and finally i've had a day where i haven't eaten a THING. tomorrow is a water fast to tie everything up, then i'll eat around 800 cals friday to boost my metabolism, then have a "minimal-eating" weekend, basically anything besides sugar, fat, and carbs: fruits, veggies, soy milk, low-fat cheese, some protein and fiber. sounds like a lot, but these are just my options. i'll average around 400 to 500 cals a day. besides, with a marching competition saturday i HAVE to eat, otherwise it's just being stupid and asking for trouble, and sunday i'm hanging out with the gf, which also forces me to eat a little.

i'm such a little sneak. i keep just bringing food into my room, chew and spit a bite, then throw the rest away. my parents see me bring food in my room which makes them think i'm eating, that one chew-spit bite keeps my taste buds satisfied, and i ingest virtually no calories. it works out pretty well for me. like i keep saying, going without food is getting easier and easier. the only problem is lunch, where all the temptations are right in front of me, and i can't really refuse a bite when my excuse for not getting my own lunch is that i have no money for it. i'm going to start skipping that a lot. chill out in the library and get some homework done. much better use of my time than getting fat.

hopefully this bloating is either a result of the fast or it'll go away in a couple days if i get my "monthly gift." i can't tell which is causing it because my periods are so sporatic. i don't care so long as it goes away...

even though i'm bloating, i KNOW i'm losing fat underneath all this water weight. i've finally gotten back that fuzzy feeling in my head whenever i stand up from sitting, that euphoria that comes along with it all. a few aches in my joints have also sprung up, but it'll all be worth it 50lbs down the road when i finally reach my ultimate goal of 110lbs.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Monday, September 14, 2009

it just keeps getting better...

heh heh heh i'm a little sneak... my grandma has this scale under the bed in the guest bedroom/computer room that she never uses. slipped it into my backpack, she'll never know it's gone. so now i don't have to sneak in my mom's bathroom all the way at the end of the day. i can step on the scale in my own room and see my morning weight, my true weight. 'course switching scales, this one might say i weigh more than the other one does, but in the long run this is a lot better, being able to weigh in whenever i want.

i haven't gotten to weigh in today, as i haven't been home just and just got my new scale ten minutes ago, but i'm pretty sure i'm down. i just feel it. i have a gut feeling that i'm lighter. and i love it.

i'm not even hungry. fasting has gotten SO easy. i didn't even binge much this weekend, saturday we went out to lunch but that was all i had, and i ate pretty light yesterday at my gf's house cuz she's sick and was hardly hungry. i ate just enough to perk up my metabolism enough for this next fast to be effective.

my ana buddy kat and i are doing a 4-day fast this week rather than our usual 3-day streaks, starting today. i'm pumped. my size 13 jeans are hanging on my closet door, just waiting to slide over my hips... i'm so close to the 150s, so close to the 140s. i really feel like i can make it this time. it's all become so routine, so easy. easy to lie, easy to hide...

the goal is to be in the 140s by next weekend, just in time for the dance. that requires me to lose a little over 10 lbs in two weeks. i'm gonna start jogging again to speed my weight loss along. i think if i wouldn't have gotten so off track before i would be that low already, maybe even lower. but that was the past and this is now. i'm just not going to let myself have any repeats. no falters this time. i'm in it to win it. i want to be thin.

wish me and kat luck! not sure how often i'll get to blog this week, maybe one more update on wednesday but i'm not sure after that...

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Saturday, September 12, 2009

new layout!

i looked up blogger layouts on google, found this site called PYZAM, and then found the perfect layout. i absolutely love this! especially the fact that the letter ends with a line about withering away. how perfect is that?

just thought i'd throw that out there. oh, and i added a couple links to the Ana Playlist. they're loose ana, but they thinspire me, so check them out! added a few blogs to Ana Blogs too. enjoy!

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Extreme Weight Loss Experiment Takes Heavy Toll

A new BBC America documentary looks at the cost of extreme weight loss, that "supermodel thin" look that too many women think they want.

In the film, called "Super Skinny Me," two average-size British journalists, Louise Burke and Kate Spicer, agree to a radical experiment -- drop five dress sizes in just five weeks. The goal was to show the drastic and sometimes deadly lengths women will go to just to be thin.

The documentary, "Super Skinny Me," premiers this Sunday at 10 p.m. on BBC America.
Burke, 29, weighed 129 pounds, and had never before tried to lose weight. She turned to magazines for the latest fad diets. One week she drank only protein shakes, another week she ate no carbs -- a week Burke painfully recalled.

"I was just eating watercress soup all day, every day," Burke said.

"My breath smells like soup according to my boyfriend," she said in the movie.

Weighing in at just under 144 pounds, 37-year-old Spicer said she wanted to understand why women go to such extremes to lose weight.

"I believe in journalism," Spicer said. "The best ways to understand something is to become it.''

Spicer followed a radical diet of lemonade with maple syrup and cayenne pepper. She stayed away from solid foods and ran for an hour a day.

Meanwhile, Burke, who began working out with a trainer two hours a day, tried another extreme weight loss tactic.

"Apparently if you swim in freezing cold water it speeds up your metabolism," she said.

Depression, Bingeing and Purging

In just one week, though, both women saw dramatic results. But the experiment began to take a drastic physical toll.

In the film, Burke described how she had "pins and needles sensation" while lying in bed and how her fingernails turned blue.

She also said she became less productive at work and stopped spending time with her boyfriend.

"My physical appearance, I mean, my ribs. My dad when he hugged me once, he was like, 'Oh my God! I can feel your hip bone and your rib cage,''' Burke said.

Spicer, too, spiraled downward. A dinner out with friends led to bingeing.

"I can't stop eating," Spicer said in the movie. "I don't know if all that hunger has made me eat all of this food in a strange anxious way but it's not right.''

And as she became more obsessed with weight loss, Spicer's binges gave way to purging. Her doctor tells her she will become bulimic if she continues that way.

Spicer was advised to drop out of the experiment a week early, but only after losing a frightening 17 pounds. By the end, she went from a healthy size 12 to a scary size 6.

''Basically I proved that not eating enough makes you go mental," Spicer said.

Burke also said losing that much weight so quickly "sent me into depression really, and I've never been like that before, ever!"

Burke lost 14 pounds over five weeks. Her family and friends were shocked when she could fit into a 6-year-old girl's size zero jeans.

But she was ready to get back to eating real food.

"My boyfriend bought me a massive chocolate cake and I was like, scooping it, clawing it off the tray," she said.

Both women have sworn off dieting and obsessive exercise. Spicer is still working toward finding a healthy balance, and Burke is back to eating everything in moderation.

Asked if she would take part in the weight loss experiment again, Burke said, "No, never! I would never recommend extreme diets again.''

just saw this show the other night. very interesting how differently the two girls reacted to ana dieting. burke actually talked to a recovering anorexic 15-year-old and looked at pro-ana sites. she was crying about how awful it is that we do this to ourselves. boo fucking hoo. just because you're content with being fat doesn't mean we are.

if you ever see this on tv (if you get BBC), i highly recommend watching it. it was really interesting, and really thinsperational.

back on track :)

my old jeans fit again!!! i finally feel like i'm back where i need to be. after a successful 3 day fast i'm down 4lbs to 161 lbs, just over a pound away from the 150s range. which is so close to the 140s, that Point of No Return. i'm so happy right now. i can't believe i can fit back into my old jeans. no more size 17s and sweatpants for me! pretty soon i'll be able to slide that pair of size 13 jeans hanging in my closet over my hips... i reallly feel like i'm gonna make it now. i really do. i'm so determined, and this is becoming so easy, so normal. i feel lighter.

i went to the grocery store today and got tons of low-cal stuff and fruits/veggies. i also have a new recommendation, for those of you that like munchie food: Orville Redenbacker's (sp?) Smart Pop 100 Calorie Popcorn bags. they make reduced fat butter and kettle corn, and there's actually a pretty decent amount in the bag. you can replace a meal with that and maybe add in an apple or carrots or something, if you're ever craving munch food like i do all the time.

i really feel like i can keep this up and slim down to another 10 lbs in 2 weeks. 140s range by homecoming. i can do this!

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Saturday, September 5, 2009

triumphs and failures

first off, i wanna give a major shout out to my ana text-buddy Kat. with her, i successfully completed a 3 day fast and lost about 4 lbs. unfortunately, a major ordeal with my "mom" (to be from now on known as The Wench) on thursday made me break down. i was so angry that i took it out on my body. i knew exactly what i was doing. i was ruining all my progress. i was sabotaging myself. i was letting down kat (we were supposed to be starting the 02468 diet together)((i'm sorry kat!!! :,[ )). but the Wench just makes me feel so horrible about myself that i feel as if i deserve punishment, even when i've done nothing wrong. well, now that i've gained back 3 pounds of all my hard work, i'm really punishing myself. with a 7 day liquid fast. no excuses whatsoever. then i'll get back on track with kat for 02468. by the way, has anyone else ever tried this diet, or the 2468? does it work well?

it's a long story with the wench. we have quite a history. she's the reason i cut myself. so, from that, you can assume that her words have a pretty big effect on my head. maybe i'll vent more about that later, but it's not really relevant to ana.

but, hopefully, tomorrow i'll get to escape to my girlfriend's house. time with her, a little weed, and at night she's throwing a party and i'm getting absolutely wasted. there's no food at her house so i won't be able to eat anyway. and if she does get food, i'll say i haven't been feeling well, which, to be honest, i haven't, because my fucked up digestive system has been overloaded with too much food. one of the perks of having a gf who's fam is poor: no food.

i really just want a kick in the face. i want someone to just scream at me "NIKKI! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU ARE FAT!! STOP. FUCKING. EATING!" i want to be scolded. lectured. yelled at. someone just kick my ass back in line. enough with the niceness, the "oh, you're not fat, nikki" "oh, you have cute chunk, nikki." how the fuck can "chunk" and "cute" go together? it is against all my logic. i want there to be no middle ground, no gray area, when ppl look at me. i want ppl to see me and think, "oh my god, look at her! she's so thin!" because in my mind, you're fat, you're thin, or you're really thin. i think 110 lbs would suit me well. i have so many daydreams about being thin. i can picture it in my mind. honestly, i think i would look pretty hot once i'm thin. once i'm thin, once i'm thin... every single dream begins with that. i feel like i can't do anything because i'm "the fat girl." i hate it. i hate feeling like that's how everyone sees me as "the fat girl who ___." i'm done. i'm so angry with myself. 7 day fast. that should get me back in line.

wish me luck on my 7 day punishment. hopefully you guys haven't fucked up as bad as me. hopefully by the end of this fast i'll be in the 150s. just ten pounds away from the Point of No Return. still want more text buddies, if anyone's interested...

stay strong, think thin, live ana